March Of The Angels

Work In Progress

I just spend two and a half hours reading twenty pages. I know for a fact that i can work so much faster than that, but it's like i'm going in slow motion. Everything takes so long to get done! I know i've got at least another sixty pages that i was supposed to read tonight to get back on track with my readings, and that's not even counting anything that i should do to prepare for tomorrow... i'm beginning to get slightly stressed about exams now... which is, of course, why i'm blogging.

Last night at church was an army themed night - despite my reservations about having a theme night, when it was all tied back to 'sacrifice', i conceeded that it worked. I even lived with dressing up. Unfortunately, the fact that my parents are back on their 'annabel shouldn't spend so much time at church' kick put a dampner on things; it's hard to spend time in the place you love when the people who are in the place you live don't want you to. Definately makes it harder to keep the peace. Definately makes it harder to keep up the smiles. Definately makes it harder to keep pushing on.

The boys from church have formed a band (jealous!). At last count, i think they were calling it Work In Progress. It grows on you. However, i think it works. If you think about it, life is a work in progress. You're constantly striving to make it better, never happy with what you have. I was re-watching One Tree Hill again - the one with the shooting. The boy with the gun is crying, saying that it just hurts so much to be on the outside. The man who is trying to talk him down is crying too, saying that the hurt gets better. Then the boy shoots himself. Awful. But what the man was saying made sense; maybe it hurts like hell, but surely it must get better. Ok, so it's hard to keep belief in the idea that things will get better, when there's nothing to indicate that it will. But if people can manage to keep that belief, then maybe it will work and things will get better? I wish there were people who could talk down anyone who so much as thinks about ending things.

I seem to have God-talks with one of my guy-friends lots recently. He thinks that God being with him all the time is the only thing that pulls him through, that he's only as content as he is because he can take comfort in the fact that he's not alone. While i wish i could think like that, i can't, at least not yet. I crave the comfort of real people, people you can feel and see and talk to. When i get rescued, and i'm sure i will eventually, then i want it to be by someone i can see! Not someone that i have to work to feel. Maybe one day i'll feel differently though, and i hope so. I admire the strength other people can have in their beliefs.

I don't like that i can't just breeze through life, catching the down drafts and currents that let me glide along happily and smoothly. Instead, i have to beat my wings, just to stay above the crests of the waves. Maybe one day i'll learn how to navigate the currents.

Annie