Friday, November 19, 2010

Hi world!

I've settled into wordpress. It will never be the same, but it's nice to have made a new blogosphere home. As soon as exams (horror!) are over, i'll be trying to devote some quality blog-time to breaking in my new pad.

Surprisingly, some wonderful bloggers have found the hovel since i left it, and the comments they have left made me smile - something which hasn't been easy recently. It reminded me why i love the blogosphere so much. Finding people to talk with, people's opinions to read, new things to learn... Love it.

My last post was dismal, and less eloquent than i generally prefer to be. However, it was fitting for my mood at the time... because i've been blackballed at my church, my second home, for standing up to two other girls who were being bullied. Because i'm always the 'tough' one, the minister there sided with the bully. That's a very simplified explanation. But there are no words to describe the searing pain that i feel when i think of how the minister behaved, how he treated me after knowing me for 11 years and seeing me grow up. In such a short amount of time he went from my inspiration to my nightmare. What made it worse? The fact that i've not found a single person who agreed with him - and yet not one single person thought that i was worth enough to stand up for, that i was worth anything. For all the church preaches, about aeccptance, standing up for what's right, treating people well and being fair... the church i thought was leading the way in community outreach, and doing amazing things... Turns out they're hypocrites.

It's been a month or so. I don't cry every day now. But i feel like i've been kicked in the stomach everytime i think of church, or anytime something reminds me of the home i used to have there (which is pretty much everything). I was threatened into quitting my job, my friends abandoned me as they were too weak to stand up for what they believed in, and any purpose i thought that i had in life was demolished. It's horrendous. I won't ever get over it. I don't understand it, so i can't move past it.

Exams are nearly over; one more next friday. With all the bad things that happened this semester, not just at church, but with my family and my health, getting through these exams has been monumental. But i'm nearly done, and then i get a break, at last, which will hopefully help. Although, my summers used to be full of activities and events that i ran for my church... and now they'll be empty, through no choice of mine. It's scary. And lonely...

I'll survive, don't worry about that. I know i can go on, without being happy. I know that eventually things will be ok. But for now, i shall write like a prophet of doom. Although, i'll be doing so from wordpress, because the betrayers, the hypocrites, the mean people who hurt me - they can't get to me there. If you don't know those people, and you still like what you've found in the hovel, leave me a comment or throw me an email and i'll cyber-direct you right over to my new digs. If enough of you come, i'll throw a blog-warming. It's lonely over there! Either way, thanks for the comments.

They made my november.

22 comments:

Rebecca said...

Bella- I received your comment. Thank you, it was a pleasant surprise! I would like to respond to you in private if that's ok. I moderate my comments, so an email address would not be made public. I read this new post and have something to share that I hope will encourage you.

Blessings,
Rebecca

Dimitri said...

I am glad your november was made, and thanks again for hopping over to my blog, also what is your new blogs name?

Dear Carissmi said...

I am proud of you for standing up to someone being bullied. Hugs sent your way.

Thelonius Bostik said...

November has a certain critical vibration; i'm glad your exams fitted neatly into the spiritual routine.
please bring your delicate transcendental vision to my site and share your insight:
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Simeon Dimitri said...

I found this again! Hope wordpress is finding you well.

Sharon S. Newby said...

you sound very brave... hope life is treating you better than that church did. peace to you...

sharon

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Gently Rolling Tumbleweed said...

Hey. I think it was a very brave thing you did, my hat's off to you!
But you shouldn't be going on without being happy :/ I understand it...
I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

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rebel Xfire said...

for evil to triumph
good folk need do nothing ...

always stand up for those who need you to stand up for them ...
that's a brave and wonderful way to be ...
the church rarely does brave things ..so i wouldnt worry about it , move on , if your God exists , Im sure he will be on your side .

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