To Sleep No More

When Angels Lay Me Down To Sleep

When i was little, i loved going to bed. I had two dummies; one to suck and one that i would rub on my cheek. Yes, i was strange. I had my teddies and whenever i was scared i would pull every last teddy into bed with me - and that's a lot of teddies!

When i was a little older, bed was lovely because it was where i escaped to my happy places; where i planned my alternate realities, my novels, my dreams. I loved snuggling into bed and heading off to wherever i needed or wanted to be.

When i was older still, i was so exhausted from school, waterpolo, netball, debating, mock trial, a cappella, senior choir, bells, church, butros-gahli shield, unisummit, drama productions, musicals, movie nights, youth group, annesley, latin classes, swimming... whatever it was that i've been doing over the past few years... that i would just fall into bed and be asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Blissful ignorance.

These days? No matter how tired i am, sleep eludes me. It's been ages since i've been asleep before midnight. Generally, i just sit at my computer for hours, achieving nothing, doing nothing productive - except fill this blog with every thought that crosses my mind. Poor you. No matter how much i want to go to bed, or how much i know that i need to go to sleep, or how much energy i'm going to need for the day that is looming.

The only way that sleep can grab a hold of me is if it physically kicks me in the head and i can't keep my eyes open - even though that usually isn't until 1 or 2 in the morning. Otherwise, i go to bed, not really ready for sleep, dreading the part that comes next. That always comes next. As i lie there, my mind running in little circles attempting to catch the evasive sleep, as it darts around the bedroom. I was never any good at cat and mouse games.

I lie there as my life puddles into one big muddle, inside my head. As i try to wade through it, my brain running more circles, faster and faster, trying to make sense of things. With no success. Either it all gets too much for me and i wear myself out, the physical side of things finally catching up to me and forcing me into sleep, or the emotional side of me takes over and i cry myself to sleep.

It's a depressing image, to some degree. And sad, because i used to love sleep so much. Yet, here i am, sitting here, watching the clock tick over. I want to go to bed, because i have an early day tomorrow! But i can't face turning off the lights and being alone with my thoughts just yet. So, i'll stay here a little longer i suppose, awaiting the physical side of things to come up and bite me, giving me that sweet relief that is sleep.

Annie