The Other Side

Beyond What We Know

My grandma died today.

We knew it was only a matter of time. I went to see her yesterday but she was hardly lucid and i don't think she recognised me. That was fairly distressing. I was only there five minutes - i think she'd been sedated and she kept dozing off, then waking up again. I don't think she knew who i was...

Today, they got the call. She'd died. If she'd held on another half hour, her son (flown in from interstate) would've seen her, but she couldn't. Her heart was filled with fluid and she had a couple of strokes. Dad was very upset. It's horrible seeing him sad. I remember seeing him cry a few times when he was so sick that he just couldn't handle it anymore. I thought that, now that he's so much better, i wouldn't have to see him in so much pain again. Unfortunately, i have had to.

I think i should be very upset. She was lovely, even though we weren't incredibly close. She was very formal, had a very strict upbringing that she instilled on dad and, in turn, on us and was a strong and kind woman. She was 94 and she was ready to go. But because i didn't see her all that often (something that i feel guilty for now), it doesn't feel like there will be a huge void for me. I think there's something wrong with me emotionally. This should make me feel really sad.

There was one thing that got to me though. I started wondering if she'd be alright. If she'd be ok, wherever she was. What if she were in some awful place? There was just no way to know whether or not she's ok... i hope she is.

The funeral is on tuesday. I've never been to a funeral before. I don't think they're my kind of thing... once someone is gone, they're gone - i don't see a huge point in dragging it out, but i suppose it gives some kind of closure that isn't so abrubpt.

Annie