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A Sigh Of Relief

I'm sick again... (obviously that's not why i'm sighing in relief). And i'm oh-so-sleepy, because i keep staying up late to work... or attempt to... But guess what? I'm not crying anymore! Hurrah! Ok, you may not understand why that's a good thing, it's quite monumental at the moment. Seeing as i spent the majority of the last two weeks bursting into floods of tears, i'm very glad to have finally moved out of that phase. Cheer for me!

You may ask what got me out of my doldrums. Then again, you may not, but i'm going to tell you anyway... tonight, i screwed up my courage and finally had a 'talk' with a friend about our semi-mutual issues (more 'mine' than 'his). Knowing how awfully i usually am in awkward conversations, i was somewhat dreading it. Especially seeing as i'd ignored Angel's advice of writing down what i wanted to say... i kicked myself when it was time to talk and everything i wanted to say just flew out of my head. But, with some persuasion, i managed to get all of my thoughts out (a dangerous thing).

After a long conversation, all the weirdness is gone and friendship is once again the number one priority. Thankfully. I'm also quite proud of myself - i had quite a few revelations! For starters, i managed to have a proper talk about 'feelings', without having a mental breakdown. For someone as 'emotionally unstable' as me (yes, PB, i worry about your healthy mentality and emotional stability... it just doesn't seem normal to me...), that's a big deal. I felt quite grown up.

More importantly, i discovered that i didn't need to hear what i thought i did. I thought that i needed to hear that i was pretty and that i was 'good enough' for someone (i know, i know, i have low self-esteem). I wanted to hear that i'm fantastic and it was just bad timing, that i'm not a mistake, a regret. Instead, i found that hearing i was a good person and can make people smile was enough for me, that i'm a good friend, that i'm wierd - but in a good way. I don't feel inadequate, i don't feel like i'm not 'good enough'. Somehow, i understand that i don't have to be gorgeous to be likeable. Also, that being myself and just waiting for someone to like me as i am is more important than just worrying about what people think about me. I'm talking about with anyone here, girls too - i worry way too much about what other people think. Talking to 'emotionally stable' people can be quite enlightening.

That might not make much sense to you. I'm not even sure if it makes sense to me yet. All i know is that i somehow am thinkng differently from how i was a few hours ago. Now, i realise that i can be happy with how things are, remember the good things without being sad that they're over and be happy with good friends.

Wow. How psycho-babble do i sound? I'm not high, i promise. Maybe it's all the panadol. I sound like a hippy. So i think i should love and leave you, before i scare you even more with my 'love each other, love yourself' speak.

Love you, mean it!

Annie