Pea Soup

The Muddle-Headed Wombat

I think you can safely call me a wombat (re: i'm muddled inside). Currently, my brain has a similar consistency to pea soup, in that it is thick, gloopy and blended. When my mind is in a state like this, usually i blog about it and, while that hardly fixes things, at least it helps make the gloop a little less thick. However, i've recently discovered that many more people read this blog than i thought. This leaves me with the unanswerable, yet age-old question that plagues bloggers worldwide - what do you do about the people who read what you write, but that you don't really want to share with people that you know. If that makes sense. I've though about making the bloggie private, but that doesn't help (seeing as i want strangers to give opinions and advice), or starting another altogether, but i don't want to lose the work that i've put into the hovel... therefore, i'm left with trying to sort out a problem with cryptic lines and more muddle... i guess you'll just have to bear with me as i try and figure things out...

What's troubling me (this time)? You may desparately be wanting to say 'shut up and just be cheerful for pete's sake, get over yourself', or something similar. Ah well, too bad for you. And yes, it's annoying me too, i would much prefer to be cheery, but it's not like i have much choice in the matter. Trust me, i tried. I spent today trying to be cheery, and just let the negative stuff roll of my back like water off a duck. It worked for a few hours. I even managed not to kill English and LittleM when they threw teabags at me and dropped them on my head... big step. Anyway, somewhere along the line, happy went south and gloomy came up strong. Don't think most people noticed, which is good. But on the inside? Not so much.

The trouble is, i'm not entirely sure what's the matter. If i think of immediate problems (that means, if i forego and family/uni/faith/work type problems), then i'm really just left with a few little things. I'm not entirely sure why they're bothering me so much. It's just that, being insecure (which i am, despite people mistakenly thinking that i'm quite confident), i get panicky about what people are thinking about me, i get somewhat clingy (though apparently not noticably) around people who don't seem to hate me, i get jealous about people who have the things (not so much possessions, but people) that i want... which makes me sound terrible. Maybe that's not really what i mean. Maybe it's just that i get my hopes up when things seem to be going well, hoping that to good will last. You see, when i'm happy, i'm ecstatic and that's always so much more fun than being sad. So i don't like good things to end. I'm not greedy or anything, i don't need that much to be happy; what will make me happy is having a friend (yes, one will do) that i can talk to about anything and who needs me... yes, i need to be needed...

At the moment, i don't really feed needed, as such. Yes, people enjoy the company of happy-annie (she's actually quite good fun - and i can say that objectively, as she is not currently me). But most of the girls have enough other close friends that they don't really NEED me around. If not friends, then close family. Needing is really a two way thing. I don't really have close relationships with my family, so i rely on my friends a great deal. However, it's harder to rely on them when they don't need to rely on you in return. Now, this is in no way a poor reflection on my friends, who are fantastic people and amazing and great people. Truly. But they don't need me in the same way that i need them.

To prove how confused my brain is, maybe it's not even that i need people to need me. Maybe i just want them to want me. Not as a second best, not when there's nobody better around, not as a side-dish to someone else... i'm not saying EVERYONE has to want me, just someone. Then, when i think someone actually does enjoy my company, i feel happy that finally it's not just me who wants the other person around. I quickly get complacent with that happy feeling and, when i realise that i misread the 'you're wanted' vibe and, rather than just being ok with that, i get disapointed and feel rejected in a way. Not that i think i was actually rejected, per se, but just that it's harder to go back to being un-needed/wanted after the false hope of thinking things were different.

I've always been this ridiculous. I realise this. I know i'm being idiotic. People like me, i'm not arrogant enough to think that everyone in the world hates me, or that i'm invisible or unloved or whatever. Like i said, people like me. I can be fun, a good laugh (whether with or at me), a good listener, apparently i give good advice... that's not the problem. Again with the confusion, in that i don't really know what the problem is...

So, from that babble, i'm thinking that half of my problem is that i don't really feel needed/wanted anywhere. Now, that's probably stupid. So the way to make that better is to realise that people do want/need me and then i'll be all good. But at the moment, i happen to know that i have one other small problem that's driving me up the wall. Not all the way up, but at least a little way.

I think that, to anyone who reads this blog, it would be fairly obvious that i recently got a crush on a guy and that it hit me fairly hard. No surprise there. You may also know that when i really like someone, i really like them. Basing this on the very few guys that i've liked in life, this seems to be the pattern. In this case, i was ok with the whole 'it won't work out' thing. Really, i was. I mean, there was obviously initial disapointment, but i understood and was ok with that part. But the messy part, the part that made my brain soup like at the poor thing tried to sort itself out, was that i not only had to get over the disapointment of someone not wanting/needing me, but i now have to figure out how to deal with it. I'm fine with unrequited crushes and what now (as my last experience has shown, i am happy to like someone from a distance, be friends with them and just have that tiny shred of hope that it might change one day) but, in this case, there were such possibilities that it's like i actually lost something. There's actually something to miss; rather than thinking what could be, you think about what almost was. And we're not even friends, like we were. There was a point where we spent ages together, talking or whatever. Now, i hardly see him, or, when i do, i feel like an awful third wheel (again, not a reflection on anyone else, i realise how ridiculous i am and that the world doesn't revolve around me, really i do). So, not only do i not have the guy, which sucks enough, but i also don't seem to have the friend. Double loss. Another person who i though might want me around, but apparently i overestimated that...

At the moment, that's how i think. The self-centredness, the stupidity, the unfairness, the immaturity, the pathetic way that i need other people to by happy, the crazy train of though i take all are recognised. Unfortunately, my pea soup of a brain is unable to see things differently; rather than just being 'life', i see things as a personal affront and get hurt far more than i should, by no fault of anyone. Truly, nobody is to blame here than me. I just need to learn to see things differently, which is where i'm having trouble. But, i think that maybe that's the problem i'm having. Being so confused, i'm not entirely sure... but i think that could be it.

Ok, so this is the longest post in the history of blogs, and i've shared lots for someone who didn't want to share much, which means that this post may be seriously altered at some time in the near future... but for now, at least i've been able to get my thoughts down in words, which hopefully may thin out the confusion a little... i just feel sorry for anyone that bothered to read it all...

Annie