I can't recall the last time i broke down infront of another human. No, teddy bears or my cat don't count. That's not to say i've never done it, i just can't remember doing it recently.
There were the times when i was younger, when my 'nemesis' of sorts would push my buttons, drive me crazy and send me to the toilets to hide and cry until someone came and found me, to console me and remind me that she was an idiot.
There was the time i got into an argument with my parents a few years ago. Dad was really sick and the whole family was a wreck. In the middle of the fight Dad told me that he thought he would never, ever forgive me. I can't even remember for what, i just remember that he was so mad, and i'd not even done anything. It was something like he thought i was angry that he was too sick to look after us. I was so distraught, i thought he was going to die angry at me. I ran away, i ran to a friend's house, i didn't know where else to go. My parents didn't know where i'd gone, so they rang Dr.B and his wife, because they assumed that i loved them more than i loved my own parents. Eventually, i rang and told them i was ok. I cried so much, i couldn't breathe. I think that was one of the only times someone's hugged it better when i was crying.
There was the time that one of my friends abandoned me on a street corner. I had to go to a friends house afterwards, where Bubble and Noodle found me crying in the laundry. They didn't find it at all bizzare.
There was a time not so long ago where i was left alone in a boatshed and had to call someone who i considered a friend at the time to come and get me, because i was just so miserable that i couldn't figure out how else i was going to get home. By the time i was 'rescued', i was sniffling and teary.
Usually i don't cry in front of people. I wait until they've left. Or i tear up and blink it away. Or tears roll down my cheeks but nobody notices. I don't like to be vunerable, and crying in front of people is a pretty vunerable place to be in. You can't be vunerable if the people in front of you can't be trusted to hug it better like my friend did such a long time ago. It's just too hard. And, if you do, when it backfires, you've just got more reasons to want to cry.
There were the times when i was younger, when my 'nemesis' of sorts would push my buttons, drive me crazy and send me to the toilets to hide and cry until someone came and found me, to console me and remind me that she was an idiot.
There was the time i got into an argument with my parents a few years ago. Dad was really sick and the whole family was a wreck. In the middle of the fight Dad told me that he thought he would never, ever forgive me. I can't even remember for what, i just remember that he was so mad, and i'd not even done anything. It was something like he thought i was angry that he was too sick to look after us. I was so distraught, i thought he was going to die angry at me. I ran away, i ran to a friend's house, i didn't know where else to go. My parents didn't know where i'd gone, so they rang Dr.B and his wife, because they assumed that i loved them more than i loved my own parents. Eventually, i rang and told them i was ok. I cried so much, i couldn't breathe. I think that was one of the only times someone's hugged it better when i was crying.
There was the time that one of my friends abandoned me on a street corner. I had to go to a friends house afterwards, where Bubble and Noodle found me crying in the laundry. They didn't find it at all bizzare.
There was a time not so long ago where i was left alone in a boatshed and had to call someone who i considered a friend at the time to come and get me, because i was just so miserable that i couldn't figure out how else i was going to get home. By the time i was 'rescued', i was sniffling and teary.
Usually i don't cry in front of people. I wait until they've left. Or i tear up and blink it away. Or tears roll down my cheeks but nobody notices. I don't like to be vunerable, and crying in front of people is a pretty vunerable place to be in. You can't be vunerable if the people in front of you can't be trusted to hug it better like my friend did such a long time ago. It's just too hard. And, if you do, when it backfires, you've just got more reasons to want to cry.
No comments:
Post a Comment