Didn't Know It Was Possible

A Walk In The Park

I wandered the streets this afternoon and spent most of the day sitting in a park and reading a book. It was nice and sunny. Somehow the beautiful sky and trees and the children's laughter that filled the little park could make me forget about things that suck for awhile. Which is always nice.

After a few hours of that, i headed off to church. Singing with Dr.B was so much fun. I smiled sincerely and everything. I even kept up a relatively sincere cheery demeanour for most of the service and payed attention throughout the sermon (on discipleship, if you wanted to know). By the end, however, i was through. I sat in the kitchen, avoiding most people, but eventually being lauged at for something that isn't remotely funny and actually hurts me more than anything has before got to me and i couldn't laugh it off like i might for something else. So, rather than start crying in the middle of a room, i went and sat on my own. A few people joined me and we dubbed the corner a 'happy people free-zone'.

People keep asking if 'i'm ok'. What am i supposed to say? 'No'? If i say 'no', then they want to know why, if they don't already. Then, they don't know what to say, don't know how to fix it. If i say 'yes', then i'm lying and the people who know me can tell, because i just don't have the energy to keep lying. I can't talk to anyone, because there's nobody to talk to. My 'go-to' people have either left the country, are too involved or have decided that giving me much needed hugs is beyond their ability. So i've got nobody to talk to. Nobody to get hugs from. Nobody to spend time with. Nobody to make it better. Nobody to call when i'm crying again and just can't stop.

Add that to the fact that i leave in near tears, cry all the way home and then have an argument with my mother about how she feels inadequate as a mother, doesn't know how to deal with me. What am i supposed to tell her? That i don't know how to interact with her? That she makes me uncomfortable? I can't explain why, but i don't know how to make it better. She wants one-on-one girl time, which i just can't give her. I don't know how! So, we yell and i go upstairs again. To do what? Cry silently and just wait for it all to stop hurting? I tell you, it'd better be soon, because i hate being this miserable, pretender of a girl.

I never wanted to be this person. I hate being this person. I hate that i'm not ok with this. I hate that i don't know what to do to make it better. I hate that all i have to do with my time is be on my own. I hate that this hurts more than anything, ever. I hate that it won't go away. I hate that i'm all on my own. I hate that now i have to deal with family problems as well. I hate it. I hate it.

Annie