Secret Keeper

Those In The Know

I'd like to say that there are two types of people in the world. Usually, that's the case - the world can be divided neatly into two... well, almost, anyway. I'd like to divide people into those who bottle everything up and those who spill the beans. But i fall into a third category. I'd like to tell people what's on my mind. But i tend to keep things to myself anyway.

There's a good reason to keep things to yourself. Generally, even if people ask what's up, they don't really want to know. I mean, sure, they care about you. But if you spill your guts it just makes people feel uncomfortable and awkward. People don't know what to say, or what to do, to make things better. Most people just aren't good at offering advice.

That said, i always feel a need to tell people things. It's like a compulsion, unfortunately. However, i know from experience that i really have to pick the right person to tell things to. I tend to be a blurter, telling things to people who i think care, even if i know that the reason they're asking is mainly because they want to know what's new, not because they want to help... i don't mean that in a bad way necessarily. It's more just that people are too busy with their own woes to worry about others.

Anyone who has been in my head (which, unfortunately, would just be me) can tell you that it's a muddle of thoughts and theories. It makes much more sense to talk about them aloud. However, when you see very few people, the options are limited. So i get fooled into talking to people about things that i really should just keep to myself.

The thing is, i don't WANT to keep things to myself! I want friends who i can talk to about absolutely everything and who would do the same to me. Who i don't have to consider the pros and cons of telling and can simply just be comfortable with. Who i don't wish that i hadn't told.

There's one person that i tell everything to. Everything. Which isn't too great for me, because the insides of my brain can make me seem a little insane. I also feel sorry for the poor guy i tell everything to. I don't know if he knows how much i tell him and i know that he doesn't tell me everything. But for some insane reason i feel comfortable... well, not comfortable, actually... but it's easier to talk to him. When i tell him something, i don't wish that i hadn't afterwards.

The question that i'm asking myself is what i'm going to do in a few weeks when that source, that outlet, is gone. I've discovered that someone who isn't my best friend or anything is my best sounding board. He's not my closest friend, i don't even see him that often. I just can't quite figure how it works. But it does - at least for me. I doubt the semi-comfort it reciprocated. I have a knack for making other people feel uncomfortable... i should work on that... Anyway. Granted, he laughs at me and has a habit of making me feel like an idiot, but he still gives the occassional good piece of advice and at least doesn't lie about 'everything being ok'. When i lose my sounding board, i don't know who i'm going to tell everything to. I know i put lots on this blog, but it isn't so great at responding.

I think i'll have to advertise or something. 'Girl: Searching for Sounding Board' - do you think i'd get many responses? I'm a person who needs to talk about things. It's important for me. I think i'm going to need to look a little harder for a new sounding board. Maybe i should just work on being a better bottler instead...

Annie