I thought tonight might be easy. I was looking forward to it, even though my stomach was flipping a little bit. Naturally, of course, it wasn't that easy. Granted, it wasn't disastrous in any way. But the flippy feeling never left. And nothing can be classified 'easy' while the flippy feeling is present. That is the rule.
I struggled to maintain composure during the singing. I failed to maintain composure during communion prayers. I held composure through supper, though my stomach was flipping overtime and i was miserable that everything didn't go as smoothly as possible. I really was hoping that, somehow, everything would just be normal again, like it used to be. Wishful thinking.
I really need to cure myself of that annoying habit to believe that somehow things will turn out in the way that i wish they would. Don't get me wrong, my wishes aren't unrealistic... they just never actually come about.
But that's besides the point. Basically, i feel like a hollow shell tonight, because that piece of me that has been missing for a long while now is still gone. And i'm disapointed, because i thought that i might be able to get some of it back tonight.
Still. I cry maybe one in three days now, instead of thrice in the one day. So i've made some progress. Hopefully, progress will continue until i'm whole again and ready to be crushed from point zero again. Now, THAT is wishful thinking...
I struggled to maintain composure during the singing. I failed to maintain composure during communion prayers. I held composure through supper, though my stomach was flipping overtime and i was miserable that everything didn't go as smoothly as possible. I really was hoping that, somehow, everything would just be normal again, like it used to be. Wishful thinking.
I really need to cure myself of that annoying habit to believe that somehow things will turn out in the way that i wish they would. Don't get me wrong, my wishes aren't unrealistic... they just never actually come about.
But that's besides the point. Basically, i feel like a hollow shell tonight, because that piece of me that has been missing for a long while now is still gone. And i'm disapointed, because i thought that i might be able to get some of it back tonight.
Still. I cry maybe one in three days now, instead of thrice in the one day. So i've made some progress. Hopefully, progress will continue until i'm whole again and ready to be crushed from point zero again. Now, THAT is wishful thinking...
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