Holidays Begin

After working a bit this week, i now no longer feel that i suck at my job, thanks to some nice people who reassured me that i wasn't a total hopeless case and it wasn't my fault that we run into so mny ups and downs when we're running our holiday program. Phew. Feel a little better about that now. Especially because we have some more kids now and it doesn't feel like i've been trying really hard for nothing.

Last night was pretty good fun - we went to Bri's to watch movies and eat chinese (yum). Even though we watched Gran Torino, which wasn't bad but wasn't great (definitely cultural). And the beginning of Angels & Demons. It was fun chilling out with some mates for awhile. The guys were funny, the couches were comfortable, the food was good and all in all it was an awesome night. Simple but awesome.

Loz and i went to another wedding today; it was medieval themed, which automatically made it slightly bizzare. When the bride was a half hour late, i panicked that she wasn't going to turn up at all. How horrible would that have been!? Thankfully, she got there. Phew! The pair used Dr. Seuss vows... also bizzare. But still, a wedding is a wedding and the couple obviously loved each other very much. It was a nice smiley event.

Next stop was mitcham for Wendy's hotdogs and The Proposal, which was actually really funny. Aside from having a gorgeous Ryan Reynolds in very little clothing, there were some excellent one liners that i may work into regular conversation in future times. Good movie. Especially because we had cheap tickets and we smuggled our hotdogs in (after being told off for trying to just walk in boldly with them - - some brown-nosing employee decided to exert his power over us. Grr...

Tonight i have to go to work... i don't think i'm needed and i'm really not in the mood to go... but i have to because i said i'd be there. Wish i was doing something tonight other than coming home to an empty house and being all alone and having nothing else to do but watch more Gilmore Girls... I hate being on my own all the time.

Fingers crossed tonight ends up being one of those nights that i have no expectaions for but ends up being lots of fun. Though i'm sure the situation won't be helped by the fact that i'm still wearing my wedding clothes, which will doubtless lead to some raised eyebrows and snide comments about my attire, as inevitably happens. Geez, people should just leave me alone.

Alone in the no-more-insults sense, not in the literal sense. I don't like being alone all the time!

FREEDOM!

My exams are finally done, i survived and i now have blissful free time for a few days before kids club starts and before i have to get worried about getting my grades back. Woo!!!

Granted, i'm already a little bit bored... i need a project or something. And i keep thinking 'oh, i should be studying!', before i realise that for once i'm not just watching television to procrastinate! Lovely feeling.

I'm actually reasonably busy at work and stuff, getting ready for kids club next week, and i have lots of friends to catch up with - at the moment there's just not enough time in the day, but nighttime is boring; we young people are never happy, haha.

I'm currently getting addicted to Harper's Island, which is awesome. 13 episodes, people trapped on an island, people dying... awesome. I'm up to episode 10. So suspenseful! But it's quite scary and i get a little freaked out. I need someone to come and protect me.

It's 11pm, so i'm thinking i'll head to bed soonish to read some magazines (i have a large stack that's been accumulating...).

TOMORROW I MUST REMEMBER TO PICK UP THE TEE-SHIRTS FOR KIDS CLUB, otherwise i'll be in all kinds of trouble with work. And work is difficult enough at the moment, what, with me feeling completely unnecessary and all. Geez, acting like a grown-up sucks.

I'm sure i'll be back soon, now that i have nothing to do! To all you students out there, enjoy the freedom!!

2 Down, 1 To Go...

Well, i may or may not have just failed my psych exam. But i wasn't totally clueless in it, so hopefully i scraped a pass. Anyway, only one more now. By this time tomorrow exams will be well and truly over. Just have to scrape another pass tomorrow... not going to be easy. Of course, i'm not studying for it just now.. just having a little break... hehe.

I've been so busy recently, poor blog has come second. But here's the quick update for anyone who cares...

I had my last official shift at stateswim on saturday. All the parents said how much they'd miss me and how great a teacher i was, even some of the parents whose kids weren't in my class anymore. After my shift a bunch of the other teachers said they'd miss me, and THEN the coolest thing happened. My supervisor gave me a present!! It was a gorgeous mug, and a card saying that everyone would miss me. It was an excellent last shift (even though they've already got me lined up for a bunch more fill in shifts over the coming months, but whatever. At least i don't have to get up early on a saturday anymore!!).

Oh, and i went out to my car on saturday morning to find that some moron had egged it. Yup, about a dozen eggs smashed on the front and back windows. Do you know how hard it is to get egg off a car? My windows are still all weird. This isn't the first time people have done this - i don't know why! What has my car ever done to anyone? Grr...

On sunday arvo i went to Bobby's 4th birthday party. It was at the Miniature Railway place in Prospect and was so much fun! Granted, when i got there and was asked to pay, i realised that there was practically no money in my wallet. It hadn't even occured to me that i'd need money. It was seven dollars. I had about $4.50, then found $2 on the floor... i went up to the little old man and asked to go in to borrow money off someone, and the lovely man let me go it with what i had. Lovely. I spent the next few hours being swamped by little kids who wanted me to take them on the little trains that circled the property. It was kind of like sitting in a clown car - my knees were somewhere up near my chin when i sat on one of the little carriages, but it was actually really fun!! Especially when i had two kids tugging on each hand because they wanted me to ride with them - feel the love. The birthday boy loved his pressie and the kids were adorable playing pass-the-parcel... good fun.

The rest of the weekend was filled with study, study, church, study breaks, study... the usual. Nothing else of interest! Ok, really should try to get back to the studying attempt now... ugh. Almost free!!!

Blogosphere, i'm still alive. I'm probably going to fail my next two exams though. So i'm going to try and study now instead of update you all on my life... i'll no doubt get bored tomorrow and return.

"Blarg" seems to be my word of the week at the moment. It's rather all encompassing. Not only is it an excellent demonstration of onomatopoeia, but it's also a great word to describe just how dodgy exam period is. It's a word that suggests a blah existence, a general crankiness, a non-good mood. I'm using it rather frequently this week. It's just so apt.

Anyway, i've got so much study to do, that's gradually getting done - but who knows whether it will all get done in time. After tonight's exam, i'm choosing (using the term 'choosing' instead of 'just being unable to do anything differently') to watch Buffy - which is incredibly upsetting because my darling Xander just lost an eye. Sadness. Much sadness...

I did get something cheery in this day of mine. Someone left a comment on one of my posts...

Hi =) I just happened to randomly discover your blog (quite a long story as to how it happened), and just wanted to let you know i think its great, and enjoyed reading it. It seems that you put into words the way i sometimes feel. For some reason i just feel there are similiarities between us. So, i suppose, i sort of draw comfort from feeling that i'm not alone. So i wanted to thank you, for me and for anyone else who has read your blog and gone "yeah, me too."I'm not sure what you'll make of this comment, perhaps you'll think of it as 'food for post', encouragement, gratitude, admiration, or just pure randomness. Either way, keep doing what you're doing. And good luck for your exams! I just finished mine - they suck, but you'll get through. But i'll cross my fingers for ya anyway. =)

It's been awhile since i've heard something like this - that i'm not just some stupid kid writing crap down for it to get lost in cyberspace. But even more than that, whoever this girl is, she reminded me that nobody is all alone in how they feel. That 'nobody understands, nobody else has pain like me right now' feeling really is just not true. I'm not belittling the feeling, or anyone's pain, but knowing that you're not the only one thinking that was somehow makes everything a little less dark. Same works for my bouts of crazy - maybe i'm not the only one who flies over the cuckoo's nest. I had some profound stuff to say here... but it's totally fallen out of my head, as is always the way when i have something important to say. Nevermind. All that's really important is my thanks for this nice girl. If she ever ventures back here, i hope she reads this.

I should get some work in. Then perhaps there's time for a little damaging behaviour. And all the while waiting for lovely messages from people that i really have no reason to expect. Ok. Must. Stop. Getting. Distracted. By. The. Internet...

No doubt i'll be back soon.

One Down, Two To Go

Tonight's exam wasn't a total failure. I had an idea of what i was talking about, didn't completely panic when i saw the question, just managed to get it all done in time and, when we were rehashing the questions afterwards, as we inevitably, do, i didn't have that 'oh my goodness, i totally got that wrong' moment that is so feared among my uni-frequenting kind. Overall, not a disaster.

Unfortunately, i have two more to get through. Also unfortunately, i'm thinking that i'm not going to have time to properly prepare for them. I'm totally clueless so far, so have a huge amount to get done... fingers crossed it happens. It's not ideal, but i always pull through *touch wood*. All of your blogosphere luck that you're sending me is still much appreciated.

I had big plans to come home and study tonight, but i am currently watching Buffy - and i want to be in bed at a reasonable hour, because i have to get up and go to the stupid gym in the morning. I hate the gym. I hate being a chubbster even more. Oh, and i hate early mornings. All in all, tuesday and thursday mornings are not great times for me.

On the plus side, i'm very full because i ate lots for dinner, and i'm very warm because i had the heater on too high (oops). This has also made me sleepy... but i'm going to try to push through it!!

oh so much to do for exams. one on wednesday, two the following week. noting not finished for any of them. i have to work my little tushie off for the next few days to get on top of things. cross your fingers for me, wish me luck, rub your lucky rabbits feet, whatever. i'll take all the luck i can get.

Another Sunday, Another :( Face

There's so much that i'd like to blog but can't. And there's so much that i want to tell people but can't. And it's getting to the point where i'm fairly certain that i just can't do things this way anymore. I have no idea what i'm going to do. But this whole misery thing that i've got going on is totally sucking. I. Can't. Do. It. Any. More. And i really don't think i want to keep bothering. Life pretty much just sucks.

Would Love To Mean The World To Someone

It's been a long week. Very uni-work oriented. Therefore, very boring. The beginning of the week saw me in a deep, dark hole of awful. That's gotten slightly better as the week has progressed. But i've still got that pit in the bottom of my stomach that makes me feel a little icky. Kind of lonely, and sad and quaky. I don't know how to make it go away for good, but i've got a pretty good idea of what will make it go away temporarily. The solution will fill that icky feeling in my tummy. However, the solution is playing hard to get this week. Which serves to make the icky feeling worse.

I realise i am most probably making no sense. Nothing new, i know. But i hate being miserable, numb, icky (yes, i shall use the term icky to describe my current mood, deal with it). I could just be patient and wait for the thing that will make it better. Or maybe i need to realise that what i'm hoping will make things better is just a trick of the light, and really nothing that's going to be around long enough to make my world a little better?

It's too hard to tell what the right thing to think is. Maybe i'm just a fool to think that there's a happy ending somewhere around here.

It's That Time Of Year Again

It's exam time.

I handed up my last assignment today, so from here on out it's exam study all the way... and i really have to get cracking, because i have huge amounts to do and i'm starting to panic. I'm supposed to be working hard tonight, but it isn't happening...

...and i miss someone so much that it's hurting my tummy. Not exactly condusive to good study.

First exam is on wednesday, then the next monday, and tuesday (i think... should check that). Ugh, so much to do. And a revision session tomorrow that i'm totally not prepared for.

Wish me luck!

Blogging Is Better Than Studying

Well, i did some research today, and went to the stupid doctors, and slept. Basically achieved nothing, so i'm hoping for a productive night (though i doubt that'll happen, because, let's face it, i suck). It's like i'm walking through a world of jelly, pushing against the resistance of it, all the time. It's just easier to stay still.

For some reason, i can't find my inner Mr. Happy. I can name a few things that will make me smile during the week, but they come so far apart that they're overshadowed by everything else. I know i sound emo (i really should start working the black clothes, black hair and heavy eyeliner - though i can imagine the reaction that would garner from everyone)... unfortunately, that's just how it is. And the blog gets the emo, because the rest of the world prefers to close their eyes to the problems of others. Which is fair enough, because everyone has their own thing to deal with. You know what i mean - you ask 'how are you', and the only answer you really want to hear is some variation of 'fine thanks', nothing more explicit than that.

In the midst of my gloom and jelly, i've been waxing philosophical about this and that. Random sample: can you really love someone if you don't want to be there for them, even if it's hard for you? and is commitment to someone you love meant to be a difficult decision? Surely if you love someone you just want to be with them all the time and that's what matters. And why is it exactly that God sits up there watching us all and piling misery onto us and not doing anything about it, even when we ask him? That just seems kind of mean... is it to teach a lesson? or because he really doesn't step in to change things at all? GAH, the problem with philosophy lies in the fact that there are no answers. I hate not having answers.

Sunday Night

Sunday night effectively marks the end of the weekend and the beginning of the new week. I hate the new week. A new week marks the beginning of approximately six days of crapness, where i'll attempt to study but get nothing done, and have no contact with people who make me really happy, and barely make it out of bed, and pretty much struggle to make it through each day about an hour at a time. I am beginning to dread sunday nights, which invariably end with me in tears and waking up on monday morning feeling unbelievably crap. I just want to skip straight to next weekend.

Ahhhh...

I have too much to do. I've also had plenty of free time recently, that i have completely wasted. I have readings to finish before i start my 2100wrd essay that's due early this week. I then have more readings, and three exams to prepare for. While it all seems like it's a way off right now, it's actually looming awfully quickly. And i've got the feeling i'm totally screwed.

The last few days have consisted of me wasting my free time, working at stateswim and at church, going to youth group, hanging out with a friend and drinking iced coffee at the 24-hr Villi's bakehouse. It's hardly been anything close to productive... I just don't WANT to work. I'm majorly starting to feel the stress, unfortunately.

On another note, i'm feeling very unsettled about something. It's not unusual for me to not know what i'm thinking about things, not to trust my own mind to not be tricking me or to believe what i first think and not second guess myself. I don't know what to think, how to react, and what the right thing to do is. I could wait it out... but maybe i should do something else? Hard to know what my thoughts are all jumbled, and i've no idea which thoughts are my own and which are put there by society, expectations and delusions of a better world. I wish i could just weed out my true thoughts from everything else!

The Tooth of the Matter

I've always felt a little inferior because i don't have any wisdom teeth (or maybe i do and i've just never noticed them). However, i've come up with some logic that spins the lack of wisdom teeth debate in my favour.

I'm thinking that having wisdom teeth really isn't all that it's cracked up to be; most people end up in pain and have to have them taken out - resulting in more pain. I, as one of the lucky wisdom-tooth-less people, get to avoid all the pain.

Perhaps the name 'wisdom teeth' doesn't come from the wisdom that those teeth bring you, but rather from the wisdom that comes from getting them pulled out. I can live without that kind of wisdom.

My brain thinks crazy things sometimes.

Long Weekends

Friday night wasn't excellent. I was beyond cranky, which was weird because i'd had a lovely day... even if in the middle of it i'd practically passed out while in the car because i felt so sick - but the parts of the day around that were good! But by friday night i was little miss cranky, so i bailed on work (after a few incredibly annoying interactions with various work people) after dropping the kids off.

Long weekends are better than usual weekends simply because of their length. So, already my weekend was off to a good start. Add that to the fact that a bunch of the parents at stateswim commented on how fantastic a teacher i am, and it was shaping up to be a fairly good saturday (despite the evil children, and bruises i now have from their violence). Afterwards, Loz and i hit up Maccas - because, why not. That took us an hour and half, and then we went into town.

We were hunting for SA: Heaps Good hoodies, which we found in Urban Cow (awesome shop, by the way. I wanted practically everything in the store... and couldn't afford anything) for $70, which shot our plan to hell, seeing as neither of us have any money. We also looked at computers, seeing as mine is dying (i now have no internet, in addition to countless viruses and an unknown amount of time before it shuts down again and i'm forced to using dad's stupid computer, which is annoying and icky and has no applications...), but i can't afford them either. Money sucks.

I was super cool on saturday night - i stayed home and studied, while my parents went out to party. I'm a loser. Ahh, the patheticness. I got a little work done, but, seeing as i am me and generally incompetent in the study area, it wasn't a lot.

Sunday morning we had Yum Cha for family lunch, which was pretty awesome. I like my food. Then i raced home and met Loz. We headed off to the movies to see Star Trek - It. Was. Awesome. Dramatic and awesome and super cool. I totally loved it. And will totally see it again... despite my no-money situation... hmm... money sucks. Then it was off to church to study for awhile and set up for the service. Which was very bizzare. And then i had a friend over for the night, which was good fun.

Overall, the weekend when you set it all out like that, didn't totally suck. However, once my friend had gone on monday, i crashed and burned and was beyond dismal. I'm thinkin June is going to be an unhappy month. So i'm awaiting July (end of exams and holidays will be a major july-related bonus).

I handed in my evil psych assignment today, and now have a week to get my act together on the next one - which i also have no idea about, a fact which isn't helped by the fact that i don't have a working computer. It's times like these that i hate technology. Now off for another night of studying. 50 bucks for people who can make me smile for an extended period of time.

Mental Block

I like to learn new things. Which is why i find learning about social ostracism in the workplace and the laws of evidence for aboriginals quite interesting. So i wasn't completely dreading writing my next two essays, seeing as those are the topics i'm supposed to be writing on.

However, nothing ever goes as smoothly as planned. My historical essay on evidence law is killing me; have you ever tried finding the reasoning of the government to preclude aboriginals from giving sworn evidene in 1844?! Not easy. Hardly any records going back that far are easily accessible. It's looking like i'll have to trek all around adelaide to find anything - not that i know where to look - unless i want to change my essay topic (which is looking like a possibility/probability).

As for my psychology essay, i'm supposed to find two theories (i think?) about social ostracism in the workplace. I have no idea if i'm on the right track. I found some articles, but it's going to take forever to look through them all. It's due on tuesday, so somehow before then i have to figure out what the hell i'm doing.

Unfortunately, usually the way i work is to get all the info, figure out what i'm talking about and then write write write... but seeing as i can't figure out what i'm supposed to write, it's making things very complicated!! It's driving me nuts not to just be able to sit down and write - i actually would be doing that if i could! But i just can't get started...

I'm driving myself insane here, in case you couldn't tell.

Please, whoever in the blogosphere has this power, make it sunday already - then i'll have something good to take my mind off stupid uni for awhile.

Yay for Wednesday!

One of my assignments that was causing me great stress and was due on tuesday was extended a week by a fantastic lecturer! That simple fact has alleviated a huge amount of stress and i'm fairly smiley now. Woo!! At least now i can just focus on the one assignment for a few more days and will have a chance at making it half decent. Yay!

Tomorrow is Bri's birthday, so tonight Loz and i are picking up chinese and going to her place to eat lots of food and watch Twilight... or maybe Devil Wears Prada... It's going to be awesome. Despite the fact that i've still got an enormous amount to do. But it's slightly more manageable now that this assignment isn't due for another week! And i'm reallllly looking forward to chinese for dinner, yum! Plus, i think i might score a belated bday pressie from her.

I just painted every toe on my foot a different colour, to try and see which colour i like best. Seems that i have about a million, and all of them are very similar... and now my toes are all pretty colourful.

Since i came home from uni, i've had a nap, painted my fingers and toes, watched a few episodes of fringe, txtd a friend about a billion times... and haven't done any study. But when i get home from Bri's i WILL study!! I WILL!!!!!

Right now, i'm about to try and fit my jeans into my giant ugg boots, cos my feet are cold... i don't know if it's possible, but we'll see. And then i'm off! Hurrah for chinese food.

Heads or Tails

When i read the word motion, the first thing that came to mind was the song Locomotion - it's a catchy song, so now i'm singing it in my head and doing a mental conga line.

But really, that's not all that interesting. So i though i'd post about how life is moving an a weird motion at the moment. Both slow and fast motion. Slow motion in that this week, this year, is crawling by. The days seem to stretch on and on. Do you know that feeling? When it's kind of like you're wading through stick caramel. I was writing earlier and dragging myself through the same routine everyday, every week. I'm looking forward to july - once we get to july, my exams are pretty much over and i can enjoy the holidays. Loz and i are planning an epic adventure. But until then, things are going to slooooowly.

On the other hand, even with things going so slowly, the amount of time for me to do all of my assignments, all of my exam revision and prepare for kids club seems to be rapidly disapearing. I don't know where it's all gone! Kids Club is in five weeks (maybe four?) and my exams are in the two weeks before that. I have two 2300 word essays due on tuesday that i've hardly started and three exams to revise for. Not just skim my notes, but re-learn half of it, because this semester has been jam-packed with knowledge. It's insane. In that respect, time seems to be zipping by.

I'll get my butt into gear eventually and get all of my work done. I can deal with running out of time for that, i can always manage the panic. But it would be nice if the rest of time sped up a little in the rest of my life - the weekend just can't get here fast enough!!

Just so you know, the Locomotion song is still conga-ing around my head.

Tradition...

Apparently, i'm turning out to be quite traditional.

Now, this isn't a complete surprise. Unfortunately, i am my mother's daughter in many ways. SHE is very traditional. Same sex marriages, no sex before marriage, various other slightly archaic trains of thoughts... I'm not like her on many of these points. Same sex marriage doesn't really bother me, that's for that couple to decide and not for me to judge. But it's starting to look like i'm leaning towards her train of thought on the no-sex-before-marriage front.

As a 20-yr-old loser who's never had a date, much less a boyfriend, the issue hasn't really come up in a major way. I know for a fact that sex isn't happening until i'm in a very serious relationship. Whether i wait until i'm married remains to be seen. But whatever, that's not my point.

My point lies in the fact that people seem to have a bit of a problem with my standpoint. All of my close friends have slept with people. Whatever, that's their call. But i get 'comments' from my friends, all of whom know i've not gone there. "You're being hell traditional dude" *negative inflection* was the one i got today. "You'll cave, trust me" was another. They think they're being funny, and they thing they're being all-knowing, predicting that i'll give in. I won't. I don't want to do that any time soon. I not not doing it to be traditional, or to make a statement, i'm just not going to do it. I don't need people snickering at me, thinking i'm naive or stupid. I'm not going to cave just because other people think that i should.

I know that some of my friends caved to peer pressure, or rushed things because they thought that it was pathetic to get to 20 and not have slept with anyone. I don't know if they regret it. But i don't want to regret it, so i'm not taking any chances.

I know i go with the flow. I know i conform and i don't like to go against what people think i should be - most of the time. But if it's important, i'll hold my ground and do what's right for me. People shouldn't judge and mock me for it.

It's important. I'm not budging. Apparently, i'm more traditional than i thought. People should stop paying me out!

Something To Look Forward To...

Usually, my week is steady. Stable. I go to uni/work and i come home again. I attempt to study, and i spend lots of time on the internet. I go to the gym, i work at stateswim, i go to church on a sunday and i have youth group once a week. I have lunch with the SouthAfrican on a wednesday, i go to bed around midnight every night. It's the same old thing, week in and week out. Nothing much changes. The static routine leads to a static mood. I'm neither happy, nor sad, i just plod along feeling reasonably numb.

Occasionally, there'll be a variation. An extra coffee date, a night out, a meeting, some form of disaster or miserable event... My mood will change accordingly. Either i'll be happy for awhile, and by the morning be numb again, or i'll be miserable when i go to bed and wake up slightly a more miserable shade of numb.

Recently, something's come along that's pulled me out of the numbness. At times, it sends me into a spiral of misery. Obviously, that sucks. But sometimes, it makes me happy. And i looove to be happy. So is it worth the misery for the happiness?

Sometimes, i wish that i'd never found this thing that makes me happy... before i had it, my weeks were numb and monotonous, but that's just how they were. Now that i have that happy thing, i know what i'm missing when it's not around. Which is most of the time. So, now i spend my week in monotony, desperate for that thing that i don't have, because i know what i'm missing. I like being happy. I'd like to be happy all of the time. But this thing that i've found, the only thing that seems to give me some semblance of prolonged happiness, comes and goes and i'm not exactly sure what to do about that.

Muddling Through

Well, it felt like a hugely long weekend. I took youth group kids to a conference/worship service on friday night; we missed the first half thanks to English being a tool and getting us lost, needed to get out and go to the toilet and, when i was on the phone for directions, jumping in the drivers seat and starting/stalling my car. I nearly killed him. I treat him like an adult, and he acts like a child. But he apologised, and i can't hold a grudge so it's all good now. We did make it in time for the second half of the service and heard a good talk about how we see the world today, how we take for granted everything that we have.

On saturday, i dragged my butt to stateswim. My kids are completely nuts, but some of them are absolutely adorable and i'll miss them when i have my last shift in a few weeks. That's right, i finally handed in my notice. My last permenant shift is on the 27th. I said i'd still do fill ins though, the extra money occasionally can't hurt. One of the parents of one of the kids i used to teach who moved up to the last class a few months ago came up to me on the weekend and thanked me for the great job i did teaching her little boy - he's already moved up to the next class. Comments like that make the job worth it, but so many parents just take my job for granted and just smile a hello at the start of class and yank their kid out of the water at the end. I'll miss a few of my babies, but i think i'll survive without my job... now i just have to find a new one!

After my shift we were supposed to have chinese for lunch with the family, but they bailed, so Loz and i grabbed our picnic gear and headed out to get some take-away chinese. Did you know that it's borderline impossible to find an open chinese restaurant at 2pm in the afternoon? Well, it is. So we got Maccas instead and got out rug out on Unley Oval and chilled there for a little while. ShirtlessBuddy and his little bro turned up and played soccer and hung out with us for awhile, telling us about their misadventures the night before. Afterwards, Loz and i flew to the bottle-o for some refreshments (and i didn't get carded, which means that they thought i was over 25; that means i apparently can pass for 16 or 25... weird) and then i had to whizz to the cinemas.

I met up with SB and a few of the girls to see Angels and Demons. I remember reading the book a few times, but it had been awhile and i couldn't remember the story perfectly. In the end that was probably a good thing, because i didn't spend the movie trying to pick out the discrepancies. Although quite sensationalist, the movie was a good one and had me on the edge of my seat as it got to its dramatic climax. Tom Hanks did a great job, though i'm generally not a fan of his, and Ewen McGreggor played his character with excellent believablity. The plot was well developed, thought not as much as it was in the book, but that can be expected. All in all, a good movie. It get's my thumbs up.

I raced home to find English waiting on my front doorstep, and we hung out for awhile, feeding his One Tree Hill addiction before i took him home.

Sunday saw an excellent morning service that was packed to capacity, full of kiddies and misadventures by our silly reverends. I stayed afterwards and tried to study all afternoon, but i didn't get nearly as much done as i should have. Evening service, i sung, i sounded a little like Kermit the Frog, i ate party pies, i watched the boys play pool and i took English home... and i didn't get any more study done.

My suckitude is amazing; i have enormous piles of work to do and no ambition, no desire, no drive to get any of it done. Screwed, i'm completely screwed. And yet i'm sitting here blogging instead of working... i am suffering both from absolute panic and complete disinterest... AH!

It's only monday, but i'm already completely and utterly desperate for the weekend. I don't have that much on that i'm looking forward to, but maybe i can get on top of my work and fingers crossed one night i'll have something pretty awesome to do... cross your fingers that it works out. And your toes. Any maybe your eyes? Whatever.

Geez, life sucks sometimes.

So sleepy...

...but just thought you should know how crazy stateswim is.

They rung me this morning and were absolutely desperate for a teacher. I told them i had to go to uni and hand in an assignment. They said they'd courier my assignment to uni for me. I said i had to hand it in myself. They said i could just work the first half of the shift. I caved and said yes. Which meant i barely got my assignment finished and into the drop-box in time. I'm so silly.

Tonight was an interesting night too, but i'm too tired to share. And tomorrow is the day i've been looking forward to. I'll talk to you soon.

Right now, i totally have to hit the hay. Back to stateswim in the morning!

Too Much on My Plate

I have;
* over 100 A4 psych pages to read and note
* a 300 word trust essay due friday
* a 2100 word psych research essay due in just over a week
* a 2100 word australian legal history research essay due in just over a week
* an oral presentation to finish for australian legal history
* at least 20 pages of crime and punishment readings

That's just to do this week. And isn't counting work tomorrow, the gym, an ARK meeting, more work, stateswim, a family lunch, and work friday night. Or the fact that i suck and never get anything done. Or the fact that my mind is whirring so fast that all i can really make out is a blur rushing past my eyes.Not condusive to working. And it's already 8.50 and i've not done any work since i got home from uni... and coffee with Bri.

I've got a hint of that feeling where i can't breathe. Panic...

This weekend could be good. Or bad. It could swing either way. On the one hand, i have a dumb, long conference on friday night, a horrible stint at stateswim on saturday morning, a family lunch to suffer through and saturday night plans that i'm just waiting to be bailed on for, along with more work than i can get a handle on. On the other hand, i have a cool concert on friday night, i get to see cute babies at stateswim, we're having chinese for lunch with the family (and i'm craving chinese), and i have something on saturday night that i'm really looking forward to - and i always manage to get my work done in the end.

I'm hoping things will go the second way. I'm looking forward to that way. Let's see how things turn out.

Ps. Wish me luck - i'm thinking of quitting stateswim on the weekend... I'm not enjoying the job, but maybe i ne the money?

Heads or Tails

I'm the queen of avoiding things. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, it's a regular feature in my life.

More or less, i generally have no idea what i'm thinking. I don't know what i think about anything. And if something makes me happy, i can't separate the feeling of euphoria that comes from finally feeling like things aren't going to keep sucking, from the feeling that everything is probably going to end up crashing down around me. So i avoid thinking about the consequences. I'll let myself be happy for a few hours, and try not to think about what will happen afterwards.

But on the other hand, i can't stop thinking about it. I'm not sitting here thinking 'oh, should i do the thing that makes me happy? Or not?'. I'm well and truly avoiding that one. But i'm constantly thinking about it... it's driving me nuts. I don't know where i stand. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what i'm doing. And i can't shut the part of my brain that's thinking about this down.

It's not avoidance. And i haven't accepted things the way that they are. It's more like a case of absolute, blind panic about the fact that i have no idea what's going on. But at the same time, there's no way i'm giving it up without a fight. Worth the whirlwind of thoughts that are driving me nuts for the happiness that comes at the end.

Currently, it's crazy enough that i want to sleep ALL the time, because you can't think if you're sleeping. I even came close to enjoying the gym, because i was thinking 'I want to stop' instead of thinking about everything else.

Good to know that my crazy isn't going to diminish as i hit my twenties.

I think the thing to focus on is that before i was bland and occasionally miserable. Now, i'm bland, occasionally miserable and occasionally very happy. Happiness is worth the crazy.

And just in case you weren't already convinced, i'm sure this post did nothing to convince you of my sanity.

4 Hrs

I dragged my butt up to uni at 9am yesterday, battled the unstable and, quite frankly, terrifying rises in the EDUC building (the building is appalling, nothing works). It was a chore. But the lecture was quite interesting - we learnt about what happens when prisoners are released on remand. I'm not sure quite how representative the examples that were given are, but it was still interesting.

Afterwards, i was supposed to meet Loz for coffee, but she didn't show... which left me with a four hour break to fill. Damn. An hour on facebook... and then three hours sitting in the freezing cold in the law courtyard. I got quite a lot of study done, but it was fairly boring. The SouthAfrican wantered past and stopped for a coffee which was a nice distraction, and at one point another girl from my class sat with me and we hung out for a bit. I made it through a coffee and an apple juice. Four hours can go very slowly...

By the time we got to our trust lecture, my extremities were numbed. However, my day was about to get an awful lot better. During our break, El, Pi and i headed to the vending machines for sustenance. An attemp to get toblerone resulted in the machine eating our money (we were pooling our shrapnel to see how much we could get) and we were fairly despondent... until we hit C5 to get a hot chocolate - and it came out for free!! Naturally, we tried it again - and got another free one! We got six free hot choc's before the machine decided that it'd had enough. Awesome! We gave some away, but that left plenty for ourselves. More than enough to get us through the second half of the trusts lecture! WOO!! Free stuff is enough to make any day better.

That evening, El and i went to see Wolverine with some of the girls. It was completely awesome. Not only did it have a gorgeous Hugh Jackman and a smoking Ryan Reynolds, but it had fight scenes, suspense, mystery, sadness (ohh, the sadness), intrigue, and links to the other movies. And a cliffhanger ending. Our row seemed to make more noise than anyone else, yelping with suspense in the fight scenes... everyone knows how involved i get in movies! Anyway, if you haven't seen it, you must. Must! It's a can't miss.

All in all, a pretty good day. Amazing, seeing as it was a monday!

Law Ball

Well, i was partially wrong. Alcohol does solve some of the world's problems.

I rocked up at 8pm, an hour (fashionably) late, looking rather nice, if i do say so myself. Nice, yet with an air of 'kill me, i'm too miserable to be here'. For the first two hours, it was all i could do not to bail. El became my personal champion, introducing me to lots of people - seeing as i didn't know all that many people there. El's mates (one who looked uncannily like Barney from How I Met Your Mother, the other who was tall and had an awesome red tie) were pretty hilarious. El at some point had told Barney of my troubles and he was sympathetic. Everyone else just thought that i was soft because i wasn't drinking much and they didn't know why. Also, i got about four comments about how cool it was of me to 'come stag'... i didn't even realise i was supposed to have brought a date? But thanks everyone for pointing it out.

Anyway, after two hours it was fairly clear the El wasn't going to let me leave for awhile yet. So we danced u a storm, spent ages commandeering the couches in the bathroom (ahhh, rest for our poor feet) and danced some more. I actually felt a bit crook, on top of my misery, so was pleased that i was doing as well as i was. Apparently, there was supposed to be an ice-sculptor, but instead there was a trio of breakdancers, which was quite interesting. It was fun watching themselves throw themselves in the air and spin around the floor. Even Mr.Music got into the dancing, which was cool - and he managed to have some girl following him round who was convinced that he was german and didn't speak english... Oops.

I stuck it out until midnight, when we were all kicked out of the Hyatt. I said bye to El and the girls and got lifted off the ground twice by the RedTie Guy in a farewell, which was interesting - nobody ever lifts me up, it was weird... But then RTG walked me to a taxi rank. He was quite the gentleman. We talked about poke'mon and Canada and Geology... it makes plenty of sense if you were following the conversation. He waited in line for me, gave me another hug goodbye and saw me off safely. It was very sweet.

Somehow, it was a survivable night. Dancing was fun - Barney said i was a good dancer (and he'd know, he was really awesome), El and Kirst were lots of fun, hanging in the bathroom was cool, plenty of guys sleazed onto me and plenty of girls said that i looked gorgeous, and RTG was sweet. Apparently, wine, dancing, boys and compliments are enough to temporarily pull me out of my misery. I'm glad i dragged my butt out last night, i needed the distraction.

Now it's morning (really, nothing looks better in the morning) and the doom and gloom outside are somewhat matching my emotional state. I'm going to work to try and get some study done - i've not got much done in a few days. And i'm going to try and recapture the dancing-induced happiness from last night so that i can make it through another day.

So, i was partly wrong in saying that alcohol doesn't ever help. If i hadn't had a few wines last night, i wouldn't've been dancing and i would't've been cheered up. The moral of the story? Everything in moderation.

Three Days

Law Ball is on tonight. 'Winter Wonderland' Theme... Apparently this is something that i'm supposed to be very excited about.

Last year turned out to be fun - four of the girls from school came with me, so it didn't matter that i didn't know heaps of the actual law people. We ended up having lots of fun and winding up the night by staying at Swish until closing. Good times.

This year, i didn't have school friends to ask. I know some of the law people better though, so it will probably be survivable. That said, the law people i know are the kinds of people who know EVERYONE. Unfortunately, that means that i can tag along behind my friends and feel slightly out of it. Also, mum and dad have gone away this weekend (awful timing to have left me alone in charge of my brother, when i've barely been capable of moving, let alone domestics) so they can't play taxi, and i don't have any girlfriends up for the taxi share. I hate forking out $20 for a taxi to somewhere on my own...

I'm trying very hard to psych myself up for this. I paid a boatload for my stupid ticket, so the least i can do is turn up (though it's occurred to me that i could stay home and continue to be numb and miserable... though i really can't justify ANOTHER day of doing that. The 50 or so hours that i've already done should tide me over through five hours of lawball... I couldn't even manage to get myself to work this morning and called in sick. The simple act of facing people and holding it together when everything is really falling apart is fay beyond me. And don't even ask about the state of my homework pile.

I'm working on not adopting the 'alcohol (temporarily) solves all of the world's problems' philosophy, because i have learnt in the past that it really doesn't... however, free booze and a misery hangover don't bode well for that.

Fingers crossed i'm still lucid enough to be with you tomorrow.

I Would've Won The Bet

If i'd bet you that my excellent wednesday would merely be a minor up in an otherwise incredibly down two weeks as opposed to the start of a new trend, i'd have just won that bet.

I HATE it when i'm so down. Like tonight, i have spent approximately the last hour in hysterical tears. The unattractive, swollen, snotty, horrible, wet, miserable kind of crying that leaves you gasping like a fish and begging someone to end the awfulness of everything.

Needless to say, nobody ever ends the awfulness of everything.

I know i have two working legs, a roof over my head and a computer. But that doesn't equate with happiness. It just means that you can walk and you don't get wet in the rain. People with nothing can be happy, people with everything can be miserable. It's just the way that things work.

I've got a feeling that things aren't going to be getting better anytime soon.

Awful timing to have fallen in a heap, what, with all the work that i have to do at the moment. And made even worse by the fact that i was *this* close to being happy, only to have the rug pulled out from under my feet.

I can't do this again.

I Want...

* to study history, classics and politics
* to own/run my own magazine
* to learn French
* to work on a newspaper for awhile
* to fall in love
* to write a bestseller... or more than one!
* to have a happy family and happy children
* to buy the Will and Grace box set
* to pass all of my exams this semester
* to be able to decide which elective to do next semester
(anyone? want to tell me?)
* to find the perfect pair of winter boots that i can wear with
everything
* to visit Europe/Morocco/America/New Zealand/Japan/Thailand
/Ireland... everywhere!!!!!!
* the get high enough grades to have the option to do Psych Honours
* to get the new Poke'mon game (and a DS so i can actually play on it)
* to get at least 35 kids a day for the July Kids Club
* to be thinner
* to go on another awesome road trip... possibly to WA or Ayers Rock?
* to learn how to rollerblade
* to read all of the classic novels that i've got lying around my room
* to audition for Australian Idol, even though i'll get shot down
* to ride horses again
* to learn to play the piano/guitar
* to ride a motorcycle
* to get my boat license
* help people/kids
* to quit Stateswim and find another job somewhere decent

Is that enough? Quite probably. Definitely some of it is out of my reach... but i know that some of it isn't. And an excellent road-trip opportunity just came up! So we'll have to see about that. At least i have some goals, even though i still don't really have any idea about what to do in life...

Today, I Felt Like A Sim

I was driving down Ayliffs Road this morning on the way to uni and i saw a girl standing at the bus stop. She looked just like one of those Sims characters, standing at the bus stop, as if someone had clicked the 'wait at the bus stop' action in the game. As i drove off down the road, i felt like a little tiny Sim in a world full of a bajillion other electronic little people, being played with like puppets by some kind of giant man in the sky... it's a weird feeling.

This afternoon, i psyched myself up to go to my australian legal history class (i haven't been in the past few weeks...) and fronted up to class - only to find the entire population of the building in the ourtyard. Apparently, the entire building had been evacuated due to an electrical fault and all afternoon classes were cancelled. That's an awful lot of disguntled students who'd hauled themselves to the far away building. The new building has so far caused nothing but trouble, costing thousands of dollars in repairs already! Our lecturer says it's because the 'education bastards' are the dumbest people at the uni and could never be expected to have done anything better. It's amusing to hear him rant! Anyway, seeing as class was cancelled, Amz and i went to ask the lecturer some questions about an 1844 Act that we couldn't find. He was such a legend! He took us to the office, found the Act on the internet, printed it and its amendments off and stapled them for us. He's such a champ!!

After an early two hours and a silly lunch with Mr.Music and the SouthAfrican, and a huuuuge cup of coffee, i was quite chirpy. I was even looking forward to ploughing through all of the study that i have to do, because of the sense of achievement i get after finishing the bajillion pages of psychology readings that are assigned to me bi-weekly. Naturally, that hasn't actually happened... but it's still early, so hopefully i'll start making progress soon!

I've had six bad days and one good day. But the good day counts for more, which evens the tally slightly. Let's see how tomorrow goes now.

Sleeeeepppy

Well, this week has sucked less than the weekend did, so i'm pleased. Plus, i visited my optometrist this morning and he gave me a handful of jellybabies, which was a tasty treat (oh, and i'm no more blind than i was before; sitting happily on a -6/20). I have piles of uni work to do but am chosing not to let them panic me yet. I also have major amounts to do at work, which i'll slowly plow through. For some reason, despite not being majorly busy, i'm super sleepy. Movement is s...l...o...w........... And i keep getting headaches and a killer pain in the neck. Maybe it's like some kind of sci-fi situation, where my body system is deteriorating and i'm going to start melting or something? That could be kind of cool. Especially if there was some kind of race to find a cure in which myself and my cohorts discover all this stuff about ourselves and bond and find the loves of our lives - and save my life in the process!

Somehow i think that whole scenario may be a little far fetched. It could just be the beginnings of the flu.

Oh well, this weekend the rentals are away, and their daughter shall play. Woot!

Parrrrtay!

Well, i survived the 21st last night. Thankfully, those who hate me have reached a stage where they just ignore me all together, which at least means that there is no bitchiness to my face. I choose to see that as a positive. I hadn't seen the boys in almost six months, so we had plenty to catch up on. They're such a nice group, they have never made me feel bad. I didn't know heaps of people really well, but the boys took me under their wings. It was a small party, i felt pretty pleased to be invited. Clearly they don't hate me. Drinks were cheap, speeches were good, dresses were pretty - i wore my new clothes and didn't feel completely ridiculous. Hodgey and i decided that we needed to go to England. He's all for dropping everything and moving there, i'm all for a vacation. We're still negotiating. One of the other guys, who is pretty much a CK model, chatted to me for ages, being a fellow quiet party buddy. No idea what we were talking about half the time, but i know eventually we came to a few consensus; 1) Definitely, Maybe is an excellent movie and Ryan Reynolds is hot (though we disagreed on one point; CK said it was depressing because people don't get endings like that in real life); 2) 27 Dresses is awesome, Katherine Heigel is a great actress and John Marsden has a perfect smile (CK has declared that seeing that smile will cheer him up, no matter what. I agree); 3) we should try to live life like we're in a movie - as in, do those things that you think only movie people can get away with (i'm talking slapping people, throwing water on people who piss you off, jumping on people and throwning your legs around them instead of just giving them hugs, doing movie star dip kisses...) - we've agreed to try and live our life that way for awhile and keep each other posted. It was a bizzare conversation, but it lasted a long time and saved me from more awkward standing around. Hodgey and i skulled some Franges (his expense) and i caught up with TinyTim for the first time in ages, which was good fun. After a few of the boys got kicked out for being too 'rowdy', we moved on.

We taxi-ed to Hindley. The birthday boy peed in an alley and missed getting arrested by *this* much. We queued for Electric Circus, but while they said they'd express myself and the other girl that was with our group, they wouldn't let the boys in and we'd have to wait forty-five minutes if we all wanted to get in together. So we bailed to the Dog and Duck, where there was no line and a cheaper cover charge. Woot! Once inside, the other girl there and i attempted to bond. I actually do law with her, but apparently, three years in, she had no idea about that... degrading, but she was nice, so i let it slide. We bonded over some fashion disasters.

Then the boys started to hit their stride. Drinks were knocked back. Spurts of dancing were indulged in. I met a friend of theirs who attempted to make me dance by grabbing my hands and somewhat pinning me against the bar... it was awkward and i'd not drunk enough to even pretend that it was ok. Follow that with some creppy guy coming up to me and the other girl and hitting on us, very creepily. Lucky for her, her bf stepped in and got all 'protective'. Unlucky for me, i had no such boyfriend. Hodge eventually saw my distress and came to save me. After awhile longer, we were all pretty zonked and headed out.

When i was saying bye to the boys, they all seemed sorry to see me go and said it had been great to see me again. I really do love those boys. They're just so generous and nice. It's an awesome change from most of the people that i know. I taxi-ed home with a few of them and we had a bit of a goss about which girls were hot and which guys they thought were good enough for me. Classic. And informative.

Despite me being worried about being on the outer for the whole night, things turned out ok. Sure, it was awkward at times, and there were moments when i felt like a total third wheel loser, but by the time we hit town i was back to being the awesome girl who parties with the guys. All was well. Geez, getting ready to go out is psychologically draining. But everything seems to work out ok in the end with that group. I'm looking forward to the repeat coming soon. Woo!

I'm Not Saying TTIF

So far, this hasn't been an excellent friday. Yesterday was a good thursday. Wednesday was an reasonable wednesday.

I had lunch with the SouthAfrican on wednesday, and then blew off a class. To go shopping. Mum took pity on me and my need to have pretty clothes, so she bought me a dress and an awesome pair of stockings at Sportsgirl. Yay! Good times. I'm fairly broke right now, seeing as i got mum a magazine subscription for mother's day on sunday, and a bunch of nice flowers for her birthday on tuesday (but her birthday meant we got to go out for chinese to it balanced out) - so mother forking out for fashion was a great help.

On thursday, work was annoying; i have too much to do, in too little time, for too little money - and there are too many holes in what we're doing at the moment. The lack of annabel-style organisation is annoying me. And i got told i wasn't allowed to do stuff for everyone, i had to let them make all their own mistakes. I HATE doing that. I ran down to Mitre10 to drop in my resume for a job they were advertising and then met TheLibrarian and Loz for coffee. It was time for our usual quarter anual catch up. We filled each other in on everything and then Loz left to pick up Bob - so TL and i went to the safe next door, bought more coffee and ate funny face biscuits with pink icing. Three hour coffee date in all; not too shabby. On my way home, i ran into B. She was psyched that i'd decided to come to her bro's 21st (which is tonight). Her enthusiasm was pretty much the reason why i decided to go... unfortunately, i'm also facing a night with some people who've quite openly declared their distaste for me. I'm crossing all my fingers and toes that the people who think i'm awesome outweigh the mean people. After tea, i was meant to catch up with a mate, but he bailed. Which worked out fine, because Miha and i had a long-overdue coffee date up at Windy Point, where we bitched and moaned about the state of our worlds. It was all very therapeutic. Thursday was a good day.

However, friday has not been so excellent. Why? Because it's been crap. Les Rentals are fighting, i did reallllly crappy on a psychology test that i was hoping i might have scraped a credit in, i had plans with a friend that i was really looking forward to but they bailed, i got rejected for the job i interviewed for - not once but twice (he called to say i didn't get it, then called back a half hour later because he wasn't sure if he'd already rung me... it was like a double kick in the guts, cos i really wanted it)... Like i said, crap day. And if it continues at this rate, i'm totally going to get annihilated by the mean people tonight. Today sucks. Tonight might suck.

That maccas that i've been craving for about a month now is looking more and more likely to appear in my stomach quite soon. Possibly after tommorow. I have to go back to work at stupid, horrible stateswim tomorrow after a month off, which means even if i have fun tonight i can't stay out late, and i get to top off three hours in a gross pool with youth group tomorrow night, because i'm sure that will do very little to improve my mood. I've already been informed that it's going to be 'boring', so ShirtlessBuddy and English are bailing. Which means an overload of squeaky, loud kids, mixed with wall paint and paper mache. Grrr...

Can you tell that i'm super cranky today? The only plus side is that i've got a little study done... Better than nothing i suppose. I keep checking my phone hoping for some love, but no dice. I'm already looking forward to the weekend being over.

Friday sucks.

David & Goliath

I'm in love with a brand that i discovered in Covent Garden when i was in London. It's called David & Goliath and it's the coolest thing ever. They have funky tees, awesome knick-nacks, cool hoodies. They have a Goonies hoodie!!! I bought a tee that said 'rhino you are but what am i' and has a picture of a rhino on it. They don't have shops here in Australia... i'm devo. I was going to buy some over the net but Americans have a tendency to make you pay through the roof for shipping and i can't afford it. Damned lack of money. If one ever turns up in Australia, i'm going to move in there. The end.

Politics Without Principles

Last sunday (not the one we just had, but the one before that), the sermon was about what happens in politics when there are no principles. One of the girls gave a talk about politics and she was absolutely fantastic - she was articulate and interesting, and i listened to the entire thing, which is the mark of a great sermon.

-- -- you can listen to it at the malvern@6 website -- --

It really got me thinking. El pretty much talked about how it was our duty to help save the world, one step at a time. So next election, i plan to have more of an idea about who i'm voting for. And i've always wanted to save the world... but maybe, when i'm grown up, i'll start a little closer to home. When i'm a grown up, i want to foster/adopt children. To make a difference in the life of a little kid who hasn't got a safe place to live sounds like a pretty good way to make the world a bit of a better place.

There are some times that i really love my church. Like afterwards, when a bunch of us generally hang out on the beanbags and play pool or whatever. We're always just talking over one another, mucking around, having fun... it's cool to have people to chill with, and lately we've all been pretty close. I like hanging out with them.

Anyway, case and point - make a difference in the world.

Run, Walk, Crawl on the FlindersONE Pubcrawl

Last night was the first pub crawl for the entire of Flinders uni. There were so many people involved that they split us into four colour groups and we went to different pubs on rotation. Loz and i had pre-drinks at mine (drinking in pairs is better than drinking alone!), then went into town. Somehow, Loz had the pubs muddled up, so we went to the Winston, and got free drinks at Electric Light before we realised that we were supposed to me at the Elephant. We met up with Elmo and his girlfriend and headed over there for another drink. All along rundle there were people in coloured tee-shirts. As well as our crawl, there were about three other pub crawls out... so tipsy uni students more or less took over the town.

After the Elephant we went back to the Winston. Even though it looked kind of dodgy, we ended up having lots of fun there. A bajillion uni students out for a good time are destined to make fun no matter where they are. Winston to Elephant for a quick drink stop and then over to PJs (where we were supposed to start the night...). Loz and i stuck around for another few drinks at PJs before we gave up and headed home. Yay for pub crawls!

We got home around 12am, which was fairly decent - fitting a big lot of partying into a mere four hours. I fell into bed exhausted. I'd had a pretty fun night; Loz's friends are all pretty awesome and they all seem to like me, which is lots of fun. Naturally, i managed to argue (via text, which is always dangerous) with one of my mates and that put a dampner on things, but i'm trying to ignore than and focus on the fact that Loz's mates don't think i'm a freak and they like hanging out with me! I like making new friends.

Denim Blues

The love of my life, my favourite pair of jeans, are on the verge of death. I've had them for years, and have worn them into the perfect shape. They're the kind of jeans that every girl strives for - the perfect shade of not-too-dark, not-too-light blue; they don't make my butt look big, just the right amount of flare, a waist that doesn't make my tummy hang out, perfect comfort...

And yet, they're dying. A few months ago, nan did a temporary patch job operation. But last week the patches had holes in them and had an emergency denim transplant. Now there's a giant patch. I can't wear them much longer... I'm fairly devastated.

Couple that with my black denim jeans having more holes than a cheese grater and it really is time for a shopping expedition. Jeans shopping is a travesty thrust upon women every year. It's a hideous experience. Trying on a million pairs of awful jeans that make you look fat and hideous is, believe it or not, fairly detrimental to a girl's self-esteem. Not to mention her wallet when she forks out up to $100 per pair of jeans. And a well-stocked wardrobe needs more than one pair! There's the black skinny pair that you can wear out, a comfy pair to live in, a casual light denim pair, a pair of blue boot lets... and possibly some straight leg mid-dark denims. Generally, i scrape by with two pairs. My lack of denim and my sudden wardrobe denim deaths has meant that i'm jeans-less!

It's horrible.

I'm thinking i'm going to have to do this awful task tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Birthday Festivities Continue

I love it when my birthday goes for over a week. It just so much more fun! Last night the uni girls took me out for dinner at the Tandoori Oven on Unley. I had a great night! We ate wayyyy too much food, talked for another hour, then decided that we could fit in dessert. It was delicious. We were the loudest table in the place and were in hysterics for most of the night. The girls were lovely and made me feel like one of the gang. I even scored some awesome pressies! Nights like that are just fantastic. I love making new friends with these girls!

And now the birthday is officially over. Bring on my twenties!

Birthday Drinks

Ohh, how indebted i am to the wonderful Jo at A1 Computers, who fixed my computer within the day. Hurrah! Even though that means that the hours and hours i spent last night re-writing the first half of my essay is more or less a write-off, because now i've recovered the original... but whatever. All is well. And i'm taking a quick study break to tell you all about my awesome sunday night, and then it's back to the grindstone.

I'll admit, in my emo-state, i wasn't all that keen to go out at first. Loz turned up in her fancy, summer wear and my nice winter outfit had to be redesigned. Eventually, i hauled myself out of the house. We hit up Fumo Blu first... and started to steadily make our way through the cocktail list. Conveniently seated right at the bar, we had none of that pesky waiting in line. We could just hail the bartenders over to where we were perched on our very slippery seats. We tried quite a wide range; there was the sickly sweet 'toblerone', and the bitter 'laced nikkers', then the blue 'blue smoke', plus an appletini and a number of pink wonders - 'manik pink', 'gone in 60 seconds' and a 'moulin rouge'... We shared them all and ate all of the fruit from the glasses. Tasty!! SB joined us and we continued to party in the blue lit wonderland of sugary drinks.

Next stop: the Elephant. Another round of drinks infront of us, and some guy turned up to our table. He introduced himself as Atilla. Apparently, he's Hungarian and his fathers name is also Atilla. As in Atilla the hun. It's very popular over there... however, some dude called him Laurence, so who knows what his real name was. The dude had just turned 18, but tried his luck on with us older ladies, going so far as to trying to pimp out his mates to us too. Atilla was pretty funny, so i was happy to entertain him. I got three birthday handshakes and an apology for his being too stingy to buy me a drink to celebrate.

We left the young men (emphasis on the young) and Loz and i made our way down dodgy old Hindley street, past gaggles of creepy men making appreciative noises at the two girls freezing their asses off in the bitingly cold weather and their silly dresses. We found Jive and went in to meet up with Loz's friends. Then it was time for tequila!!! Yummy. And raspberry vodka, because we'd not had a pink drink in about an hour and a half. I ran into an old school friend who i'd not seen in yonks - since our last town encounter - and then it was time to dance. Loz and i hit the d-floor for a bit of a boogie... and they had the BEST music EVER - - - they played Fratellis, Razorlight AND the kooks. It was beyond awesome. You never hear good music like that in the clubs i frequent. Hurrah!! Some more crazy dancing went down, and Bobbert (Loz's bf) and i did our usual love (hey Loz, we're in love, you're out) / hate (hey Loz, ur bf/bff sucks) routine. Loz's friends are really nice and they all made an effort to be nice - but in the kind of way that doesn't make it seem like an effort. The boys made a fuss of me and my birthday, and decided i wasn't smiling enough so made it their job to make me smile even more. Fun times. Then it was time to leave.

Loz and Bobbert grabbed some pizza, then we stood in line at the taxi rank for forty-five minutes. Without shoes, because our feet hurt. And shivering, because it was freezing and we were barely wearing any clothes. I saw another guy friend of mine in the line who i'd not seen in awhile and he was nice and warm, so that was nice. Finnnnnally, we made it into a cab and home.

3.30am. Not bad! It ended up being an awesome night out. Good friends, good drinks, good music, good dancing... It was lots of fun!! Thanks to Loz for pulling me out of my funk - and shouting me an awful lot of drinks! Hurrah for birthdays.

In further good news, i have lost the 3000 word essay that i have been working on. I now have to start from scratch, research and all. And it's due in on wednesday. And i'm supposed to be up at 7.30am tomorrow to go to the gym, AND i'm supposed to go to work tomorrow. Screwed doesn't even begin to cover what i am right now. Technology sucks.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

My freaking computer just blew itself up. Not in the explosion sense, but in the 'won't turn on, is completely useless' sense. I have stolen my brother's computer to work on the 3000word essay that i have due on wednesday, which i now have to re-research, as everything i'd already found is locked away in the dumb shell of a computer which i loathe to call my own. Grrr... I now have to make ANOTHER trip to the computer shop tomorrow. I want a new freaking laptop that isn't going to kill itself every two months. That would be nice.

In other news, i'm starting to understand my hard topic at uni, i had two coffee dates today with various people, the uni girls want to take me to dinner for my bday on thurs (i LOVE it when my birthday stretches for over a week!) and the thing that was making me doom and gloomy is now resolved - the outcome is making me smiley instead, which is an excellent change.

Now, i'm exhausted, but have to at least find all the research that i've lost. Time to weed through the bajillions of articles on the internet.... so much fun (not). I suspect i won't get far before i pass out in front of the computer and retire to bed. But i do have some other stuff to blog about when i get a chance, so i'll get back to you asap - probably sooner than i should, as blogging is ever preterable to studying.

May the computer gods look after your computer better than they do mine!

Time For A Change

I didn't study last night. Instead, i spent the evening taking down the hundred or so photos on my walls. I took away all of my photo albums. I took all the photos off my pin up boards. My room now looks weirdly white and empty, which is good, that's what i wanted. Now, i don't have a room full of ghosts, pictures of people who are no longer in my life and who no longer deserve a space on my walls. Now i have three birthday cards on my pin up board, and some photos of my family... that's it. It's definitely a big change... well, it seems like a big change, seeing as i am used to having my past plastered on the walls.

Speaking of plaster... some of it came off the walls when i pulled down the photos that had been blu-tacked up there, leaving little brown patches where whatever was underneath showed through. Uhoh. In an effort to hide it from my mother (who's going to freak out), i pulled out my handy dandy white out. Now, instead of little brown holes, there are super white ones - i'm hoping this is a little less noticable. It would kind of defeat the purpose of emptying my room if i had to stick stuff back up just to cover the holes in the walls. Oops.

Anyway. I'm hoping my newly blanked out walls and surfaces will be condusive to all of the study that i still have to do.

Je suis pratiquement sûr que je vais être l'objet de dumping de demain, et je suis terrifiée.

Happy Couple

This afternoon was the wedding of some friends of mine, a couple my age from the church. They're very lovely and we've all been looking forward to the wedding for a year. We all got dressed up and clustered around the church waiting for the bride. She looked beautiful, and radiantly happy. The service was great - a few Dr.B-isms, some good music and a couple of amazingly happy people standing up in front of their families and friends and vowed to love one another for the rest of their loves.

I love weddings. It's awesome that people can be that happy. I can't wait until i find someone who loves me enough to let everyone know it. Everyone looked beautiful and it's great to see a church community come together on someone's happy day. May God bless their marriage, and make their life together a very happy one.

..Lolcats... weird but cute

Another day, another day, another day...

I slept until lunch. I went out and blew money on books. I tried to blow money on other things, but couldn't find anything that was worth it. I came home. I ate. I only just opened the documents i need to keep writing me essay.

I was supposed to go on a Law Pub Crawl tonight. I paid the $15 for my tee-shirt. I roped in a friend to come with me. Then, at 2pm this arvo, that friend bailed. Awesome (note pissed off sarcasm). Now i don't really want to go... and yet, i really do want to go. On the one hand, i want to go out, have fun, drink, forget how much my life sucks at the moment, and hang out with my uni friends. But on the other hand, there's the fact that i don't really know my uni friends all that well. Which is why i invited along my non-uni friend. The presence of a good friend means that i can make conversation with my uni peeps without being the outsider. The absence of that friend means i'd be hanging around on the edges, feeling awkward. I'd probably have fun - but i'd also spend the night stressing out and trying to fit in. And i never really do a good job fitting in. What i was looking forward to was a fun, stress free night out where i didn't have to feel worse about myself for being the loser that stresses about talking to friends she's not really close to. GAH! I'm so ridiculous for not going. But i just can't deal with more stress right now. And i am majorly pissed off with both friend and self.

On top of that, i'm still stressing about another situation that's making me feel pretty awful. I've got that horrible feeling in my stomach, i'm miserable, i'm teary. I'm not being over dramatic. I'm just being me - the me who's not going to have an easy job of picking herself up after yet another fall...

So i'm sitting home alone tonight, studying. I'm pulling down all of the photos in my room, because i no longer have any idea who the people in them are. The empty space on the walls matches nicely with that hole in my stomach. Maybe i could do a Peyton Sawyer and paint all of the walls black? Though i don't think my mother would appreciate it...

Three Stages Of Love

I learnt something new the other day. Apparently, there's a stage of love between the love you feel for your family and friends, and being in love. Shall we call it pre-in-love? Love 2.0? Whatever.

The love you feel for your family is conditional. The love you feel for your friends is bound up with thankfulness and gratefulness for their being there for you. You love people who are around to cheer you up, or who care for you.

Being in love with someone usually means they set your world on fire, and imagining life without them feels like a kick in the stomach. You want to be with them all the time, you want to share everything with them, you want to make a life with them. You love them because they are the one person who always has to be there for you.

This middle stage is apparently somewhere in between. You love them because they care about you, and have fun with you. But it's more than that... when they're not around, it hurts a little bit. And really, you'd like to talk to them about everything. You're just not sure that they're the One. But there's a good chance that there might be.

The other day, someone told me that they loved me. Loved me in the middle-love type of a way. And it was really scary to know that someone felt like that about me... but it also made me really happy. But then i think they took it back. I'm not totally sure. But i think so. And somehow, knowing that they've taken that away, i really miss it. I didn't know how i felt about it until it was taken away. Now there's a hole in my stomach where that comforting love used to sit... i'm hoping because it wasn't the in-love type of love, it's going to go away sooner rather than later. I really hope that it does.

Bombing Out

After circling the psych carpark today like a hawk, i finally swiped a car park near to my lecture theatre. Parking there was supposed to save me time from walking from the law carparks, so that i'd have time to read over the notes that i'd neglected to re-read this morning. I got to the theatre, sat down... and realised i was in the wrong place. Eventually, i realised i needed to be up in the law building, because for some reason my psych class was up there. It would have been much faster to park up in law. Instead, i was late to class and went straight into my test, without having time to re-read my notes.

There were 10 multiple choice questions, five short answers. A mark out of 20 overall. I knew some parts of the topic really well. But when you only have 15 questions, there's not much chance to show off your knowledge. And naturally, because i have the luck of Oedipus, most of the test covered the parts i was less sure on. Ok, most of the time i had some idea... but i could have done so much better. I didn't have the slighest idea what the phenomonological aspects of humanistic society were - so i made up an answer based on other stuff i knew about the humanistic theory, that i later discovered wasn't even close to being right. So that's one question i definitely screwed up. Two points gone.

I'm annoyed because i know i could have gone better. But i didn't study hard enough. I didn't try hard enough. I was too busy stressing about the rest of the crap in my life. Now i feel stupid, like a failiure, like i should've tried harder, like i should have done better, like i should have just fucking got over the rest of the crap in my life and finally done some decent study so that maybe i'll get good grades, get into honours and then have the qualifications i want, so i can get the hell out of here and away from everything i know, to start again.

Maybe i didn't totally screw up the test. But right now, it pretty much feels like i can just add this to the huge pile of failiures that i can always see stacking up next to me out of the corner of my eye.

Birthday Girl!

It's official, i'm no longer a teen. Welcome to my life in my twenties... scary! Goodbye immaturity, hello 'the best years of my life' (or so they say).

Yesterday was an interesting day. Let me preface the recount by saying that last year i had the worst birthday i've ever had and spent the entire day miserable thanks to the somewhat selfish actions of others. A year later, i was ready for a cheer-tastic birthday. With that in mind, i have two versions of yesterday to tell you.

Version 1... all started well with the family dinner on tuesday night. I share a birthday with my dad, but he was off to sydney early on wednesday morning, so the celebration was a night early. The fam turned up, we had a lovely roast and mum made chocolate cheesecake for dessert (wow, was it rich and delicious). I spent the night afterwards studying and talking to a friend whom i love very much. All in all an excellent birthday eve. I woke up the next morning, opened some more pressies - and opened the front door to see Mr.Music standing there with pink cupcakes made specially for me!! Sweetest thing ever. Then i headed off to spend a lovely morning with a friend, just hanging out. It was pretty much the best feeling, and i was really happy. I headed up to uni at lunchtime - not to go to class, but to have lunch with Loz, Mr.Music and the SouthAfrican. The SouthAfrican made me close my eyes and he put 20 candles on a muffin in the middle of the uni restaurant. So adorable! I made more birthday wishes (no, of course i can't tell you what they are, then they won't come true!) and we whipped our hands around trying to disperse the smoke and avoid the smoke alarms going off. SA and i had chinese for lunch and made a customary trip to the health food store, this time for dried fruits. Yummm, forbidden mango. That night, mum brought me a cupcake with a candle on it, because a birthday can't go by without making wishes. So i wished my birthday wish again. Do you think that'll make it come true?

I got some lovely cards, a new wallet, some earrings, a gigantuan coldplay mug, dvds, some money... plus 19 birthday messages, 41 facebook posts, and one person wish to bring me smiles. When you look at it that way, my birthday was awesome. I have some awesome friends, who care a lot about me.

I try not to think too much about birthday version two. The one where my computer external harddrive was hit by a power surge and i lost everything on it. Or the one where a friend of mine who i care about SO much really, really hurt me. I did spend a good few hours of the day in floods of tears - the unattractive kind, where my face is swollen and my jeans are wet from tears. Being hurt by people makes me miserable at the best of times. Being like this with someone i love this much near kills me. I'm praying that it's going to get better, which is the only reason that i'm not an dysfunctional mess right now, thank goodness, as i have a huge assignment to get done. In that respect, my birthday wasn't so great... but i still cried less than i did last year, which is a massive improvement. So it wasn't a totally sucky birthday.

Well, now that i'm officially old, i'd better start being responsible. I'm going to start by beginning my 3000word essay that's due in less than a week. And following that up by going out friday and saturday nights and partying... woot. 365 days until i turn 21! I like birthdays.

Soft Spot...

So there's this guy on One Tree Hill. He's the definitive bad guy. Yes, i'm talking about Dan. He's manipulative, cruel, nasty... and a murderer.

He kills his own brother, because he thought that his brother had once tried to kill him. Turns out that it wasn't his brother, but his wife... but Dan didn't find that out until after he'd shot his brother. Oops. Immediately, he was wracked with guilt and his life was worth nothing. Eventually he turned himself in. Four years later, he was released from jail. He tried to make amends with his family - but they didn't want a bar of them.

I feel so sorry for him. I mean, sure, he did the wrong thing. And he paid for it - he lost everything and spent time in prison. Of course, that doesn't undo the wrong that he did, nothing would ever bring back his brother. I know that i should hate him. Loz does - she thinks i'm nuts. But seeing the miserable look on Dan's face when his family turns his back on him is heartbreaking. Do people deserve a second chance for forgiveness, no matter what their crime was?

Tha answer to that is probably not. In my more rational moments, i get that. But when i'm watching his face crumple and his desparate bid for forgiveness i feel so sorry for him. I know it's only a TV show, but i tend to have these responses in everyday situations too, so maybe i'd respond the same way if it was real life? Anyway, either way, i feel sorry for Dan Scott.