Change

I'm not a big one for change. I've never liked it. Granted, i can cope with it, i generally adjust reasonably speedily once the change has been made. It's just that moment beforehand that i don't like; the moment where everything is uncertain and you're just not sure if it's all going to work out ok. So i try to avoid change at all cost.

At the end of last year, i needed a change. For me to voluntarily seek change is a big deal. But the way that things were here were just getting me down and i had to get out. So i took off overseas for two months, on my own. Not only do i not like doing things on my own (again, i can, but i prefer company), but i was only eighteen so it was a pretty big step. However, it turned out fine. Obviously. You've already heard my rants about how fantastic it was. When i was away, i changed. I was someone different and i loved it. I was confident (well, much more than i usually am) and happy. I made some fantastic friends, real friends, and we knew everything about what each other was thinking, which was fun. It was good to be able to just come home, run next door to a friends room - because they'd definately be there, they had nowhere else to be - and spill. All of my issues were left on the other side of the world and i couldn't have been more thrilled.

When i got home, i was that person for a little while. I liked being someone different, it was fun. But eventually, all of my issues caught up with me and i slowly returned to being pretty much the same person, emotionally at least, that i was before i went away. I'm more self-sufficient, i'm more worldly, i'm different. But the simple confidence and almost naieve lack of worries, which was refreshing and calming, has dissapated somewhat.

Now i seem to be in the same rut that i was in before i went away. So i think it's time for some more changes. Something more permanent, that won't just go away after the initial change. Mum is terrified that i will move overseas, move interstate, move out. I'm not sure what i want to do yet. I'd love to live in england. But there's no way my funds will stretch that far. So i'm thinking maybe melbourne? I know my university has plenty of transfer/exchange opportunities. Failing that, i'm not even sure what i want to be studying, so i could just start something entirely different. My sister lives in melbourne, i wouldnt be totally alone. But that would kill my mother. So maybe not.

I could quit all of my jobs and get a 'real job'. There are probably some things that i'd be fairly good at. I'm organised, polite, well-mannered... that's a good start for any job. Or i could join some kind of club... waterpolo? Or a choir, because i miss singing so much. I'd say that i could learn french, piano, guitar... but i know that i'd never have the drive to make myself stick to something like that. So maybe not those things. I tried writing again, but i kept getting caught in a web where my life and the lives of my characters became inorexably intertwined.

Then there's something i could do that would totally shake up my entire life. I could leave my church. I don't want to rennounce christianity, or anything like that, but moving churches would be a huge thing for me to do. If i think about it, it's where i spend most of my time, most of my weekends. I work there. The people there are the people that see more of me than anyone else, i see some of them almost everyday. But, when i think about it, even though some of the times there have been happier than any others, a lot of issues have arisen there. Most of my biggest, actually. If i left, i'd be leaving all of that behind. That'd be a good change.

For all that i talk about changes, i hardly ever can force myself to make them. Sure, so far this year i've kept on top of my uni work. I've made some new guy-friends, who are lots of fun (totally irresponsible and probably going to lead me astray, but still, i made new friends!) and i know enough people at uni now that i feel pretty comfortable there. I'm reasonably self-sufficient. But the fact that people's opinions get to me so much, that i'm so self-depricating, that i'm emotionally dependant on other people drives me crazy and i want to change that.

I've got to find something that i can do about that.