Thanks For The Memories?

It's no secret to me that it still hurts. Apparently it's fairly obvious to others that i'm angry. But people don't see me when i'm crying in the car, or curled into a ball in the floor, trying to be as small as possible so that I can disappear… people that don’t see all of this probably overlook the fact that it's still cripplingly painful.

Really, it's much better than it was. It is. It's just the memories that get me. I'm not happy with how things stand now, but there's not much i can do about that. I can adjust to it, because i have no power to change it. The thing that gets me is the memories. Remembering things that put a smile on my face, things that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and things that made me like who i am.

You'd think that they were pretty good things to remember. And they are. So the actual problem lies in the fact that these things will never happen again. It lies in the fact that i can't be sure that they weren't all lies the first time. Or in the fact that i can't believe the good things, because i don't trust myself - but now i can't trust the person who said them to me. Mainly, it lies in the fact that i was so happy then and it all crumbled (twice), so how on earth can i believe that it will happen again? So, i break down when i realise, repeatedly, that i can be standing a metre away from the reason i was happy, but in reality i'm a hundred miles away from it and i'll never get it back.

Want to know what i'm remembering?

- that you told me i was beautiful
- when you'd sweep my hair away from my face before you kissed me
- when you told me i made you nervous (in a good way)
- when you kissed me at every red stop light on our way home from the beach
- the smell of you
- when you said that when you smiled at me, it was with the special kind of smile that made us both a little giddy
- when you tickled me into fits and we lay on your bed talking about your friends back home
- the way you liked me, and my body, just as i am
- when you'd call and ask me to come over to hang out, and all those times i drove you around
- when we looked so comfortable and happy together that everyone assumed we were dating
- when you came over to see if i was ok, and you wrapped your arms around me when i cried, and you said that there was no way that i'd never be wanted, that it’d be ok
- when you came over to abuse my pool and we would wrestle over the ball
- when we'd spend hours talking about anything and everything on msn
- the way i could tell you anything and you didn't think i was crazy
- when we'd go out dancing and you'd tell me how good i looked
- the way i was comfortable around you when i spent so much time being afraid of everyone else
- when we lay on my bed watching Pearl Harbour
- when you promised you'd always be there for me, no matter what
- how pleased i was when you said that you'd never be able to replace me
- the night of my nineteenth birthday, when we were both happy, and you said you liked me for me

There were so many good things. But i don't wear my rose coloured glasses all the time. There were as many bad things as there were good...

- when you told me i had nothing to worry about when it came to her (lie)
- finding out whenever you lied about being with her
- having you hit on me while you were with her
- when you told me you wanted me... but you didn't want to date me
- listening to my friends tell me i could do better (when they didn't offer any proof)
- the fact that we always had to be a secret
- watching you hit on my friends - and when you dated my friends
- when you decided the best way to handle things would be to cut me out entirely
- listening to my friends tell me what an idiot i am
- when you refused to talk about things
- i hate that you know all of my secrets
- the smell of you
- how i'm so insecure now; i don't trust anything
- when you promised you'd always be there for me (lie)
- waiting, while you went away for 6 weeks and didn't speak to me
- when you used me, repeatedly
- i hate all of the music that you gave to me, even though i still love it
- when you forgot my birthday, even though i saw you twice and spoke to you all that day
- believing you when you convinced me to trust you, heard my secrets... then disappeared from my life
- when we last properly spoke, you convinced me that everything would be ok, and now i have no reason to believe you
- watching you with her, as you both pretend that everything is fine (lie)
- pretending it doesn’t hurt that two of my close friends screwed me over… multiple times…
- losing you as a friend...

When i list things like that, i can see that the bad stuff was pretty bad. It's just so much easier to remember the good and wish that i could have that again. There are so many things that spark off my memories, and that's where i go wrong. Plus, there's the fact that i don't want to forget all of the good stuff. That was the first time those nice things had happened to me, and (being the pessimist that i am), i can't help but think that it'll be the last - at least for a long while. More than anything, i can't stand it when i lose friends. I've lost enough to know how much it sucks and how long i take to get over it. I know, i know - i'm young, i should bounce back quickly. But i've never been much of a bouncer!!

I guess i just have to be patient and wait. It'll go away eventually. But the people who wish i could just get over it have to understand why i don't; i just don't want to be without that happy feeling, and it's hard being so close to it all of the time. I wish i could just forget it all...