Kicked In The Stomach

It Goes On And On

I've never been someone who can survive not knowing things. I need to know details, i need to know why. I need to know. I need to. Because, with an imagination like mine, it's all too easy for me to assume the worst.

I know i've been down lately. I know i've been hurting more than i ever thought possible. I know it's not all because of the one thing that people may assume. I know that people think i feel things too much, but i can't change that. I know that that one thing meant that i slipped up, that i lost my footing on things, that i fell back to the bottom of the ladder that i'd just started to climb.

I forgot how to cope with the sadness. I used to be sad, before. But i knew how to deal with it. I was functional. It's amazing how quickly i forgot how to do it. A few weeks of being cheery, before sadness kicked back in, and now i can't quite remember how i used to do it. I'm sure that it'll come back to me, or i'll figure out a new way how, but for now it's sitting just out of my reach.

It's amazing how one thing can be a catalyst. After, all of my insecurities came flooding back. I can't look in a mirror, i can't concentrate on work, i can't socially function, i cry all the time, all my problems that i thought i could handle have resurfaced. Suddenly, i have everything to deal with again. And i've forgotten how.

There are too many questions that i want answers too. I want to know why this, why that, why, why, why. But, now that i'm back to my painfully shy and incredibly nervous self, i won't be asking questions of anyone. I wish people would just volunteer the answers. I wish something could be done to make it truly better, to make me feel ok instead of like someone is slamming their foot repeatedly into my stomach. I wish that the facade that i'm getting better at putting forth were real and not a lie. I wish that the hurting would go away and leave me to go on with things.

If i've learnt anything, it's nothing healthy. I've learned that people can't be trusted. I've learned that i care too much. I've learned that i shouldn't let my guard down until i'm positive that it's a good idea. I've learned that i can't let things go. I've learned that some people will always go after what they want, no matter what. I've learned that good friends are hard to find, harder to keep and more important that most other things. I've learned that life gets in the way of happiness, that emotion gets in the way of life. I've learned that looking for things that make you happy is pointless, and that the happy things will surprise you - which makes them harder to keep at a distance.

I've learned lots. But i'm yet to see if i can put it into practice. I'll keep you posted.

Annie