I'm falling again. It started slowly at first, then i could feel it accelerating - and now it's quite a speedy little drop into the darkness. So, i spent friday night bumming around with Loz, who showed her true friendship colours in refusing to leave me alone when i felt like crap. We mucked around on facebook, and got over-tired - eventually reaching that lovely point of silliness. Then, i spent saturday working. A bunch of my babies moved up to the next class, so they and their parents told me what a good job i'd done, which was nice; but i'll miss them so much. I came home and was supposed to shower and change so that i could help deliver the phonebooks again at church... but i fell asleep. So, i just turned up at 3 for the 'games afternoon'. Basically, i hung with the babies and watched the boys play monopoly and then we ate pizza. We had band practice, went to Resthaven to play games with the elderly, ate junkfood, played PlanC and mucked around. And then we went out to the Elephant, where Dr.B, Loz and i celebrated Hell's 26th birthday. Crazy dancing, woo. Some guy came up, grabbed my hand and tried it on. For a second, i let him, because i thought it was creepy Matthew from wednesday night (because, just a minute ago, we'd seen him in the corner! Adelaide is too small) - and once i realised it wasn't, i bailed pretty quickly and escaped back to the girls. But we only stayed an hour, before heading home. Wild.
That's what i did. Here's what i felt.
I played with the babies at work and at the games afternoon, because babies are little bundles of happiness. They love you, they laugh, their cuddly and they radiate smiles. When i'm around the babies, the circle of light that encircles them can overlap my circle of darkness and make it a little lighter. By the time we got to youth, i was blank inside, neither dark nor light, but nothing. When we were dancing, the loud music vibrated through me and knocked out thoughts of anything else. When i got home, i read my book until i was too tired to think.
This is how i am living my life.
I spend as much time with the babies as possible. I do anything to distract myself. I wear myself out until i'm too tired to think anymore. I don't stop, i don't sit still, i'm always doing. Even now, my body is still, but my mind is racing asi type this, i'm watching One Tree Hill and i'm about to start my homework. I've got to keep my mind occupied. Because if i start to fall any faster, i'm going to hit the ground so hard that i'm not going to be able to get up again.
That's what i did. Here's what i felt.
I played with the babies at work and at the games afternoon, because babies are little bundles of happiness. They love you, they laugh, their cuddly and they radiate smiles. When i'm around the babies, the circle of light that encircles them can overlap my circle of darkness and make it a little lighter. By the time we got to youth, i was blank inside, neither dark nor light, but nothing. When we were dancing, the loud music vibrated through me and knocked out thoughts of anything else. When i got home, i read my book until i was too tired to think.
This is how i am living my life.
I spend as much time with the babies as possible. I do anything to distract myself. I wear myself out until i'm too tired to think anymore. I don't stop, i don't sit still, i'm always doing. Even now, my body is still, but my mind is racing asi type this, i'm watching One Tree Hill and i'm about to start my homework. I've got to keep my mind occupied. Because if i start to fall any faster, i'm going to hit the ground so hard that i'm not going to be able to get up again.
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