History Repeats

People always say that 'history repeats itself'. I've always imagined that to mean that humans create situations of near-apocalypse every few hundred years but manage not to kill everyone on earth, in strikingly similar circumstances. I have images that are large scale and dramatic - thigns that have shaped the world recurring in one form or another every few hundred years. I never realised that history repeats itself in more minor ways too, like within my own life, within the last decade or so, within the last few years. History doesn't like to stay in the past, where it belongs. It much prefers to pop up and remind you of how things stand.

When i was in year 12, one of my friends really hurt me. I wasn't angry. I believe i spent lots of time saying things like 'it's ok, i'm not mad, if it makes you happy then go for it...'. I meant it, i like my friends to be happy. But on the inside i remember feeling empty and worthless. That feeling stayed with me for a long time. Last year, another friend really hurt me. I reacted exactly the same way. The hurt on the inside was worse though and i withdrew into myself for a long time. This year, yesterday in fact, it happened again. Another friend, another time, another hurt. Exactly the same situation, three years in a row.

I'm noticing a distinct pattern. I'm severely disliking it. I'm extensively worried about what it's doing to my mental/emotional health. Everytime it happens, another layer slides onto my life. Each layer includes a blank forgiveness for whatever happened, an empty space just above my diaphragm that exudes hurt, i back a little further out of my commitment to other people, i lose a little more of my 'pizzazz'. I don't like it, but i don't know what there is i can do about it.

I can remember how happy i was a week ago. Simple pleasures. Now, i've sunk back to that neutral ground where i don't feel anything; no pleasure, no pain. I'm just empty. I know i'll come back from this eventually. But each time it takes a little more from me. And each time i get a little more afraid of it happening again; how many more people will break a trust and take that happiness away? I sound dismall and disturbingly 'emo' but the flatness in me can't help it.

I just can't believe that it happened again.