Swinging

Emotional Overhaul

This afternoon i hauled my punctured tyre into my boot (with minimal dirt on my hands). I hauled my tired self down to the atm to find that it was out of order. An hour or so later i put my emotions through an overhaul as well. An all around workout.

I wonder just how unusual it is to spend so much time swinging from one emotion to the other. It's exhausting, but i suppose that it keeps me on my toes! Let's see what i covered today...

We had some mental exhaustion, as i sat in the library at church and tried to write my oral advocacy plan. It's about false imprisonment and i really just don't know how to do it - as well as the fact that i'm absolutely terrified about actually standing up in front of a bunch of smart, snobby, pretentious teens and adults who are completly judgemental and not knowing whether i'm doing the right thing...

Then we had awkwardness, as i went into church and found a group of lovely younger people, all very nice, but all pretty much strangers. I just sat quietly, feeling that grip of panic tightening in my chest, until i could find some escape route.

Next, i ran into Frau.C and darling little Bobby. That always puts me in a great mood, especially as he calls me 'an-bell' now! We did some whizzies and then had rehersal. I love singing with Dr.B, it always is heaps of fun. Seeing as i had little Bobby on one hip, 'helping' me hold my mike for some of the time, it was better. I helped him play on the drums and helped SaviourDave learn one of the newer songs. A cheery mood - singing always makes me feel better.

I was apprehensive throughout the service; i've got another cold and was worrying about my voice giving out. Plus, Dr. Phil gave a sermon on how being a christian means that we mustn't knowlingly continue to sin, because God won't ever truly forgive us. Scary stuff...

Next was a period of minor stress - i had to take orders and serve people, all the while having a speedy conversation with MarriedMan about a mutual friend we're worried about, a conversation with English where he told me that my offer to take him out for coffee/ice-cream for his birthday wasn't good enough (i should spend more apparently) and a conversation with LittleM about his success in his love life (which he compared to my failiures) :P

I was happy next. I laughed along with the boys as they listed their nicknames for me; we covered 'krantzky', 'crank-sky', 'anna-smell', 'banana-bell', 'krantzky-kumar'... they were quite proud of their 'wit'... We were in hysterics and English, myself and a few of the others had an argument/discussion about white and brown noise and whether or not the movie White Noise was actually about white noise. We covered the respective shortcomings of my driving and someone elses - and i defended myself, saying that i'd only driven onto the wrong side of the road for that teensy part of a moment because he'd been going through my wallet, found my ID and said i looked like a boy. Distraction!

Then i covered a whole bunch of things in a very tiny point of time - i was pleased at the prospect of going out for coffee at the church, disapointed when those plans fell through, worried about church camp next weekend, bullied into going along with the others even though i can see it being a mistake, then miserable and teary as i left in the darkness to my car, where i headed home to sit alone in the hovel and ponder life.

Now i'm thirsty. Which isn't really an emotion, but seems somewhat relevant because my two glasses of milk haven't stopped the thirst. And slightly worried about the two assignments that i have due this week and haven't properly started.

It's tiring, feeling so much in such a short space of time. Maybe everyone changes moods so fast? Or maybe people just don't feel things the same way? I mean, when i feel something, i feel it in my entirely. When i'm stressed, i feel breathless. When i'm nervous, insecure, awkward, i feel like something is constricting around my heart. When i'm happy, i'm humming/singing/laughing and can literally feel happiness buzzing through my veins. When i'm sad, it's all consuming and i can do nothing but be swept away by a current of misery that wells up inside me and finds an outlet in my tear ducts. I don't do emotion by half.

But maybe it's just a phase and i'll go back to a state of reduced emotion sooner or later? Hopefully before next weekend.

Annabel