LIFE Manual: Friends

A Few Basics

Nobody know's the meaning of life, least of all me and i'm the first to admit it. But that doesn't mean that, in the few billion years that humans have (dis)graced the world with their presence, a few things have been figured out for sure. For example, obviously, it's been discovered that people want to be happy. While there's no formula for happiness (other than chocolate), we do know a few of the ingredients. One of the biggies is that, to be happy, one must be treated well. Nobody wants to be treated badly.

So, how are you to guarantee good treatment? Well, i hate to break it to you, but you can't. However, you can do a few things to encourace it. The first of which being; treat people the way that you want to be treated. Simple, huh? It's amazing how many people treat others like the crap beneath their feet and expect to be treated like royalty in return. If you know these people, you should ditch them... even though it isn't always that simple. But there's no point in spending time with people who make you feel consistently terrible. If the meaning of life is to be happy, and you're happy by being treated nicely, then you've got to treat others well.

Now, i don't know about you, but for me, i'm the kind of girl who wants her friends to treat her nicely, more so than parents - who can't help but be parents - or teachers or anyone else. But, of late, from what i've seen in the big wide world around me, lots of people have forgotten the basics of being a good friend. So i'm going to offer a little refresher course, that, if remembered, may keep your friends close, keep you feeling loved, make you happy and pull you that one step closer to figuring out the meaning of life... or at least having a good time along the way.

#1

LISTEN

When your friend is talking about something that upsets them, listen to what they're saying. If you can, try to help - not by offering false hope or unrealistically telling them that everything's going to be allright. Either give them an idea about what to do or just be there for them. If you only make them feel worse, you're not helping. Be there when they want to talk, not just when you want to hear the latest gossip or something. Don't always just make them listen to what you have to say. Eventually, they won't talk to you about anything anymore and that'll be the end of that friendship.

#2

REMEMBER

If someone does spill to you, remember what they say. Store it all up in your head for future-reference, don't just be there in the moment, make them feel better and let it go. Just because they've stopped crying doesn't mean they're not hurting.

#3

PLAY DETECTIVE

If you constantly ask them if 'they're ok' and you get the affirmative 'i'm fine', accompanied by a big smile, chances are that they're lying. This isn't code for 'i don't want to talk about it'. It's probably more something along the lines of 'everything isn't ok, but i don't want to bother you/don't think you care so i'm not going to say anything'. Push it. Keep pushing it until you know what's wrong, even if it takes awhile. I'm not saying reduce the poor person to tears, just put the pieces together, the fragments you're given, and figure it out.

#4

SHARE

Don't let them be the only ones to talk. You have to share you're problems, your secrets too. There's no point in being the listener all the time, or talking all the time. If they can see you've got an issue, talk to them! Don't just say 'i don't want to talk about it'. And definately don't yell at them if they push it! They're trying to help you! Keeping things bottled up inside is a stupid idea, it's unhealthy. If they want to help you, let them. Don't keep them at an arm's length.

#5

DON'T LIE

Yea, we all know that lying is bad. But lying to your friends is worse. If you can't talk to them, you're screwed. So, don't lie. Especially if they ask you something directly. Because, if they find out you lied, you're in trouble. If you ARE stupid enough to get lie and get caught, then apologise. There's no friendship if you can't trust each other. Then, i suggest you learn your lesson. Don't keep lying!!! Everytime you do, everytime you get caught, your apology is going to mean a little less. Eventually, bye-bye friend. Use your brains - people lie. But, if you're a good enough friends then you shouldn't have to.

#6

REPLY

This is a common courtesy one. If somebody calls/txts/emails or whatever, then reply. Even if there aren't questions. Unless there is very obviously nothing to say in return, it's pretty likely that somebody is expecting a reply of some sort. If you absolutely can't be bothered, then it had better not because you've become a selfish-replier; a new-term, used for someone who sends their questions, gets their answers and then ignores anything you ask. They're terribly annoying. As are the people who figure that they won't reply because they'll see you later - if they're asking now, there's probably a reason that they can't wait a few hours.

#7

DON'T SAY IT

What is something that somebody never wants to hear right after they've made a mistake? Some 'friend' sitting there smugly, with a little smirk on their face, saying 'i told you so!'. Really. Who exactly is it helping? Not your friend! It just makes you feel like the bigger, better person - in other words, you're being selfish. Try being supportive. This goes for using the phrase 'i won't say i told you so, but...' -- everyone knows what you're implying, they're not stupid.

#8

ZIP-IT

If your friend trusts you enough to tell you things, she shouldn't have to add 'don't tell anyone, ok?' onto the end. Either way, DON'T go telling everyone everything your friend says - unless it's going to really hurt someone or it's serious. You can all tell the difference between telling people that your friend said she was anorexic and telling people about the guy who likes her. You know it. Don't be stupid.

#9

DON'T RUB IT IN

If things are going well for you, that's fantastic. Chances are that your friend will be happy for you and want to talk about all the good stuff (if she doesn't, maybe she's not that great a friend to start with). But there's a limit. When you're talking to the friend who maybe is having some issues at the time, telling her all about how fantastic things are for you isn't going to be the best thing. Same with talking about problems in a way; if your problem is about something trivial and small and you're just being incredibly over-obsessive, chances are that your friend will only take it for so long. Yes, they should listen to you, but not at the expense of their own happiness.

#10

EXPLAIN

If you're mad or annoyed at something your friend does, tell them about it. More often than not, they probably don't know what you're upset about. This works both ways; if your friend tells you how something is upsetting them, listen, take note and stop it! Obviously it makes them feel bad. Don't just assume they're in a crap mood that day and just feel like being mean. If they tell you something is wrong and you ignore them, or if you don't tell them something is wrong and they therefore unknowingly keep doing it, then you sure as hell don't have the right to throw it back at them in an argument. That's bitchy, uncalled for and unfair.

#11

IT'S TWO-WAY

Don't just hang around them when nobody better is around. Make the effort, don't let just the one person organise everything all the time, that's not fair - definately don't yell at them when they stop and it means you don't go out anymore. Be available! If you constantly say 'i can't come out' and you don't really have a good reason, then your friend is going to stop bothering; you can't be in a friendship when only one of you cares. Think about how you'd feel if someone did what you're about to do to you. If you wouldn't like it, chances are that they wouldn't either. If they laugh, it doesn't always mean it was funny.

#12

BE NICE!

This one's simple; love them for who they are, not who they could be. Don't try to change them, you either like them as they are or you don't.

Sounds like hard work, doesn't it. Not much fun at all. I guess in a way it is... but if you get it right, then shouldn't it be worth it? A friend can be the best thing in the world. Remember that whatever you do for them, they'll do back for you. Win-win situation. Friendship is a two-way thing; if one person is putting in all of the effort, taking all of the shit, then it's not a friendship and eventually they'll relise that and you'll lose a mate. Now, i know you don't want that.

A depressing blog perhaps, but i decided i needed to unpack some of society's latest stuff ups. Friends are important. People need to remember how they should be treated. They're not accessories, they're people.

Ciao