Blood Ties

Perfect Strangers

I live at home with my parents and my younger brother. My older half-brother and half-sister show up sometimes. I hardly know them (they're older), so it's easy to almost forget about them most of the time. My little bro and i used to fight constantly, but now we live in a relatively constand truce. I also used to fight 24/7 with my parents about anything and everything. Now, not so much.

I found the solution to the arguing. I stay upstairs in the hovel. All the time. I eat there, most meals. I do study there. I read or watch dvds there. I live on my computer. The rest of the time, i'm out somewhere. This leaves an approximate half hour or so of contact with my mum and dad. Dad seems to be travelling lots at the moment (which seems silly, because he was supposed to start winding down after the operation, but who am i to have an opinion on something that is never openly discussed in the family). So that leaves minimal interaction with mum.

She disapproves of my job at stateswim (bad pay) and my job at church (bad pay and too many hours). She can't stand the state of my room (which is very clean - she's just obsessive so can't stand a single pair of socks being left out). She does my washing and ironing. She makes meals when we're both around at the same time (which isn't often, just a few dinners or something). It's almost like being a boarder in my own home. Despite the miniman interaction time, we still find plenty of time to argue.

I don't really like the fact that i'm not particularly close with anyone in my family. It feels like something important is missing. It's just that i'm not comfortable around them. Despite what they think, they know very little about my life, and i'm not just saying that because i'm a teenager who is 'misunderstood'. I don't talk to them, because it makes me really uncomfortable, i'm not sure why. I get the feeling that my brother will grow up to be the same. We just can't seem to interact with each other properly. Mum's touchy-feely, which makes me uncomfy, but none of us know how to react to that... it's a bizzare situation.

Monday is my nan's 70th birthday. Naturally, i'll say 'happy birthday' and give her a kiss. But mum wanted me to come out for birthday lunch. On the one hand, i could go. That would mean making awkward conversation for a few hours and inevitably would end in shopping. Ew. Mum would be disapointed that i wasn't warm and gushy. She'd get annoyed that i couldn't show more affection. On the other hand, i could make excuses and not go. In that case, mum will be angry that i'm not making the effort (never one to foresee how uncomfortable it would be if i were there). Nan may be disapointed. Either way, i'm screwed. If i go, mum sees me as a horrible, self-invovled, emotionless child. She thinks that's her fault, that she's a bad parent. If i don't go, she sees me as self-involved, selfish, spiteful - best case scenario, i can come up with a good enough lie that she doesn't feel like i'm being selfish in blowing them off... She probably thinks that's her fault too. But less so, i suppose.

I don't think i can bring myself to go. Nan should enjoy her lunch,without me there making it uncomfortable... but then, naturally, i feel awful about not going to celebrate with nan. I wish i could go - but somehow, i have no idea how to interact with the people who raised me.

Because i don't have those 'family connections', i like to surround myself with friends instead - alternates. Not healthy maybe, but it works, for the most part. If you wonder why i seem to need my friends so much, that's why. You're my family!

Now i just have to deal with the guilt. Mum feels like she doesn't have the daughter that she always wanted (re: feminine, pink, gorgeous, popular, carefree, happy, smart, confident...). I just can't seem to be that person. And the worst part is that i've even stopped trying.

Annie