Thursday, May 22, 2008

Enough Now

People tell me to 'cheer the hell up', that i'm being self-centred. Screw them.

I've spent years being cheerful, despite all the crap, despite all the badness. I've got a huge, goofy grin. I love to laugh, and when i do it's always loud and infectious. I get the hiccoughs when i laugh, and that makes me (and everyone around me) laugh even more. I do silly things. If i'm really comfortable with someone, i have silly voices, silly actions, silly sounds, silly silly silly things that i do, and everyone cracks up. Admittedly, i can be a bit of a clown. I skip when i'm happy, i jump when i'm bored, i wriggle my feet constantly, just because. I used to do all of these things, no matter how bad i felt on the inside, because it was easier to pretend and people liked it much better when i was fun and uncomplicated. Plus, it was much easier to cheer people up and be a good friend when i was cheery and smiley and joyous.

I can't do that anymore. I'm not being self-pitying (no matter how much is may sound like i am). I just don't have the energy to lie about my insides all the time. It's tiring, and i'm already tired enough. So, i can't cheer the hell up - or even pretend to, like i used to - because i just don't have the gumption. I'll smile when i want to and if you want that to be more often, you'll just have to work harder for it. But, on the whole, pretending that my dad's ok, my mum's ok, my heart's ok, my friends are ok, my sleep levels are ok... too hard. So, i'm going to go with the flow. Smile when i want to smile, cry when i want to cry - and everyone else is just going to have to deal with that!

And that decision has put a smile on my face.

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