Revelations

And It All Becomes Much Clearer

Tonight was a night of revelations. In a way, that's good, because i hate not knowing things and i like things to be clear. In another way, it's bad, because now my mind is in a tumble and that'd not going to bode well for my study.

I have a way of talking myself into believing things. Everyone around me often knows the truth, but i can have myself thinking that i've got it under control and that it's on it's way to not being a problem anymore. Then i suddenly have a revelation where i realise that i really don't have it in check after all. Tonight was one of those times. I was happily stressing with Loz about failing exams next week when something came out of nowhere and all of a sudden i literally felt like i couldn't breathe. I'd done such a good job convincing myself that i had no problem that i stood there for a minute, unable to work out what was happening. Then it clicked and i felt like smashing things against a wall - always the reaction when i unearth the fact that i've been lying to myself. Great. So, that's something else to deal with now.

You all know i was very upset a few weeks ago. Finally, i've stopped crying and can actually smile now. But it was a crap time and everyone knew i wasn't ok and most people knew at least a little bit about why. I was talking to LittleM tonight. It appears that some people couldn't understand why i couldn't just get over it faster. He wanted to know the whole story - so i told him. He got this look on his face that was a mixture of understanding, guilt and pity. He said that he was sorry and when i asked for what, he said that he hadn't understood the crapness of it. So at least that's one less person who thinks i'm pathetic.

Next revelation? I've known for awhile that one of my guy friends (younger) used to have a thing for me. I thought it was a two-week crush. Awhile ago i learnt it was longer then two-weeks. Tonight, i found out that it was a few months. And it was lots more recent than i'd thought. And it was a bigger deal than i thought. And i hurt him more than i thought. I felt awful. With him being younger than me, i'd always seen him as almost a little brother and we'd always laughed about it never happening. Now, i found out that when we joked about that it was hurting him on the inside. Tonight we had a big talk about 'us'; about how i'm not good at touching and hugging people, so i wasn't really dissing him; about how we were good friends and that neither of us could really see it ever working between us; about how everyone thinks we should be married because of how we behave; about how we'd think about getting married if we were still both single at 40. While i feel guilty about hurting him last year, albeit inadvertantley, i'm so glad we're friends now. And we're working on the hugging thing.

Want another one? We were talking about the fact that i can have 15 or 16yr old guys hanging off my every word. It came up that this guy i was just talking about thinks i knew that one of them liked me as more than just a friend and was therefore leading him on. I didn't. I'd even asked him and he'd promised me that he didn't - anymore. He gives me the best cuddles ever (and the only cuddles i really get) and we usually get along well. But things have been a little off lately and now this guy's got me all worried that maybe he's not as over me as he said he was. So that's something else to worry about.

Add that to the fact that i've now realised that i'm in trouble for my exams because i probably haven't studied enough and you've got quite a few revelations for tonight... now, instead of being able to ponder all of that i've got to try and study... such a fun life that i lead! Wish me luck.

Annie