Thoughts

Tonight sucked. I'm half fighting with the person i care most about in the world. However, that person doesn't really understand what i'm feeling. Mainly because i've not explained it. I'm not a good talker when it comes to emotions. So, while we partly discussed the situation, i only partly explanied my feelings. Plus, in my customary fashion, i made light of everything, cracking jokes, laughing... which makes it seem like i'm fine with everything. So now i'm desparate to bring up the conversation - but don't know if i can bring it up myself - and am miserable in the meantime. I hate being mad and annoyed and upset and disapointed and crushed. I'm feeling all of the emotions. I'm the kind of person who needs to talk things to death and this is definately one of those times. I'm fretting. I'm feel like crap on the inside and i'm not totally sure why. I need to talk about this.

Work this morning was dodgy too. Not only did i get blown off by the NewGuy (who i've run into twice this week at various clubs and got along fine with) but my supervisor decided to pick on me. Apparently i should be taking all four of my children at once. That's impossible. Try juggling four kids under four who can't swim. It doesn't work. You look completely incompetent trying. And the kids don't learn anything because you're so busy trying not to drown them that you can't explain what they should be doing. And when the supervisor tells you what to do infront of the parents, there's very little that you can do to argue. I really think it was unnecessary to continue to ask me to take all the kids at once, saying it just the once time would have been fine. No parent has ever complained before, i don't see why what i'm doing is so wrong.

I caught up with the Librarian for coffee- that's always awesome. We had the best time, having coffee and catching up on all the goss. She's 37, but we get along like we were both the same age. She loves to tell me that i'm just like she was when she was younger. She's had all the same crap as me. I like to hear that - she's turned out pretty alright, so maybe there's hope for me yet.

I was told just recently that i used not to be a good kisser. I'm mortified. I hate being bad at things for the best of times - and this seems like something i really don't want to be bad at. Not to mention that this person thinking that is something that humiliates me. Apparently, i have now improved. In response to my indignation, i was told that i'm now fine. However, fine still isn't great - i'm not pleased. Someone else has said i was good before - now i wonder if he was lying. This is a very strange thing to discuss on a blog, but i'm not only mortified, but also confused and tumultuous. Ah, i want a chance to 'prove myself' (for lack of better wording) again, but that's soooo not going to happen anytime soon, unfortunately. Grrrr.

I'm hooked on Gilmore Girls at the moment - i can tell where all of my money will go as soon as i have any... the dude who plays Jess is really cute. I have a bad-boy thing going at the moment, unfortunately. Which is ironic, seeing as i can only pull the dorks. The universe's little joke.

I think i should start using the word/insult 'putz' more often. It just has a certain je ne sais quoi to it, a vibrancy that i think could really spice up conversation. Maybe i can make it take off! I've done quite well with making words take off before. It's a talent.