Bible study tonight was about failiure. What it is to fail, our failiures, how we deal with them... nobody can ever say that we avoid the deep and meaningfuls in our bible study.
I think failiure is everywhere. It's there everytime we fall short of meeting someone's expectations, or our own. It's there everytime we make a mistake. It's there everytime we set our standards too high and can't meet them. We talked about whether we could fail God. Some of us argued that we could never disapoint him - because he never expects us to live up to his standards. If he has no expectations of us, there's no way that we can fail. Others argued that we fail to live up to his ideal. He has an ideal vision, something that he wants for is, that we can never reach. And everytime that we make a mistake, we fail to meet his ideals, we're failing his ideal. Which, really, is failing him.
Dr.B asked us to share a failiure. Not surprisingly, none of us really wanted to share. In the end, most of us gave silly examples, because we didn't want to admit aloud that we failed. I talked about failing at StateSwim; how i can't take four children in my arms at once and guide them down the pool, while still teaching them something. I blamed my supervisors for my failiure. It's a stupid rule.
The thing is, while i said aloud that this wasn't a failiure because it was a stupid rule, i don't really believe it. I mean, it IS a stupid rule. But i still failed. Sure, i make light of it, but i failed and if i think about it my insides curl up because i know that i wasn't good enough to do the job.
We joked around, saying that we never really failed, that it was just other people's opinions and standards that we failed to meet. I don't know about the others, but i was lying. I know i fail, and i know i fail a lot. In most things. At least, i think i fail at most things, whether i really did or not. I failed to manage the finances properly last kids club, i failed to keep my distance from the kids on camp, i failed to keep my secrets from him, i failed myself when i tried to keep my heart safe, i failed to do my best in year 12, i failed to try hard enough at uni, i failed to keep my friends close, i failed to be close to my parents, i failed to keep my jumper clean, i failed to live up to any of God's ideals, i failed to not fall down today, i failed, i failed, i failed, i failed...
I can find the silver lining for other people, but not for me. When it comes to me, i just see the failiure. I feel the clench of it in my gut, i feel it's stain on me. I ignore it as best i can, but it's still there. And when we talk about failiure, and how God forgives us, that's all well and good. But it's us, we have to forgive ourselves, so that we can live without that twist in our stomach.
I don't know what society would consider a failiure. Probably not much - we're a society of slackers, of deviants, of pranksters, of drinkers. Then i think about what my church would consider a failiure - and i tick lots of those boxes; drinking, riding in cars with boys, being spiteful and jealous and resentful... And i know when i fail my own, impossibly high standards.
I think maybe i'll have to work on lowering my standards. Removing my standards. And working from the ground up. If there's nothing i can fail, then there's nothing that will hurt me, and i'll be ok for awhile, in that department at least.
Failiure is a hard thing to think about, we like to shut it out and pretend that we're ok. Sometimes i hate bible study, when it makes us think about these things that hurt us. But i suppose we'll be better off in the long run.
I think failiure is everywhere. It's there everytime we fall short of meeting someone's expectations, or our own. It's there everytime we make a mistake. It's there everytime we set our standards too high and can't meet them. We talked about whether we could fail God. Some of us argued that we could never disapoint him - because he never expects us to live up to his standards. If he has no expectations of us, there's no way that we can fail. Others argued that we fail to live up to his ideal. He has an ideal vision, something that he wants for is, that we can never reach. And everytime that we make a mistake, we fail to meet his ideals, we're failing his ideal. Which, really, is failing him.
Dr.B asked us to share a failiure. Not surprisingly, none of us really wanted to share. In the end, most of us gave silly examples, because we didn't want to admit aloud that we failed. I talked about failing at StateSwim; how i can't take four children in my arms at once and guide them down the pool, while still teaching them something. I blamed my supervisors for my failiure. It's a stupid rule.
The thing is, while i said aloud that this wasn't a failiure because it was a stupid rule, i don't really believe it. I mean, it IS a stupid rule. But i still failed. Sure, i make light of it, but i failed and if i think about it my insides curl up because i know that i wasn't good enough to do the job.
We joked around, saying that we never really failed, that it was just other people's opinions and standards that we failed to meet. I don't know about the others, but i was lying. I know i fail, and i know i fail a lot. In most things. At least, i think i fail at most things, whether i really did or not. I failed to manage the finances properly last kids club, i failed to keep my distance from the kids on camp, i failed to keep my secrets from him, i failed myself when i tried to keep my heart safe, i failed to do my best in year 12, i failed to try hard enough at uni, i failed to keep my friends close, i failed to be close to my parents, i failed to keep my jumper clean, i failed to live up to any of God's ideals, i failed to not fall down today, i failed, i failed, i failed, i failed...
I can find the silver lining for other people, but not for me. When it comes to me, i just see the failiure. I feel the clench of it in my gut, i feel it's stain on me. I ignore it as best i can, but it's still there. And when we talk about failiure, and how God forgives us, that's all well and good. But it's us, we have to forgive ourselves, so that we can live without that twist in our stomach.
I don't know what society would consider a failiure. Probably not much - we're a society of slackers, of deviants, of pranksters, of drinkers. Then i think about what my church would consider a failiure - and i tick lots of those boxes; drinking, riding in cars with boys, being spiteful and jealous and resentful... And i know when i fail my own, impossibly high standards.
I think maybe i'll have to work on lowering my standards. Removing my standards. And working from the ground up. If there's nothing i can fail, then there's nothing that will hurt me, and i'll be ok for awhile, in that department at least.
Failiure is a hard thing to think about, we like to shut it out and pretend that we're ok. Sometimes i hate bible study, when it makes us think about these things that hurt us. But i suppose we'll be better off in the long run.
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