Happy Birthday Mum

Today is mum's birthday, so we went out for dinner. 

My family is crazy. We don't always get on. My parents love me, but i've always been a prickly person. Tonight, i was just invisible. Invisible, or not good enough. Want the examples of how?

1. As soon as we sat down, mum and dad started harassing me about doing in internship at a law firm, so i could see what it's like. I don't want to do an internship. I'm already crazy busy. I don't even know if i want to do law. That lead to them angrily telling me that i needed to start seriously thinking about what i was going to do with my life. Gee, thanks, it's not like i'm not already worried that i have no ambition. Thanks for being supportive.

2. Mum and dad were talking to my brother about the football match he wants to see, because that's the date they will go on the family trip to melbourne to see my sister and her baby. My protests that i didn't know if i could go then were ignored. Looks like i'll be staying home. 

3. My dad asked me how long i'd had two holes in my left ear. It's been a year. 

4. We were talking about insuring the house and contents. I wanted mum to include my books and dvds. I have literally hundreds of books in my room. At an average price of $20 each, that's approximately $8000, at the very least. And that's just the ones on the shelves in my room - not the ones packaged in the roof, or downstairs. Or my dvds. Worthy of insuring, if you ask me. Mum laughed. And moved on to the next topic. 

5. I was telling mum that i'd had to forge a friend's signature the other day, which i thought was fairly cool. Mum turned to my brother and started talking to him. When i repeated myself, she said 'yea, i heard you'. Gee, thanks for acknowledging me.

So. I have no girl friends. And my parents either see right through me, or think i suck. Fan-fricking-tastic. Don't even get me started on all the other things they routinely yell at me about. I don't want to get any more miserable tonight.

Mother, May I

This post is password protected, so that my rantings will be vaguely moderated. The world makes me angry. You know the drill; if you really have to know, i need an email.

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you all had a lovely day and got very spoilt.

Boyfriend and i had lunch with the family (geez, he's brave), which wasn't as bad as usual seeing as most of the family wasn't there and that eliminate the likelihood for huge fights. Even so, boyfriend was bored and we went back to his place later in the afternoon. It was like a breath of fresh air - his family is so great! We joined in on the tail end of their family lunch and festivities. It was so much more fun. Plus, we got cheesecake.

In the evening we played an awesome boardgame - it is now my favourite and i want it :P It's called Articulate! and it is the best. Full stop. You get into two teams, and, in a similar fashion to Trivial Pursuit, work your way around the board, according to different coloured questions. But instead of just a question and answer, you get given a word and have to make your teammates guess what is is without using the word (example: you could describe the word 'conquering' by saying 'Napolean does this, it happens in wars, violent...). However many words your team gets in one minute is the number of squares you advance. Does that make sense? I love words, so this was the game for me. Plus, playing it with Boyfriend's family was hilarious.

Boxing day was more of the same, as i came back to Boyfriend's for lunch with his family. Mmm, more turkey! And more Articulate! We played long into the night, because we played boys against girls and the girls kept winning, which the boys were determined to rectify. I haven't laughed like that in a looooong time.

At home, my stupid internet isn't working, so i can't blog much. Also, i leave for europe on friday, which means i have a million things to do... i'm fairly stressed about leaving (i don't feel organised, my accomodation just fell through, i don't want to leave boyfriend, and i'm worried i'm going to be very lonely...). But i'll make sure to keep you updated during my travels.

Enjoy New Year's Eve if i don't talk to you all before then!

Old Boys Club

A week or so ago it was time for the annual Adelaide Club fathers and children dinner. I said i'd go with Dad, because i knew it would be good for us to bond but the condition was that some family friends of ours would go too, so that i'd have someone to talk to! At the last minute, they pulled out. Dad said that we'd skip it, as neither of us were that keen to go... but then he changed his mind. Grumpy face. But still, i didn't mind toooo much. But then mum stepped in.

I was informed that everything i owned was unsuitable and promiscuous, so she wanted to me wear my ridiculous navy blue and brown bo-peep dress with the pleated puffy sleeves and the big bow at the back. No thanks. That dress makes me look like an idiot. I asked mum if i could wear my black strapless - it's knee length, plain, perfectly reasonable. Mum flipped. Apparently, it's unacceptable to wear strapless dresses to the Adelaide Club. Goodness knows why. Naturally, tempers errupted, huge arguments ensued. Eventually, mum furiously told me i could wear my black dress so long as i wore a jacket over it. By the time Dad and i finally left, things were strained.

Once we arrived, things were ok. I was in my pretty dress and my pretty heels, so i felt ok. Sure, i knew nobody and was surrounded by strange old men. Then i saw a girl that i went to school with and we chatted until it was time to be seated. In typical Adelaide Club style, everything was done by the book. The men weren't allowed to sit until after the opening words and after the women had been seated. There were far too many forks, spoons, knives and glasses in front of me, but i managed to use them all correctly and eat properly, so i did Dad proud.

It turned out that the people we'd been seated with were lovely. One man was a judge on the Supreme Court, and the other was an accountant i think. Their kids all knew each other, so were riotously getting along at the other end of the table, while i was listening quietly to their conversations and occasionally joining in on the men's conversation. Dad's like me. As the meal slowly progressed, the kids at the other end of the table started to warm to me and include me. The boy next to me was lovely and one of the girls, Charlotte, came and sat next to me during dessert and we chatted about life, travel, study - all that kind of thing. It was good.

Add to that that the food was yummy. Rather than the usual tiny portions of pretentious food, the courses were well sized and delicious. By the end of it, i was stuffed, as was everyone else. The chocolate mousse for dessert with strawberries was delish. Yay for yummy pretentious food. And thank goodness i wore the black dress. I was surrounded by beautiful girls with shoulders bared; if i'd worn the bo peep dress, i would have stuck out like a sore thumb and been avoided like the plague by the fancy kids.

Overall, it was a pretty good night. The conversation was scintillating, the people were interesting, the food was good, the tradition was nice and dad and i got along really well. It was a good night!! Normally, rich people aren't my favourite, as they tend to be a little self absorbed and spoilt. But i don't know, there was something different tonight. It was nice to sit down and talk to people who were intelligent and confident. It was almost as if i fit in? While i hate the stigma of the elitist world, i have to face the facts. I have been born into that world, surrounded by well-educated and cultured people. My parents friends travel lots, play gold and bridge and have a plethora of long lunches where they sit around drinking wine. It's a lifestyle. Granted, i do more for the community than many of them do. But i can hold my own in their conversations. I'm bright, curious and quick-witted. While i hate admitting it, it's nice to just relax into that snobby world sometimes.

This year, dinner was much more bearable than the last time. I relaxed into their world instead of fighting against it. It was so much easier. Next year, i'll give it another go and see how it goes down. And, with any luck, i'll get to hang out with some of the people i met this year sometime soon, because they were good fun. All in all, a successful night. Dad was pleased. Yay!!

I had a horrible fight with my parents last night, that was beyond awful. Today, i'm not speaking to my father. I'm talking to mum, but only when strictly necessary. It was an absolute doozy of a fight. I want them to apologise... mum might, but dad never will - when he's the one who really needs to, seeing as mum just follows his lead.

I had a pub crawl last night and tried to enjoy myself, but it didn't really work. Loz and i ended up drinking coffee, only going into one pub, and having maccas before making it home before 11.30pm. Pathetic effort really.

In an effort to rebel, today i went out and pierced another hole in one of my ears. I then went to the hairdresser, got them to cut, dye and style my hair, and put the whole thing on mum's credit card. She noticed the hair and wasn't happy. She hasn't noticed the earring, or the whopping amount for a haircut on her card. I suspect that she'll hit the roof. Dad, of course, won't even notice...

Tonight, i have to go out again. Due to certain aspects of the fight, i'll be driving, not drinking, and coming home after only an hour or so. Doesn't sound like much fun to me. But i have to go, as it's a farewell thing...

I don't like fighting with my parents. My dad's answer to everything is to laugh at me, and call me irrational. Which hardly helps. Naturally, i don't take it at all well. I'm a good child and am generally left to my own devices. I don't like it when they suddenly decide to exert their 'parental power' to such extent.

I should be getting ready now but am watching twenty eight weeks later because i'm a crazy person and am scaring myself somewhat shittless. But i really need to go and get myself ready...

Hopefully my parents stop being terrible soon...

PS. I Love You (pt 1)

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Money, Money, Money

Chalk up another mighty row with the parents. What about? Money.

It all started because of this $900 dollars that the government is forking out. I was so excited! $900 dollars that i couldn't save - in fact, i'd be commanded to spend it on whatever i liked. I had big plans! I could spent it on all of the technology that i really couldn't justify otherwise. Things that i WANTED, not needed. I could stop scrimping and saving for a change. It was going to be great.

And then i started hearing things. Seems like i don't get anything at all. Apparently, i don't count as a taxpayer because i don't earn more than $10, 000 a year - which means that whenever i get taxed, i get it all back. Ok, that makes sense. I get all of my tax back, so i don't deserve to fit into that category. But then there's the student bonus. I'm a student. I pay HECS fees. Therefore i should get the money, yes? No. Apparently, because i'm not on a student allowance, i don't really count as a student (what does this make me? A tool who spends her time hanging around a uni without actually studying there?!).

I'm not allowed student allowance because my dad earns too much money. This would make sense - if my dad gave me heaps of money. My parents don't fork out money, and i don't ask for it. I work two jobs but don't get paid heaps. So, my funds are fairly depleated. Always. The government refuses to help me, without looking at my earnings, because they assume that my parents shower me with money. I know for a fact that a bunch of my friends get given loads of money from their parents, and still get government money. Dad says that it all depends on what people declare and things... all i know is that friends of mine who earn more than me get government money on top of that. Not fair.

I was talking to mum and dad about how unfair it was. Their solution? Same as their solution for everything; quit my job at church. Apparently 'working at a church' is synonomous for 'root of all evils'. Ironic. I could quit my job, where i run programs, organise events, handle money, advertising, man phones and interact with all sorts of people. I'm helping make my little corner of the world a better place. And i could go ring up magazines at the local newsagent. Fulfilling? No. Teaching life skills? Nope. More money? Yup. I refuse to quit my job. As much as it stresses me out sometimes, i don't know what i'd do without it.

Then it turns to how priviledged i am, because my dad earns money. Don't get me wrong, i'm grateful for everything that i have, truly. But it doesn't control my life. Mum disagrees. Whenever i say that i don't need all of the perks - i'm fairly sure she thinks i wouldn't cope without it all. She doesn't understand that 50% of the time, i'm away from her. I'm at work, i'm out and about - and i'm living within MY means, small as they are.

It'd be different if i lived alone. I mentioned this - and they laughed in my face. 'You have no idea how much it costs to live out of home'. Duh, i wouldn't be able to afford it - but not for the reasons they think. Mum's argument: 'do you know how much i spend on food?!' - i don't need to eat like we do at home! Mum buys the best of everything. But i don't need that! I could live off two minute noodles. I do, when i'm away from home! I don't need fancy food. Mum scoffed - 'you like greek feta best! not the others!' She's absolutely ridiculous. Yes, i like greek feta better than other fetas. But what does that have to do with anything!?! If i can't afford feta, i don't eat feta. I'm not so accustomed to my style of living that i couldn't live without fine foods.

For my mother and father to have such a low opinion of me that they believe i couldn't survive without expensive food, fancy meals out and holidays away both infuriates and saddens me. I can't believe that they have such a low opinion of me... It's unfair, and goes to show just how little they really know me. I give up a lot of myself, my time and my money to do my job well. My parents refuse to get involved in that world, so they don't see any of it - apparently they just think i'm a lovely girl, who's spoiled and stupid, to be working in a fulfilling job that doesn't pay well.

I think they've got a few things wrong. But they both sit there, chuckling, laughing at me and telling me that i'm just dramatic and scoffing at my insistance that i'm more than that.

It's a horrible feeling.

Mal-FUNction

It finally happened - last week was our church's enourmous week-long community event; Mal-FUNction. We had an event everyday, to reach out to the community. It was lots of fun... but completely exhausting and i've hardly had a minute to spare for over a week - hence why i've not been around the blogosphere much lately.

After the official launch on sunday, monday saw the first event. It was a community prayer night. I wasn't expecting it, but the community responded amazingly well. Everyone seemed happy to contribute prayer suggestions when people door-knocked and asked for requests. That kind of response from people in the neighbournood was really heartening. It makes me feel like people actually care about things other than themselves after all.

Tuesday night was a community dinner; come along and bring a friend. This dinner was for the older members of the church, so a bunch of youth group-ers came along to serve. After a day of work, i was exhausted, but suprisingly, it was lots of fun! I served the chicken (ahem... i may have got a little competitive with the girl serving the lamb - but i won; i ran out of chicken first!), and did most of the dishes. We had a great system. I washed, another girl rinsed, a few people dried and others put away. By the time we'd washed three courses worth of dishes and glasses for 100 people, my fingers were super pruney, but it had been fun mucking round in the kitchen with the others.

Wednesday, i changed into my pretty, pretty new Melbourne dress. Then it was time for the second community dinner, for the younger set this time. Bri came along (true definition of an excellent friend) and we had an awesome meal. We'd forgotten about wine, so we snuck in some malibu - not that we needed it, i was already on a massive high. It's the dress; it was awesome. The speaker was inspriational, the music was cool and hanging out with English and Bri was a hoot.

On Thursday, a few of us headed down to Coles and spent the next three hours giving away free muffins and bottles of water to shoppers. Again, it was well recieved. A bunch of people asked us 'what's the catch?', but once we explained that we didn't really have ulterior motives, most people were pretty happy to chat to us. Some looked at their feet and walked straight past, but lots were smiley and thankful. Two young boys hung around for over half an hour, eating muffins and yelling out to passerbys 'hey, these are awesome! eat some! really!!'. That was pretty cool. I was dubbed the Pied Piper, as children like these tend to flock to me... they said they'd be at friday and saturday's events! A few other people were extra keen, and lots said they'd already heard about the events and were coming. It was a great response - we gave away hundreds of bottles of water!!

On Friday, we set a world record for the most people doing hopscotch at once! You had to have four people on a court and two observers on every court; so we had 66 hoppers and 33 observers. Almost 100 people over all! Nobody had set this record before, so we were pretty much definately going to win. Why did we pick hopscotch? Well, we wanted to raise awareness for child slavery - and hopscotch is a game which child slaves wouldn't have a chance to play. World Vision came along to support the cause. We were really pleased with the turnout; lots of people from the community were there - and so were the two boys from the night before, with one of their mates! Afterwards, we showed three movies on different big screens, with free popcorn and other yummy treats.

Saturday was the big day - our street party!!!! We blocked off the entire street, had police escorts, bands, choirs, kids singers, face painters, a giant giraffe costume (woot!), kids programs, a rock climbing wall, a bouncy castle, games, free fairy floss, community canvases, a free market (yes, FREE, not flea!!)... and all of that was free!! There was some delicious food and other treats too, at super cheap prices. A bunch of people in the community had stalls selling cool wares. Plus, Compliments of Gus came all of the way from Melbourne to play for a few hours; they're an awesome band! Love them. I spent most of the arvo running around like mad doing this and that, and then i sat around waiting - unsuccesfully - for people to come to our kids club activities. I finally got some free time before i had to rush home for dad's party. It was so much fun! I ate fairy floss and rainbow paddlepops, WOO! There were hundreds of people there! Dr.B thought there were about 1000 people through in total, which is amazing. We were all so stoked.

Over the week, so many people had put in an amazing amount of effort. Seeing both the church community and the wider community pull together to create such amazing events. It was fantastic. So much fun - made the tiredness worth it. Thankfully, we're not doing it every year... but in two years time, we'll be excited to do it all again, hopefully with even better results. Yay team!

Partying With The Old Timers

Tonight was my dad's long awaited 60th birthday party. He was so excited - it was quite cute! There were heaps of people at our place; family, friends, work mates... Dad's speech was funny and clever, it got lots of laughs. My brother, Pon, decided to do one too (much to the fear of the rest of the family), but surprisingly it was touching and heartfelt. One of my dad's oldest mates did the other speech, and it was really funny, as we'd known it would be. A perfect combination of speeches.

I spent most of the night saying hello to people i hadn't seen in a long time, and answering the 'what are you doing at uni' question. It seems that once you've stopped growing, the question changes from 'wow, have you grown?' to 'well, what are you up to?'. I said the same thing so many times. Everyone thought that i was gorgeous, and was emphatic in telling me so, which was very nice of them all. Also, almost everyone said that i was looking just like my mum. Mum's quite pretty, so i suppose that's a good thing. People said i looked like dad too, which is nice - i like my family resemblance. For once, we actually managed to take some family photos, yay!!

There were photos on rotation of dad throughout the times. When he was young, he was tall, dark and handsome. No question. Lucky mum. My little brother Nick will grow up to look like him. Some of dad's mates have decided that from certain angles he's a dead ringer for Colin Firth. I reckon that's pretty cool - i have a dad who occasionally looks like Colin Firth!

I spent an hour or more on the couch with one of dad's interstate friends who i've always got along with well in the past. She's so lovely. She's buddhuist and alternative, with two boys (one a tad older and one a tad younger than me). We talked church, family, life, uni - and even love, when the whole horridious love-triangle crap from last year came to light. I love this woman - she makes me feel like i'm actually a great person. She was so proud of me for all of the things that i do in my life. She thinks they're so worthy, that i live a well-rounded life, that i'd be a great psychologist, that i'm mature and that i'm going to be great. I love her.

I missed all the yummy finger food, so eventually i got into my pjs and ate chips on the kitchen bench, while mum cooked party pies. Yum! Everyone was amused to see me go from all-dolled-up, to little-miss-casual. It's nice to hang out with dad's friends sometimes. They adore me, and think i'm so clever and pretty. It's like one big fan club.

So, even though i wasn't really looking forward to a night with boring adults, repetitve questions, blah blah blah, i had a pretty good time. My feet hurt from my shoes, about four people ran smack bang into the glass doors, i missed the food and i'm super tired, but i made grown up conversation, made people happy, and saw my dad smile and laugh like i rarely see him do. All four of us kids were together, which we hardly ever are, and mum and dad were so pleased. I wore a pretty dress and kept mum happy. All was well.

Report on the enormous week that was Mal-FUN-ction is to come when i get a moment free...

Sunday, Monday, Home

Sunday we woke up and packed as much of our crap as we could manage. The rest of it we just threw into the back of the car - which now more closely resembled a dump. We had to check out by 10am; we handed our key over to the X-Base desk chicks and left our building with the bright-red-facade. We walked a few hundred metres down the road and found the Hotel Esplanade, which was apparently very famous. We ordered brekkie (huge meals!) and met up with Pix, my sister. Together we wandered the Esplanade markets. They were a little more expensive than our tight budget allowed for, but i scored an awesome photograph by some famous guy, and a ring for $2.50. Then we turned onto Ackland street, where there were heaps of funky little shops with cool clothes and random things in them. I scored a demin vest on sale, an Edward Monkton book, a decorative egg for nan (standard - i get her one everytime i go away). Woo!!

We went back for Thomas and followed Pix back to her place. We were crashing there for the night, seeing as our hostel was fully booked. Her house was really cute, a little cottage that she shared with her boyfriend. It took about four trips to empty the car - the guest room was nearly overflowing with all our crap...

...Too stuffed to deal with it all, we took Thomas and found the ScienceWorks (equivalent to the awesome Investigator Science Centre in Adelaide that was closed down). We spent a few hours playing in the giant kitchen, mucking around with fossils, and hitting the Planetarium. The Planetarium was awesome! We were in chairs that reclined fully under the domed ceiling, and we spent forty minutes watching a Harrison Ford (voice over) doco about life on other planets, and had all of the constellations pointed out to us on a beautiful image of the sparkly sky. It was just like being outside in the country!

It took us an hour to make the fifteen minute journey home, after filling up the car yet again. Somehow we got totallylost and did a loop of the entire city, past Flemmington racetrack and detouring past any toll gates. Heaps of streets were blocked off in the city because of a gay parade, so that complicated things further. We were off our map and really had no idea where we were... and then we were running out of petrol. Finally, with me in an absolute panic about running out of petrol, we found a little station. WOO!! And then we made it home in one piece.

Pix and her boyfriend cooked us hamburgers for tea, and then we girls watched So You Think You Can Dance. Pix is totally addicted... now i am too. Then we watched Election, a very creepy and bizzare Reece Witherspoon/Matthew Broderick movie. It was a little too sex-sex-sex for me, but whatever. We gave up on packing that night...

...and woke up to the pigsty in the morning. It took an hour or so to pack as much as possible away. We ended up only needing to leave a few things behind, which was awesome. Then we tried to take the car to she shops... but it wouldn't even turn over. Apparently it was well and truly dead. R.I.P. Thomas. So we caught the trams down to Ackland street again. I wanted to look at some of the things i'd seen yesterday because i'd really liked them, and they'd past the 24hr 'i still want that' test. Unfortunately, the prices were too high, so i went into Sportsgirl and found a knock off for a third the price. We'd caught all our trams that day without paying - until the last one, where there were condutors on the train! The man got really mad at us, going all agro, disbelieving us when we said we'd just climbed on. Another passenger stuck up for us, and he let us get our tickets. Really, his in-your-face attitude pissed me off. There was no way that he could have known that we'd not planned to pay!!

When we got back, we cooked pancakes and toast (we're so domestic) and the taxi arrived. $75 later, we were at the airport. We wrangled our four massive bags into check in, bought Hungry Jacks, read mags and nearly missed our flight. It went so quickly - mum met us at the other end.

As we drove out of the airport to drop Loz home, with our massive bags squeezed in, it really was the end of our adventure. And it most definately was an adventure! We'd travelled over 1200kms in seven days, killed darling Thomas, bought great things and flown home again. It was sad that our adventure had ended... and we were back in 46 degree weather again (it had cooled slightly in Melb)!! Still. We'd completed the Great Australian Road-Trip.

I think we have the right to call ourselves true-blue Aussies now!

Christmas Day

Christmas day was very much the usual for me. I was at church by 9am to reherse being the christmas angel (apparently it's a role i do well), and everyone greeted each other in their christmas finest. We made 'baby Jesus biscuits' and played pass-the-parcel in sunday school, which was a hoot. I was full of christmas cheer (the boys were greatly amused) and got to play with little Bobby and baby Potato-Head (his brother), so all was very well.

Family lunch went fine - no relatives killing each other, or arguing. Mum didn't explode with the effort of cooking two turkeys, roast potatoes and pumpkins and parsnips, peas, gravy, puddings... ... ... so much food. I was stoked with all of the pressies i got; pjs, jewellery, books, books, books. I got a PostSecret book that i was dying for, and a gorgeous journal from Mr.Music that reminds me of india. I was a very happy girl. After the family left, we all settled into our post-christmas-lunch haze of bumming around and eating leftovers for dinner. All was well.

It was a most excellent christmas. Yay!!

Bye-Bye Mamma, Farewell Pappa

Well, it's that time of year again. Mum and Dad are off, jetsetting across the world for a conference that Dad needs to go to. They're hitting up Russia and Italy, and going to the conference in Berlin... lucky ducks! So jealous - just makes me remember how awesome Europe was.

Now, Mum does pretty much everything around here, so she'll be missed. But Dad? We hardly see him anyway. Example? Take the last two weeks. Dad had a week long fishing trip in Darwin (got back on Friday), he was in hospital today, tomorrow he goes to Sydney (gets back Thursday night) and on Friday he and Mum leave for Russia. He's exhausted, i have no idea how he'll make it, but time will tell. Nan's moving in with us, to help ferry my brother around and keep our clothes clean... she tends to stress even more than mum and i (damned genetics, praying i'm as bad as i'm going to get), so it'll be a lonnnnnng three weeks!

Ah well, i'm hardly ever home anyway, and when i am i'm up in my room - so i can just enjoy the extra peace and quiet, stay out of everyone's way and wait until Mum gets home with lots of overseas pressies. Parent free house for three weeks, woo!

Back Into That Other World...

Tonight, for my nan's 72nd birthday, we went to the Adelaide Club. My uncle and his pregnant wife came over from the ACT (and my aunt pulled a sickie!), and we all dressed up in fancy-pants clothes. The Adelaide Club is an interesting place; from the minute you step inside, it's like a different world. There are old fashioned lights and paintings, a stuffed lions head, sweeping staircases and stuffy waiter-people.

The meal in itself is always quite an affair. First, you have a drink and a chat in the lounge. Then, it's into the dining room for the meal. What muddled me up was the cutlery; you eat the entree with the little knife and fork on the outside, but fish courses are eaten with three-pronged forks and meat with four-pronged ones... i don't really understand the distinction... and then there's cutlery for the main course, and above your placemat is the cutlery for the dessert course. You have a million glasses, and someone comes around to put your serviette on your lap!

We had three tiny proportioned, but very delicious, courses of pretentious food. Then we moved back to the lounge for coffee and chocolates. It was an affair lasting over three hours, but we managed to keep up a steady flow of conversation and i only spilled a little throughout the meal. It was all very posh (and one of the new waitresses couldn't work the silver service, which was amusing), and it's hard to remember all of the different things that i'm supposed to do!

It was nice to see the family - i love mark, he's such a cool guy. And he looks like Daniel Craig from the Bond 007 movies. And his wife is lovely (and we both love pumpkin) - i can't wait until she has her baby! Nan had a good night, and she was thrilled to see mark. I heard all about how mark used to raise pigeons; he'd sell them, but then they'd fly home! So he'd sell them again and make huge profits! Sounds like a good idea to me. Mum didn't make me wear heels and dad wasn't too sick. Overall, not a bad night! We survived each other and had a good time.

But i tell you, the Adelaide Club is a truly bizzare place... a building straight out of the last century tucked into the city. I know it's an exclusive men's club, and it's pretentious and old-fashioned, but i still enjoyed tonight.

Brotherly Ties

My brother and i just had a bonding moment. He was doing the lights and music at the junior school social, and i picked him up. We chatted on the way home about how it had gone, about music and about stuff. It was nice.

He turns 14 next week. Already, he's a lot taller than me (...scarily. I miss the height advantage in case we come to blows like we always used to!), his shoulders are broad and he dresses like a big boy. His head is too small, but i'm assuming that he's going to grow into that. I can't believe how quickly he's grown up.

I'm hoping that as we get older and less likely to annoy the hell out of each other, we'll get closer. I'm not expecting too much, seeing as we're such a non-touchy-feely family, but occassional conversation wouldn't go astray. After out bonding session tonight, i don't think it's completely out of the question.

Mommy Dearest

I got home from another draining night at church just now. I went to scrounge some leftovers for tea and spotted some leftover spaghetti. Mum, because she doesn't trust me in the kitchen, came to take over. As if i can't microwave or something. But i don't mind, because i know it's her way of showing that she cares.

When it came out of the microwave, she started slicing it into little bits, but i asked her to stop, because the fun comes in twirling it around on the fork! She ignored me and continued to cut - so, i asked her again, my voice raising a decibel or so. So she says 'for goodness sakes', and stops cutting. She then goes to tip it onto a plate - but i ask for a bowl. Which seems sensible, considering my tendancy to spill and her hatred of spillage. But no, apparently this is an unreasonable request, because mum starts whinging about the long day she's had.

I tell her that yes, i know she's had a long day, but she volunteered to make my dinner when i was eprfectly capable to do it myself. Insert her *hmph* of annoyed exhalation (translation: 'whatever, you're completely incapable'). Of course, my hackles go straight up. 'Get over yourself, you didn't have to do it!'. She then continues to rant about her hard day - here, she is about to tell me to fuck off (which is a huge deal in our house), but covers it up with some other bluster. 'Geez, and you wonder where i get my bitchy streak'. She goes on to say that i'm a horrid child - but only after stopping herself from calling me a bitch. 'See, that's exactly what i mean about the origin of my bitchy streak'.

After that, i grabbed my spag bol and stormed out. I know that i have a virulent temper, which can easily be set off, especially now when i'm so on edge. Mum's the same, but her fuse is even longer. Tonight, obviously, we were at the ends of our rope. Now, we're not speaking. She'll probably be over it in the morning, and i'll be over it by tomorrow afternoon. Still, it's mightily frustrating.

I didn't even do anything this time! Often, i'll admit, i can be annoying. But this time, i made perfectly reasonably requests not to cut up my tea and to put it in a bowl so i don't spill! She had no reason to get her hackles up! Of course, when she did, i responded in kind.

Let's just add this to the ever-growing list of reasons to distress me today. Joy. a

Poor Paddy

My dear kitty, the big ball of fluff who can tell when i'm sad and curls up next to my head on the bed, who likes me best, who chases his tail in circles and makes quacking noises, who used to cling to my arm with his claws and wouldn't let go, who scares my friends, who left me with scarred arms for a good two years... he went to the vet today. Poor Paddy has Feline AIDS. Apparently it won't kill him (i'm not totally sure about that, doctors say that diseases won't kill people but they still do), it'll just make him sick and lower his immune system. We're not supposed to let him outside anymore - but there'd be no real way that we could keep him inside, he's never been a truly tamed cat. I feel so sorry for him, it must be hard to be a cat and not be able to tell people what's the matter... I swear, there must be something about our family - EVERYONE gets sick. Even the cats.

It's The Little Things That Count

Yesterday was Mother's Day and today was Mum's birthday. I gave her an adorable book on being grateful for mothers; funny photos of animals, with captions underneath that tell a story. It's by the same dude that wrote The Blue Day Book. Today i bought her hot pink tulips, because that's her favourite colour and she always loves to have flowers in the house. My brother washed the dishes yesterday (a big deal for him) and made her a mixed cd today.

Then, tonight, we were meant to be going out for thai - mum's favourite meal. But, dad was really sick, crying out in pain because his head hurt so much. This always freaks everyone out, because of his brain surgery last year. So, dinner was called off. When i went to get my brother from sport and was on orders to get dinner on the way home, we stopped and got her a cake, as a suprise. Poor mum, something always goes wrong on her birthday. We wanted to do something to make it nice.

Mum was absolutely stoked; she kept saying how it was the nicest two days she'd ever had. Apparently, it made her think that we weren't terrible children after all and she hadn't failed us. It was nice to know. Granted, neither my brother nor i gave big hugs and kisses, but that's just not who we are. I think she still appreciated everything though. I'm glad her special days weren't a total bust.

Heads Or Tails

The way i see it, most people have complicated relationships with their mothers. From the inside, they always seem complicated, even if they don't look that way to an outsider.

People often think that there could be nothing better than having a mother like mine. She cooks, she cleans, she buys me clothes, she lets me do whatever i like, she lets me have parties, lets me have boys stay over, cleans up after me, washes my clothes... i'll admit, that when you look at it this way, she does seem fairly fantastic.

I don't deny that she does any of these things. But that doesn't mean that our relationship is all sunshine and daisies. She cleans - but obsessively. My room is fairly spotless, yet my mother considers a pair of jeans hanging over the end of the bed to be incredibly messy. I can't leave anything out without being accused of being a slob. I can do whatever i like when it comes to staying out late, partying, having everyman and his dog over to stay the night - but when it comes to spending most of Easter weekend at CHURCH, which is the WHOLE POINT of Easter, she tries to stop me. She has a host of ridiculous rules that i just can't set aside; only one glass of juice in a day, no pies, no photos on the wall (i broke that one)... we drive each other crazy; we're too similar and too different at the same time.

I don't want to turn into my mother. I know that i probably will. That fact fills me with dread. Sometimes i wish that i could actually talk to my mother, to exchange more than pleasantries with her on a daily basis. She tries to figure out what i think - she has no idea. The other day she asked if she could officially call a guy friend of mine a 'boyfriend', and she'd have no idea why i snapped her head off with an answer in the negative. And her simply asking pissed me off. I don't even know why - i get mad because she doesn't know me, and i feel bad for her because i won't, can't, give her a chance.

Mothers are confusing and hard. I can't believe i want to be one when i grow up. And i also hope that when i grow up, i'll have a real relationship with my mother. But, for now, we'll have to live with this steady truce that we've got going.

Family

We're doing a series on 'Community' at church this month. We also spoke about it at bible study the other day. When we were asked what community was, i knew exactly what it was to me - family. A group of people who love each other unconditionally, can fight like crazy and be fine the very next day, who laugh and cry together and can spend hours on end together without getting bored. A community should be a group of people who mesh together, despite different interestes and personalities, because they have a common goal - like growing closer to God or helping the community become a better place. You should be totally comfortable there, to be yourself, to be happy or angry or totally nuts - whatever, because a community should accept you exactly as you are and use the way that you are toward the greater purpose.

We had a great sermon tonight from Mr.Music (who, by the way, did a great job) - he said that statistics show that people have far less close friends that they used to, far less communal support. The idea that people watch shows like Friends, or Gilmore Girls, or Ally McBeal because they like the sense of community that it illustrates. People fill a hole in their lives with the lives of fictional characters whom they envy. Shows like these have groups of people with amazing support networks, close companionship, lives together - deep down, this is what people want from life, but are no longer getting.

I suppose that i belong to two different communities; my church and my friends. My church community does a reasonably job of fitting those parameters i mentioned earlier, or at least tries to, we make a concerted effort to strive for something similar to that. Everytime we're together, we know that a community is what we want and we really try to make it work.

It's a little different with my friends; we've got a different focus. We don't have a common goal, like growing towards anything. There's no specific reason to spend time with each other, other than for a sense of enjoyment. When that goes AWOL, even temporarily, we have to work quickly to fix it before time passes and we don't have a strong enough tie to stay together anymore. We have to WANT to be together, to be each other's family. Without that, we become part of those statistics, with an ever decreasing number of people in our emotional family. The feeling of losing that community is one of the worst feeling ever, but it can be fixed, if people want to fix it.

There's nothing i want more in life than to belong to communities that meet the my definition of community. I envy the relationships that people have in shows like Sex and the City, Melrose Place or One Tree Hill. It's difficult to find that, to achieve that. I'm not big on the family-community, so it's the friends and church communities that i need to keep me sane.

Community is complicated. But i'm glad that God decided that it was so important, because that means we can work on it and be achieving his plans at the same time; being part of a strong community will help keep us all happy.

Blood Ties

The funeral was beautiful. Very simple, it was just at the funeral home, which was gorgeous. Gran's two sons (my dad and uncle) gave short speeches. Philips was all about Gran growing up - there was so much i never knew; i didn't know that the family crest was the willow tree and that it could be traced back to the 1000's, i didn't know that only Philip remembered things from when they used to live in Bordertown, i didn't know that Gran kept fresh flowers by Penny's (my aunt) picture all throughout her cancer and until she died a few years ago. Dad talked too. About the memories that he'd had of Gran as a child, some funny anecdote's about Penny's husband Ian getting drunk at their engagement party, about their crazy white cat named 'puss', about their schooling. About how Kirsty inherited her dad's inability to spell, that didn't come from Gran. I was so proud of dad - he made it all the way to the end of his speech before he broke down in tears. It was heart wrenching, seeing him so sad.

It wasn't so much what was being said at the funeral that made it emotional, so much as the level of emotion and sorrow that was clearly visible on the faces of those around us. My cousin, Kirsty, cried as she spoke. Cousin David was emotional and my sister, Catherine, cried throughout. I did my reading, a poem, and looked out upon many a teary eye. Even my nan on my mother's side was sad.

We had a minute's silence for Gran. It was then that i wracked my brains to remember her as far back as i could. My brother and i are the youngest of the grandchildren by 15 years or so - all her children are older and it's only because mum is dad's second wife that we're so young. All the older cousins and my older brother and sister have many more memories of Gran as a friend and being much more involved. These older set are also much closer to each other, which is something that i envy somewhat. But, stretching my memory back, i remembered snatched of the past.

I remember how exciting it was to trek down to the basement of their old house. I remember that there were fruit trees in the back yard of some kind. I remember a winding garden path. I remember the big frigde that is now in our back shed. Later, i remember picking lemons from the backyard of their new house. I remember having raced in the washing basket, hurtling along on the little trolley until Grandpa caught us. I remember that Gran used to let me pick out a pretty ribbon everytime that i visited, from the ribbon drawer. I remember walks in the park near her. I remember Grandpa getting sicker and sicker and dying. I remember family visits and lots and lots of lunches at Yum Cha restaurants. I remember never knowing why my grandpa's name was kenneth david krantz, but that everyone called him peter.

In a family that is usually so stoic when it comes to emotion, it was hard seeing everyone so upset. When the family came back to our house after the service and the wake, everyone relished being together. We read the will and the girls got the jewellery that was left to them, then got to pick some of the other pieces that they liked. I was left two beautiful sapphire rings and picked some others that i'll no doubt wear often. The older girls were left her two ensigna rings and felt a great connectedness, both to each other and to Gran.

It was a good day, considering. The family all got on, there were no fights or tension between the people that usually argue. Even i began to feel comfortable with Kirsty and Catherine. It was good. I think Gran would have liked the way that everyone said goodbye. Death is a natural part of life and the sorrow that it causes is never fully erased. But, hopefully, farewells like today's can lessen the pain a little and make things a little more bearable. At least, i hope that's the case, for dad's sake.

One more family dinner in a little while, and then everyone will scatter back to their respective corners of australia; queensland, sydney, melbourne, adelaide... in a way, it was a blessing to be brought together and i think we all recognised that.

Annie