WANTED: One Mechanic
Preferably; male, handsome, funny, smart,
taller than me, talented, chivalrous...
Call: Me!
Girls. It has been ascertained that i will need to either become, or marry, a mechanic. Seeing as i most definately do not have, and am unlikely to obtain, the skills needed to be a success in this area, it is looking like marriage will be the way to go. Why marriage and not just a good friend? Well, with the luck that faces me and any future car i may drive, mates rates won't cut it; it'll have to be a labour of love - enter the husband.
You may wonder why i am so certain that a mechanic will feature prominently in my future. Well, if you've ever driven with me, i doubt you'll be wondering, but for anyone else, i'll give you the run down.
I bought a car and i love it very much. It's a little red Toyota Corolla, dubbed the 'Beetle', because it 'beetles' along the road. It has a number of great talents, such as an extremely impressive turning circle, an aversion to stalling (as in, all the lights to say i've stalled will come on, but as long as i hit the clutch within about ten seconds, i'm saves from stalling and just bunny-hop along for awhile :P) and the ability to make the three-hub-capped look a fashion statement, rather than an indication of the owner's driving skills. Who wouldn't love this car? It has served me well, with it's fuel efficentcy, tape deck and big boot.
It also does some pretty cool tricks; first of all, it has the talent to make it down a road, speed bumps and all, at 40kmph, while in neutral. Don't try that at home kiddies! Also, it can make it across traffic lights, from a stationary position, whilst in third (although it takes awhile and i don't recommend it unless you have very patient people behind you). Should the driver of the car happen to have a hissy fit and stamp on the brake, forgetting that that's a bad idea in a car, it won't stall. And, should you be working the clutch whilst someone else does the gears, it will survive a change when you're not playing attention and forget the clutch. Good car! Plus, it looks hot when decorated with balloons and streamers, hooning through town for birthday celebrations.
That said, it does have it's issues. The windscreen-wiper-water-thingy doens't work, prefering to dribble water onto the bonnet rather than onto the windscreen, achieving nothing much. Occasionally the handbrake gets stuck, leaving me stranded in carparks behind Kibby's, with George and i frantically trying to pull it loose, amidst the hysterical laughter of those eating out at midnight on a thursday - a surpisingly large amount actually! Then there's the time that i was half way up a rather steep driveway in Hahndorf and the beetle decided to stall. No clutch involved, i'm talking about the car literally just turning itself off. Rapidly ensued a minute of panic wherein i realised that if i couldn't restart the car then i would have to knock on the door and confess that it was my car blocking the driveway for some unknown reason - followed by the logic that told me to try the engine. Thankfully it started!
However, the tales of misfortune in my car don't end there. There was it's phase in which it constantly had a flat battery. THAT was fun. Not. Eventually, the RAA decided i needed a new battery. But that was only after a few weeks of near constant affiliation with jumper leads. A set of which now resides in the boot, if you wanted to know. Also, there's the bag of bread that resided in the boot for a month or two, after a certain surprise party, that started to smell until finally discovered - now lovely shades of blue and green... Then there's been an uncomfortable run-in with an RAA man whilst in a U-Park too, the first time i took out my car - and it was my birthday!! I'd left the lights on, not realising you manually had to turn them off in this car, and the battery was flat when we returned from our movie. My parents were out so we rang the RAA and i pretended to be George, using her details... The poor RAA man. This was the jist of our phone conversation;
...RAA dude: What's your birthday?
Me: 1989 (gesturing frantically to george for the answer)... June... 25th.
RAA dude: Address?
Me: Uh... Stanisbot Avenue... (again gesturing frantically)... number 17?
RAA dude: What suburb are you in?
Me: Heathpool (relief was evident - i knew that one)
RAA dude: I meant which suburb are you in NOW?
Me: Oh... i'm in town. In the U-park.
RAA dude: Which one?
Me: There's more than one?
RAA dude: There are about five...
Me: Oh... if i say the one by Hungry Jack's, are you going to know which one i mean?
RAA dude: No.
Me: Ok... uh... hang on a sec (frantic rummage through shit in car to find the ticket, praying it had the address on it...)...
I'm sure you can guess how that conversation continued. But finally a man arrives to help :) But our troubles hadn't ended - when he asked to see ID, we realised that i look NOTHING like george, so couldn't really pass for her. So, we pretended that she's made the call... until he asked her to turn on the car and she couldn't manage the manual! So, i piped up that it was MY car... but HER membership... i think we were trying to imply that we were related? I don't know, it was pretty weak! The man looked slightly bemused but fixed my little car. Then, as he was leaving, we were offered some sage advice; "Ladies, i suggest you each have your OWN RAA membership, when driving your car...". Clever little RAA man - no flies on him! Ah, the adventures we have in the beetle (and my parents still don't know :P).
Why do these things mean that i'll need a mechanic on hand, rather than just some driving lessons? Well, when you factor in the missing hubcap and the fact that someone had tried to break into my petrol tank and siphon off the petrol WHILE IT WAS PARKED OUTSIDE MY HOUSE, in the process chipping all the paint and bending the door, things start to become clearer. Oh, and Sporting Buddy? Yea, that button actually flips the bonnet open, so no wonder the boot wouldn't go up, you ninny! Two days later i'm awandering down the street, notice that my bonnet is up, after your fiddling, and motion to my companion (male, therefore knowledgeable) to take a look at why the hell this is so. A few minutes later, i know the location of the coolant - on which i am dangerously low -, the wiper-water-bottle and some other important thingummy. Then the bonnet is safely closed. But who knows how long it would've taken me to figure that out myself!
I can sense that i'll need close affiliations with mechanics in future if i want my car to stay undamaged, running smoothly and, well, driveable! With all the battery troubles, wiper issues, petrol crisis and strange occurences, i think services will be frequently desired. So, point me in the direction of the nearest car-know-it-all!
She who knows nothing about cars... and really should...
a.k.a; Annie
P.S; Fitzy dear, i'm still counting on you to find me a replacement hubcap... :P
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