This week i've been busting my ass at kids Club. This term, it's just been one stress after another. If it isn't our excursions being double booked, it's a lack of children meaning that our budget will result in a deficit of thousands. If it's not other leaders being cross with me, it's leaders telling me how to do my job - or worse, leaders deciding that they know better than me, and overruling any decision that i make.

I know how to do my job. I know that i am. We've increased numbers from 30 a week to 90, as of last holidays. This holidays we have 40 per day, which is as many as we can handle. We were worried about numbers but have had over a dozen registrations this week alone. We've had three good days so far, doing all sorts of new activities. When you're working with kids, nothing ever goes 100% according to plan, and i don't expect it too - but things have gone fairly smoothly and i'm pleased with how much the kids have enjoyed our new activities, like horse-riding yesterday and a visit to the conservatory today, and tie-dying on monday. People criticise every single activity, and every single plan. I can deal with that, because i know i always take it too personally. 

I spend all day making sure that 40 children and 15 adults/teenagers are in the places that they are supposed to be. Everyone else worries about the one or two jobs assigned to them. I'm fairly sure that the new helper thinks i'm a bitch, because i have to use my angry voice sometimes with leaders to get them off their asses. I know, i know, they're volunteers and whatever. But they're there to help! Not play playstation. But people don't remember nice things, only the times when i put on my angry eyes. The kids are much less judgmental; they know when i use my angry eyes i mean business, but they also know that the rest of the time i am good fun and will let them have a pretty free reign. It's no wonder that i love those little kids. 

It's hard working in a team like this one. We all have very strong beliefs about what it takes to do this job. As people, these people are lovely. As co-workers, all we ever do is argue and battle. Just like tonight. But it's MY job to run kids club. Their input is to the worship and teaching time. When it comes to making other decisions, that is what i am paid to do. I hate that people don't let me do my job. Endless arguments are immeasurably draining. Being ignored by people who think they know better but are undoubtedly wrong drives me crazy. Being snapped at for putting and end to the endless discussion is frustrating. Being faced with crying people when they don't get their way is annoying. Implying that i help create an unpleasant working environment is downright infuriating.

I like my job when i am left to it. I like talking to the parents, i am proud of what i have achieved. Parents are happy, kids are happy. Leaders, however, are never happy. Team members are never satisfied that i know what i am doing, that i have been in this area for half a dozen years and often know what works, and what's good and what's best. I need to be trusted to do my job. I need not to be questioned on everything. I need not to feel threatened by secret meetings. I NEED these things to work in this job. I don't need autonomy, i need trust and the authority to do my job without a battle at every turn. 

I could quit. But i know that will snowball into a disaster and i don't want to be at a church where i've been forced out of a job i was good at. I'm hating this so much. I'll give it until the end of the year, and if things don't improve then i'm leaving. Don't know what i'd do without this job..