I have friend-troubles. I often do. There was always the question 'is it me, or is it them?'. Is it my fault? Am i too immature, too demanding, too different? It would be easy to blame it all on myself, i'm good at that. But i broke it down - and i don't think it is. I'm 19; i'm not a 30yr old woman or a 14yr old girl. I act my age. I'm learning, i'm insecure, i'm responsible, i'm reliable. I act my age. Am i demanding? Well, i expect my friends to be loyal and to keep in touch. I want to know that they're there for me, if i needed them to be. I don't think that's too much - i think that i manage to be that kind of a friend to other people. Maybe i'm just too damn annoying. But i don't think that's it either.
One friend goes around telling people we're 'drifting apart', while making no effort to catch up or keep in touch. She rudely bails on things. She doesn't like that i spend any time with her boyfriend and his friends - even though i knew them first. She makes things difficult. I've tried to accomodate this for a year, and now the drama and strain is just too much for me. So i'm giving up.
Another friend, someone who used to be my best friend, wrote me a letter 'explaining' her position. More or less, the letter said that she'd 'grown up' and only needed to see her old friends two or three times a year to keep in touch, for a half hour here or there. It said that she valued my friendship, and knowing that i'm there for her is enough. But there was an undeniable condecending tone. Basically, the message was 'i want to be friends, but only if we do it my way'. That doens't really fly with me. I don't need to see my friends everyday. But i usually txt or e-mail back and forth with them every few weeks. We know what's going on in each others lives. This girl has no idea about me, and fools herself into thinking that we're still ok. In my world, for close friends, things don't work that way. Further evidence to support that? Earlier this year, a few of the girls found out that i'd been keeping something a secret, something that was really damaging me. It was a serious thing. I never expected them to talk about it with me (which was good, because they mentioned it once and then never again). But i did expect them to show me that they would be there for me if i needed them. A half hour coffee every five months with absolutely no contact in between doesn't measure up. The letter talked about not wanting to fit into my 'mould' of a good friend - when, essentially, she was asking me to fit into hers. I'm sure i'll see her around from time to time, but as for any notions of proper friendship, it looks like we've got no hope.
Just to add insult to injury, another friend of mine upset me the other night. He's the kind of guy who makes promises and pleads for my trust - but once he has it, he abuses and uses it, and me. He can be charming and wonderful, and those are the parts that i tend to focus on... until i realise that he's just made me cry with his ridiulousness. Makes and breaks plans, taunts me, comes and goes when it's convenient. Maybe i should steer clear of that...
I used to be the kind of friend who gave people her everything and asked for very little in return. I was 'the funny one' and the one that people came to to talk about their problems and be made to feel better. I was loyal to a fault and would drop everything to help them. After high school, i couldn't be that person anymore. It was too hard to be give-give-give and never take. A lot of my friends didn't appreciate having to give something back. Other people couldn't figure out why i needed friends to 'be there for me'; it became a task that apparently my school friends weren't keen on. The little things started to throw our relationships off and things got messy and complicated.
These days, my close friends aren't people that i was really good friends with in high school. My high school BFFs are still around though, and cutting ties with them seems so impossible. I hate having to leave such a big part of my life behind, but i don't think it would be healthy to continue the way we were. It hurts too much. And i'm going to have to work on not letting people use me anymore. I have trouble saying 'no', trouble letting go and trouble finding people who aren't going to hurt me.
Friendship is so complicated. It's a minefield and a disaster, seemingly more good than bad. Is it supposed to be like that? Hopefully, things will settle down sooner or later, and i can stop worrying about people disapearing on me, damaging me, messing me around - and finally just have reliable friends, who i can have fun with.
I really, really hope that it's sooner rather than later.
One friend goes around telling people we're 'drifting apart', while making no effort to catch up or keep in touch. She rudely bails on things. She doesn't like that i spend any time with her boyfriend and his friends - even though i knew them first. She makes things difficult. I've tried to accomodate this for a year, and now the drama and strain is just too much for me. So i'm giving up.
Another friend, someone who used to be my best friend, wrote me a letter 'explaining' her position. More or less, the letter said that she'd 'grown up' and only needed to see her old friends two or three times a year to keep in touch, for a half hour here or there. It said that she valued my friendship, and knowing that i'm there for her is enough. But there was an undeniable condecending tone. Basically, the message was 'i want to be friends, but only if we do it my way'. That doens't really fly with me. I don't need to see my friends everyday. But i usually txt or e-mail back and forth with them every few weeks. We know what's going on in each others lives. This girl has no idea about me, and fools herself into thinking that we're still ok. In my world, for close friends, things don't work that way. Further evidence to support that? Earlier this year, a few of the girls found out that i'd been keeping something a secret, something that was really damaging me. It was a serious thing. I never expected them to talk about it with me (which was good, because they mentioned it once and then never again). But i did expect them to show me that they would be there for me if i needed them. A half hour coffee every five months with absolutely no contact in between doesn't measure up. The letter talked about not wanting to fit into my 'mould' of a good friend - when, essentially, she was asking me to fit into hers. I'm sure i'll see her around from time to time, but as for any notions of proper friendship, it looks like we've got no hope.
Just to add insult to injury, another friend of mine upset me the other night. He's the kind of guy who makes promises and pleads for my trust - but once he has it, he abuses and uses it, and me. He can be charming and wonderful, and those are the parts that i tend to focus on... until i realise that he's just made me cry with his ridiulousness. Makes and breaks plans, taunts me, comes and goes when it's convenient. Maybe i should steer clear of that...
I used to be the kind of friend who gave people her everything and asked for very little in return. I was 'the funny one' and the one that people came to to talk about their problems and be made to feel better. I was loyal to a fault and would drop everything to help them. After high school, i couldn't be that person anymore. It was too hard to be give-give-give and never take. A lot of my friends didn't appreciate having to give something back. Other people couldn't figure out why i needed friends to 'be there for me'; it became a task that apparently my school friends weren't keen on. The little things started to throw our relationships off and things got messy and complicated.
These days, my close friends aren't people that i was really good friends with in high school. My high school BFFs are still around though, and cutting ties with them seems so impossible. I hate having to leave such a big part of my life behind, but i don't think it would be healthy to continue the way we were. It hurts too much. And i'm going to have to work on not letting people use me anymore. I have trouble saying 'no', trouble letting go and trouble finding people who aren't going to hurt me.
Friendship is so complicated. It's a minefield and a disaster, seemingly more good than bad. Is it supposed to be like that? Hopefully, things will settle down sooner or later, and i can stop worrying about people disapearing on me, damaging me, messing me around - and finally just have reliable friends, who i can have fun with.
I really, really hope that it's sooner rather than later.
1 comment:
That sucks. Everybody deserves to have good friends and you do too. I think there are different categories of friends though - some are just here for a season, some are destined never to be more than casual friends and it's only the few, the chosen who we allow to be close friends. There's wisdom in knowing who that is.
Sometimes I think I could spend my whole life looking for the perfect friend who really understands me, who contacts when I want and has all the perfect qualities I desire. But then I reckon that such a person doesn't exist, and hey I'm not perfect either. I'm just grateful there are people willing to try.
I don't know why it is, but people always let each other down. Dependability and trustworthiness are so hard to find, but are - i think - shown in their fulness in Jesus.
I know that there are people who have told you that they're there for you but haven't been let in. I'm scared about my inevitable imperfections and failings ending up being posted on here, but maybe you should give those people a shot and take them at their word.
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