Clearing Things Up

Not Again...

Ok. I feel like i've said this before, but maybe i need to say it again... I often come home after an afternoon of less-than-perfect afternoon, to a house full of people whom i avoid at all costs. This leaves me in my room, gererally in my hovel, to do some homework, talk to one of the girls on MSN and reflect on the day's happenings. More often than not, this ends in a blog - quite possibly one in which i am cranky or upset about lots of things and this is naturally transferred into what i'm writing.

The problem with this is that i tend to put exactly what i think down on paper (on screen?). Normally, when speaking, i can successfully censor whatever i'm saying (usually, anyway). However, on the blog it's just me and the keyboard - nobody to stop me writing exactly what i think. And really, i don't think i should have to censor my blog too much, seeing as it's really just recording my thoughts - and i can think whatever i like. Now, this doesn't meant that i'd ever just sit down, write about what a bitch someone is and then sit back and see what would happen. No way! But if i've had an afternoon where everything went wrong, had someone treat me in a way that made me feel like shit (even if it was unintentional) or if i've just had another argument with my parents, i feel that i should be able to write about it without being too worried about what other people think.

For starters, they're my thoughts and i'm entitled to them. Secondly, everyone knows that it's unhealthy to keep things bottled up inside, so my blog is how i let them out. How else am i supposed to? Noone else really wants to listen to my going on about something that they don't really care about. So, they're off the hook. But they can't have it both ways - either i blog about stuff or i talk to them about stuff. And i'm not a talker, so if i didn't blog then it'd never get said. So, for all our sakes, isn't it better that it's out there somewhere, giving me an emotional release and whatever?

However, that said, problems arise when people read what i've written. People get offended by what i write - but i don't always understand this. More often than not, they're written about after they've done something that's upset me. Usually, i have mentioned this to them and they've ignored it, so they could've avoided the situation in the first place. Anyway, i'm not sure how YOU can be offended because I'VE been upset... shouldn't i be the one who can get cranky? Then there are the people who think that the things i write are silly - again, i don't really get this. They're MY thoughts -- i can't really control them. So, constantly telling me that i'm being silly is actually quite offensive and i don't appreciate it. I don't wander around telling you that you're ridiculous and that you are being illogical all the time - how do you think that would make you feel? Someone constantly belittling you? Think about it. Anyway, it's always better to talk about things with people if things aren't ok - but sometimes a face-to-face conversation is just too hard and won't end well... so maybe this is my way of avoiding confrontation? Maybe it's a cop out but... at least i'm not bitching about people behind their backs i guess...

I could go on and on about the various reasons that my blog has landed me in strife. But i don't really want to go there. Just thought i'd, once again, attempt to justify myself. I don't really know what i expect. It's entirely possible that i'll just make everything worse... but i am tired of having to be the one who is in the wrong - isn't it possible that this isn't something worth tossing blame about for?

Feeling Old And Tired...

BTW

On top of this, should i be concerned that everyone thinks that i set out to be a bitch? Because apparently this is what people are thinking... and this is really not good. I've always tried to be around for you guys when you need me, even when you're being ridiculous about something i'll listen to you, come up with a million plans to make things better, take you out to cheer you up, spend the day trying to make you smile, even just being aware that everything isn't ok and looking out for you. Whatever. But lately, this kind of thing hasn't always been reciprocated when needed - so i've reached the point where i help other people out and just have to deal with whatever is hurting me on my own, because apparently whatever i think is just me being silly and melodramatic. So, not only am i left to sort out my own problems, but i get the added bonus of being told that what i'm thinking is stupid and, on top of that, i get informed that apparently i just go around trying to be rude and hurtful to people. How nice - my friends think that i set out to be a bitch. And you people wonder why i write about stuff on my blog. It's not as if anyone else gives a flying fuck about what i think, so why should i care what you think of my blog. It's just my thoughts on stuff - so that'd make it silly and melodramatic, right? Anyway, anything i write that you don't like? That'd only be in keeping with my being a bitch, so you shouldn't be expecting much less, hey.