For a few days now i've thought that i've had a choice to make. I put if off because i just wasn't sure which was the best course of action. Today, however, i'm wondering if i ever really had a choice.
The way i saw it, i was sitting at a halfway point, between two polar opposite worlds. I was feeling a tug from both sides and i didn't know which way to go. Both sides have their advantages, and i know which one i would prefer, without a doubt. But the question that i really have to consider is whether or not the world that i would prefer is the world that's best for me.
One world is a world in which a take two steps backwards. I push everything that bubbles inside me down and lock it away, i shut it out, i don't talk about it and it will be forgotten. Or at least i'll be able to pretend it is forgotten. I'll stop trying to fix everything. And i'll be able to smile and laugh and tease and be happy again, and everyone will love me for being cheery again.
The other world is much darker. It's broken and full of sharp edges and hurt, a barren landscape and i'm the only person that i can see for miles around. I'm the only person i can rely on, the only person i trust, the only person who really gives a damn about myself - and even then, it's dicey. In this world, i'm fairly miserable, but at least i'm not repressing. And at least, in this world, if i think things are getting better, i'm not lying to myself.
I know which world i'd prefer. But that world really isn't healthy. Even if it's outwardly better, and even if it's what everyone around me would prefer. I think that world might be easier. But i also think that if i let myself go into that world that i'll have a mental breakdown at twenty-two and have to spend hundreds and thousands of dollars on therapy. But the alternative is a hard place to be and i don't really want to be there.
Like i said, i'm not sure if i have a choice. I thought i did, because i repressed pretty well over the weeknd and everyone appreciated happy-annabel making an appearance. I wanted to stay there. But tonight, when everything crashed down again and i'm sitting here, tears and mascara streaming down my cheeks in misery, i'm starting to think that i don't really have a choice in the matter. I don't think i can decide which world i'm going to have to live in. I don't think that i can escape that dark world yet, and i definately am not strong enough to do it on my own, so i'm stuck there.
I don't like this. But i don't know how else to do things. I can't do it on my own, but i've got nobody else to do it for me. I can't make the choice, but i feel like i can't just sit back as everything falls apart. It's messy and horrible and makes me sound dreadfully emo. I hate it. But this is my life and i'm stuck here indefinately, unable to make a choice, unable to change things.
two roads diverged in a wood,
and i, i took the one less travelled by
and that has made all the difference
and i, i took the one less travelled by
and that has made all the difference
The way i saw it, i was sitting at a halfway point, between two polar opposite worlds. I was feeling a tug from both sides and i didn't know which way to go. Both sides have their advantages, and i know which one i would prefer, without a doubt. But the question that i really have to consider is whether or not the world that i would prefer is the world that's best for me.
One world is a world in which a take two steps backwards. I push everything that bubbles inside me down and lock it away, i shut it out, i don't talk about it and it will be forgotten. Or at least i'll be able to pretend it is forgotten. I'll stop trying to fix everything. And i'll be able to smile and laugh and tease and be happy again, and everyone will love me for being cheery again.
The other world is much darker. It's broken and full of sharp edges and hurt, a barren landscape and i'm the only person that i can see for miles around. I'm the only person i can rely on, the only person i trust, the only person who really gives a damn about myself - and even then, it's dicey. In this world, i'm fairly miserable, but at least i'm not repressing. And at least, in this world, if i think things are getting better, i'm not lying to myself.
I know which world i'd prefer. But that world really isn't healthy. Even if it's outwardly better, and even if it's what everyone around me would prefer. I think that world might be easier. But i also think that if i let myself go into that world that i'll have a mental breakdown at twenty-two and have to spend hundreds and thousands of dollars on therapy. But the alternative is a hard place to be and i don't really want to be there.
Like i said, i'm not sure if i have a choice. I thought i did, because i repressed pretty well over the weeknd and everyone appreciated happy-annabel making an appearance. I wanted to stay there. But tonight, when everything crashed down again and i'm sitting here, tears and mascara streaming down my cheeks in misery, i'm starting to think that i don't really have a choice in the matter. I don't think i can decide which world i'm going to have to live in. I don't think that i can escape that dark world yet, and i definately am not strong enough to do it on my own, so i'm stuck there.
I don't like this. But i don't know how else to do things. I can't do it on my own, but i've got nobody else to do it for me. I can't make the choice, but i feel like i can't just sit back as everything falls apart. It's messy and horrible and makes me sound dreadfully emo. I hate it. But this is my life and i'm stuck here indefinately, unable to make a choice, unable to change things.
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