Of course, it's the day after now. I haven't heard from Caleb, but i didn't really expect to; which is why i didn't take his number - this way i don't have to stress about whether or not to message him, and whether or not i'm going to get a reply. Seeing as it's the morning (evening) after, and i'm the me that i am, i can't help but think that all of the comments about my having an absolutely gorgeous smile were just lines, because who could find my gappy, goofy grin gorgeous? Fun, or cute at best. But not gorgeous. And i'm almost hoping that he doesn't call, because i don't want the stress of wondering if he likes me, while trying to stay true to myself, and i don't want to get hurt. Cheesy as it might sound, there's just no way i'm setting myself up for that again. But none of this really bothers me, because i just can't bring myself to care about Caleb all that much. He was a boy, and he was nice. That's all there was to it. Still. I'm happy to leave it at that.
In part, this is because of another thing that i discovered. It's always been quite well known that i have appalling taste in men. I've gone for the utterly unattainable, the hopelessly uninterested or the incredibly bad for me. In turn, i attract those that are bizzare, short, sleazy... witches, underages, people who want to use me while something else comes along. It's quite a cycle and it's been known to result in situations not unlike those in an episode of Days of Our Lives.
I'm not entirely sure why it is that i like inappropriate people. Lately, not a single boy has even made me take a second glance, not for months. But maybe i've just not met anyone who's bad for me because there's this boy that i've met, who is funny and cute and dances like a total nut. He made me laugh. I don't really know him that well yet, and i probably never will really get that chance, even if i wanted it - because he's off-limits. I mean, he's not dating someone else and it's only the fact that i value my friends more than anything else that means i can't go near him. But that's enough.
I pick people that are bad for me, whether i know it at the time or whether i find it out after a few weeks. Maybe there are genuinely nice people out there who like me, but i overlook them, because they're people that i could actually be with - and then the stakes go up. I wonder if i start to like the people that are going to hurt me because, on some level, i don't want to be with someone, or i don't want to get myself into a position where i love someone so much that i don't know what to do without them; because i'll always be so worried that they'll leave me - because that's what they normally do.
I've got two choices; i can either try and let someone in, and risk everything - or i can continue to shut them all out and not let anyone close to me. I know which one i should do, but i also know which one i probably will.
In part, this is because of another thing that i discovered. It's always been quite well known that i have appalling taste in men. I've gone for the utterly unattainable, the hopelessly uninterested or the incredibly bad for me. In turn, i attract those that are bizzare, short, sleazy... witches, underages, people who want to use me while something else comes along. It's quite a cycle and it's been known to result in situations not unlike those in an episode of Days of Our Lives.
I'm not entirely sure why it is that i like inappropriate people. Lately, not a single boy has even made me take a second glance, not for months. But maybe i've just not met anyone who's bad for me because there's this boy that i've met, who is funny and cute and dances like a total nut. He made me laugh. I don't really know him that well yet, and i probably never will really get that chance, even if i wanted it - because he's off-limits. I mean, he's not dating someone else and it's only the fact that i value my friends more than anything else that means i can't go near him. But that's enough.
I pick people that are bad for me, whether i know it at the time or whether i find it out after a few weeks. Maybe there are genuinely nice people out there who like me, but i overlook them, because they're people that i could actually be with - and then the stakes go up. I wonder if i start to like the people that are going to hurt me because, on some level, i don't want to be with someone, or i don't want to get myself into a position where i love someone so much that i don't know what to do without them; because i'll always be so worried that they'll leave me - because that's what they normally do.
I've got two choices; i can either try and let someone in, and risk everything - or i can continue to shut them all out and not let anyone close to me. I know which one i should do, but i also know which one i probably will.
1 comment:
I struggled with this same thing for years. And then I met the person that I was willing to take the risk for. You'll open up when it's right for you.
Having said that, I will say that the relationship ended in a miserable failure, and I was very badly hurt. He is/was still worth the risk. He just doesn't realize it (yet?).
-smarmoofus
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