Every day is a struggle at the moment. Wow, how emo do i sound. Do you have any idea how much i would give to be full of sunshine and rainbows and laughter? While i realise that nobody is happy all the time, i think that being this sad and miserable and sick all the time isn't how life is supposed to be. 

As it stands, i can't get out of bed in the morning, i cry all the time and i am having dizzy spells all the time. Occasionally, i'll have bursts of uncontrollable laughter - fun for a time, but when you're crying and you can't stop laughing for no good reason it's not such a hoot. 

It's Kids Club next week. Four days, each about 10hrs long, filled with yelling kids and unhappy leaders and arguments, personality clashes, weather ruining our plans and the appalling public transport system of south australia. At the moment, i just don't want to do my job anymore. I get very little happiness out of it... yes, i organise everything and kids club is growing bigger every holidays. But where am i going? Nowhere. I'm not getting promoted (in fact, i'm getting less responsibility and my name isn't even on the website), i'm not making a career out of things, i'm not even very involved during the week - i tend to spend the week making sure that everyone is doing what they're supposed to be doing. I like organising things... but somehow, this just is no longer putting a smile on my face. 

I still have classes next week (stupid uni holidays not matching school holidays), so i have work coming out of my ears. I've had three shifts at the deli this weekend (one more to go tomorrow), and a bunch more jobs to do for kids club. Time just runs away from me!! I'm dying to sleep in and relax for a little while. 

To survive, i've spent my hard earned cash on dvds and books. Thank goodness for internet buying. Don't thank goodness for my rapidly diminishing bank balance. Money sucks. 

Poor boyfriend has been a saint, putting up with my miserable moods, tears and clingy-ness. Thankfully, he still loves me and wants to look after me. I'd do anything to have him with me now, giving me cuddles and making me feel safe. But he's not here and i'm shaky and upset and feel like crap. Crap is seemingly my default setting at the moment. 

I'm off to waste time until i'm so tired that i can pass out exhausted. Before i drag myself out of bed tomorrow morning, to go to work again... life sucks.