MOVIE CLICHES
ANIMALS
* Deadly reptiles will always attack a woman first, even if she's in the presence of thirty men.
* Dogs always know who's bad, and bark at them.
BINOCULARS & GLASSES
* Computer geeks and "intelligent" persons use them, action heros never have glasses.
* A villain will always commit murder right in front of the window when someone with binoculars is watching.
HEROES
* Stripping to the waist makes the hero invulnerable.
* The hero will always be paired off with a female character. The sidekick never will.
* Heroes can go without food or sleep, with no measurable drop in physical or mental faculties, for at least 72 hours.
* A hero will show no pain even during the most terrific beating, yet he will wince if a women attempts to clean a facial wound.
* The movie hero is (almost) always divorced, but he still has some contact with his ex-wife who tells him that she could not stay married to him because she loves him too much.
HOUSES
* The hero lives in New York City working at some okay, but not particularly high-paying job, and yet he or she has a roomy apartment filled with nice stuff, generally with a good view, and sometimes a nice, romantic rooftop to go to.
* When someone's in bed and hears a sound outside, he'll get up and turn the lights on before looking out of a window, even if this usually guarantees that he'll never be able to see anything going on.
* When an intruder is in the house, the occupant will snuck along a wall with his back pressed to it tightly and his arms out a bit from his body, palms flat agaisnt the wall.
* When there's an intruder somewhere in the house, the thing that jumps at the heroine in the dark turns out to be her cat, even if it comes from places cats wouldn't be, like inside a cupboard! As soon as she relaxes, the killer will show up and strangle her.
* Any apartment in Paris will have a view of the Eiffel Tower.
KIDS/TEENAGERS
* A kid always knows more than an adult.
* A kid can fend for himself even if his parents have gone to Paris, leaving him with no food, electricity, heat, money, etc.
* No child can ever be killed...even if they're electrocuted on a high-voltage electric fence that could kill a dinosaur (Jurassic Park)
* Eight to ten-year-old kids are the best computer hackers on earth and can break into any system.
* Girls who can't find a date to the prom in high school films are usually the girls that, in most high schools, would have almost every teenage boy asking them.
* Stripping to the waist makes the hero invulnerable.
* The hero will always be paired off with a female character. The sidekick never will.
* Heroes can go without food or sleep, with no measurable drop in physical or mental faculties, for at least 72 hours.
* A hero will show no pain even during the most terrific beating, yet he will wince if a women attempts to clean a facial wound.
* The movie hero is (almost) always divorced, but he still has some contact with his ex-wife who tells him that she could not stay married to him because she loves him too much.
HOUSES
* The hero lives in New York City working at some okay, but not particularly high-paying job, and yet he or she has a roomy apartment filled with nice stuff, generally with a good view, and sometimes a nice, romantic rooftop to go to.
* When someone's in bed and hears a sound outside, he'll get up and turn the lights on before looking out of a window, even if this usually guarantees that he'll never be able to see anything going on.
* When an intruder is in the house, the occupant will snuck along a wall with his back pressed to it tightly and his arms out a bit from his body, palms flat agaisnt the wall.
* When there's an intruder somewhere in the house, the thing that jumps at the heroine in the dark turns out to be her cat, even if it comes from places cats wouldn't be, like inside a cupboard! As soon as she relaxes, the killer will show up and strangle her.
* Any apartment in Paris will have a view of the Eiffel Tower.
KIDS/TEENAGERS
* A kid always knows more than an adult.
* A kid can fend for himself even if his parents have gone to Paris, leaving him with no food, electricity, heat, money, etc.
* No child can ever be killed...even if they're electrocuted on a high-voltage electric fence that could kill a dinosaur (Jurassic Park)
* Eight to ten-year-old kids are the best computer hackers on earth and can break into any system.
* Girls who can't find a date to the prom in high school films are usually the girls that, in most high schools, would have almost every teenage boy asking them.
* The walls of a teenager's bedroom or a twentyish adult's apartment are always highly decorated, beyond anything sane, with every available inch of space covered with something cool.
MEN
* When men drink whiskey, it is always in a shot glass, and they always drink it in one gulp. If they are wimps, they will gasp for air, then have a coughing fit. If they are macho, they will wince briefly, flashing clenched teeth.
* Men on rafts, jungles, deserts or other extended duty don't have to carry razors because their beards don't grow. Counterpoint: Unless they drink, in which case 3-day stubble appears in 3 hrs.
MONSTERS
* After fleeing a monster, you will want to call for help from a public phone within ten feet of where you last saw the monster.
POLICE
* More murders always happen during the investigation of the first one. The last living suspect is the murderer.
* Most homicide detectives are brooding, near-crazed loners, most likely divorced or widowed, borderline alcoholics. Of course, there are more respectable-looking detectives, but they are inept and not nearly as tough as their mentally-troubled colleagues.
VILLAINS
* The bad guy is the foreigner.
* Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning.
* Whenever a villian has captured the hero, he will pause for 5 minutes to tell the hero _every_ detail of his plan to destroy and/or rule the earth, including times, dates, and addresses.
* The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few meglomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent's downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt.
* When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. * The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn't, a friend will finish the villain off.
WOMEN
* High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch heels to work
* Beautiful women will always fawn over an action hero, no matter what sexist remarks he makes to them.
* Women wear make-up to bed, and wake up with hair and face completely intact.
* Women don't need to go to the bathroom when they get up but will shower frequently.
* If a woman is pregnant, she will deliver before the movie ends.
MEN
* When men drink whiskey, it is always in a shot glass, and they always drink it in one gulp. If they are wimps, they will gasp for air, then have a coughing fit. If they are macho, they will wince briefly, flashing clenched teeth.
* Men on rafts, jungles, deserts or other extended duty don't have to carry razors because their beards don't grow. Counterpoint: Unless they drink, in which case 3-day stubble appears in 3 hrs.
MONSTERS
* After fleeing a monster, you will want to call for help from a public phone within ten feet of where you last saw the monster.
POLICE
* More murders always happen during the investigation of the first one. The last living suspect is the murderer.
* Most homicide detectives are brooding, near-crazed loners, most likely divorced or widowed, borderline alcoholics. Of course, there are more respectable-looking detectives, but they are inept and not nearly as tough as their mentally-troubled colleagues.
VILLAINS
* The bad guy is the foreigner.
* Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning.
* Whenever a villian has captured the hero, he will pause for 5 minutes to tell the hero _every_ detail of his plan to destroy and/or rule the earth, including times, dates, and addresses.
* The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few meglomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent's downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt.
* When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. * The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn't, a friend will finish the villain off.
WOMEN
* High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch heels to work
* Beautiful women will always fawn over an action hero, no matter what sexist remarks he makes to them.
* Women wear make-up to bed, and wake up with hair and face completely intact.
* Women don't need to go to the bathroom when they get up but will shower frequently.
* If a woman is pregnant, she will deliver before the movie ends.
1 comment:
animals> the "reptile" thing is true unless a villain comes in between or the reptiles are on a plane, in which case, everyone is fair game (especially the pilots) (shameless plug to the most nonsensical yet weirdly entertaining film: "snakes on a plane " )
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