Distinction

It's Not All The Same

I get laughed at lots. I get it - i do funny things. Sometimes funny-haha, sometimes funny-odd. I see why people laugh. Usually, i laugh with them. Because it truly is funny.

I fall over things. I can't tell you how many times i've simply tripped over my shoes, or a pebble, or a doorframe. I lose my balance easily. I've falled through walls, down stairs in auditoriums, up stairs in the movies. Just this evening, English came up behind me twice and both times i lost my balance and fell backwards into his arms. I walk into things; trees, doors, people - especially people. I say silly things. 'You're infamous - and not in a good way'. I don't always think before i opened my mouth. I argue irrationally when i'm tired or annoyed. I don't like to lose. I somehow manage to get myself into all sorts of trouble. No matter how hard i try to keep out of it. I make bad decisions that get me into all sorts of messes. And because i've got a good sense of humour, i make light of it, tell the stories in a funny way and have people in stitches.

I understand how it's funny. Usually, i laugh along with everyone - i'm dramatic, sarcastic, comedic; it makes for some good times.

There are some people who, when i argue (often irrationally) back, think i'm actually mad at them. They seem to think i hate them and are confused when they find out otherwise. I don't really understand that. People who know me well know that i'll argue to defend myself against laughter, i don't always let it go over my head.

Sometimes, however, i just get overdosed on it all. I don't mind people laughing at me lots. But sometimes, it seems that that is all that people do. There are some people who ONLY laugh at me - there is very little other conversation between us. Again, that can be ok; i can live with people who only refer to me as 'krantzky', or 'cranky bear', or 'dispy', or 'unco', or 'queen of scandals'... Usually, these people are people that i don't really care about - i love them but can live without them. Then, there are other people who laugh at me all the time and it eventually does get to me. When the people i care about most spend all of their time laughing at me, i start to think that that is all that i am; a laughing stock, someone who's good for nothing but providing amusement. On some level i know that's not true, but on another level i start to believe it.

I like to laugh. I don't mind laughing at me. But people who are close to me, when they're laughing at me all the time, start to hurt me. Just a little. Not seriously. Enough to create a strain on my heart. A little tug, everytime another joke is made, everytime another comment about my shortcomings is made, everytime i'm left looking like an idiot - everytime an opportunity to build me up for a change is ignored.

It just gets a little old.

I like to laugh. I don't mind laughing at myself. But i wouldn't complain if the people that i care about didn't laugh at me so often, without respite, without pause... I just don't want people to think - hope that people don't think - that all i am is a laughing stock. There really is more to me than that. At least, i like to think so.

Does this make sense? Do i just sound whiny? I'm just a little over the constant mockery tonight.

Annie