Heads or Tails

I'm the queen of avoiding things. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, it's a regular feature in my life.

More or less, i generally have no idea what i'm thinking. I don't know what i think about anything. And if something makes me happy, i can't separate the feeling of euphoria that comes from finally feeling like things aren't going to keep sucking, from the feeling that everything is probably going to end up crashing down around me. So i avoid thinking about the consequences. I'll let myself be happy for a few hours, and try not to think about what will happen afterwards.

But on the other hand, i can't stop thinking about it. I'm not sitting here thinking 'oh, should i do the thing that makes me happy? Or not?'. I'm well and truly avoiding that one. But i'm constantly thinking about it... it's driving me nuts. I don't know where i stand. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what i'm doing. And i can't shut the part of my brain that's thinking about this down.

It's not avoidance. And i haven't accepted things the way that they are. It's more like a case of absolute, blind panic about the fact that i have no idea what's going on. But at the same time, there's no way i'm giving it up without a fight. Worth the whirlwind of thoughts that are driving me nuts for the happiness that comes at the end.

Currently, it's crazy enough that i want to sleep ALL the time, because you can't think if you're sleeping. I even came close to enjoying the gym, because i was thinking 'I want to stop' instead of thinking about everything else.

Good to know that my crazy isn't going to diminish as i hit my twenties.

I think the thing to focus on is that before i was bland and occasionally miserable. Now, i'm bland, occasionally miserable and occasionally very happy. Happiness is worth the crazy.

And just in case you weren't already convinced, i'm sure this post did nothing to convince you of my sanity.